A Little Humor for Horrible Times

How about a little humor to take our minds off the catastrophes for a while?

Good Sport

(From the American Legion Magazine for December 2016)(

A man met a friend at a football game as the first quarter was winding down.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between coming to church or the game," the man replied.
"How long could that have taken you?"
"I had to toss it 14 times."

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Duh!

(From the Reader's Digest for February 2015)


Label on a Batman costume:

"Caution:  Cape does not enable user to fly."

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Famous Politician

(From Paula Poundstone's Podcast)

Dick Cavette was famous for anagramming, and had these two results for:

Former Vice President  SPIRO AGNEW

GROW A SPINE
GROW A PENIS

Both of which are probably appropriate for Mr. Agnew.

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Eggspensive

(per Eddie Brewster)

At the grocery store, I couldn't understand why free-range eggs were more expensive than ordinary eggs.

"Well, sir, think of it as being like your cell phone," explained the clerk.  "They get you with roaming charges."

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Get Shorty!

(reported by The Week magazine in May 2014)

"The Great Men Wax Museum of China admitted it had agreed to North Korea's request to add six inches to its wax figure of Great Leader Kim Il Sung, who was actually 5-foot-2."


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Some New Apps

(From Lenore Skenazy in Funny Times for July 2016)

InstaCram:  Summarizes reading assignments in a couple of lines.
    For Example:  "Guy mad that whale ate leg.  Also, there's symbolism."

Elfie:  "Allows user to take photos of self with imaginary friend, who does not show up in photo."

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Tweet, Tweet.

(From The Week for June 2014)

The FBI published an 83 page used to decipher Twitter slang.  As well as the common shorthand like LOL, it also listed some less common ones, like TPK (total party kill) and (my favorite) IITYWTMWYBMAD (if I tell you what this means, will you buy me a drink?)

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Titles

(From Connie Strohecker, AARP)

Wife to husband: "Could you fix the leaking faucet?"
Husband to wife: "No. Do you see 'plumber' written on my forehead?"

Wife:  "Well, could you please mow the lawn today?"
Husband: "No. Doe you see the word 'landscaper' written on my forehead?"

Wife: "Well, how about at least fixing the broken step on the stairs?"
Husband:  "Do you see the word 'carpenter' written on my forehead? I'm going out for a beer."

Four hours later the husband comes home and notices the chores have been done. He asked how.

Wife: "Well, a nice  young handsome man knocked at the door while you were gone and offered to fix that faucet, mow the lawn and fix the broken step.

After he was done, I asked him how I could pay him for the jobs.  He told me: 'You could bake me a cake or sleep with me.'"

Husband: "What kind of cake did you bake for him?"

Wife:  "Do you see 'baker' written on my forehead?"

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