MOMS Presentation; A Fib: Wedding Clothes; The Human Brain; Mae West; Height; Jokes

I just came across a note I prepared in 1998:

"Begin to gather material for .. 'educating your baby' ..  for the 'MOMS' Group... prepare a precis first ... relate some of 'thinking' module and Mozart..."

Yes, I gave such a presentation in 1998.  I talked about the "Mozart effect" and other baby-training programs which were then popular.  I had the audience on the edges of their seats until I mentioned a situation that I had experienced when my daughter, Elizabeth, was 7 years old.

Elizabeth was a "delight".. smart and bright and a joy of a child.  However, she was a bit hyperactive.  Our chubby old pediatrician suggested giving her medication to calm her down.  Her mother and I refused.  We loved her the way she was and didn't want her to become a zombie.

One day, I received a letter from her 2nd grade teacher complaining that she could not control Elizabeth in the classroom.  She hinted that my daughter might be mentally retarded.

I immediately hurried to the school and confronted the teacher.  After listening to her for a while, I decided that she just did not know how to handle a hyper-active child and I told her a "fib" to see if that would change her attitude to my child.

I said that we had had Elizabeth tested by Johns Hopkins and they found that she had an IQ that was astronomical.  This was a kid who qualified for Mensa while only 7 years old.

The teacher was impressed when she heard my "little white lie" and completely changed how she handled my daughter.  Suddenly, Elizabeth was one of her best students, who flourished under the new attention given her by the teacher.

As I told this to these young "MOMS" group members, their faces got a bit grim and the rest of my presentation was disastrous. 

What I had not realized was they most of the members of this group were either current or former school teachers and they did not like parents lying to them!


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On the back of this old note was scribbled this joke:

At a wedding, a kid asked her mother why the bride wore white.  The mother explained that it is a symbol of happiness, as this is the happiest day in her life.

The kid thought about this for a while and then said, "Then, why is the groom wearing black?"


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The Human Brain

In 2002, Japan built the world's fastest computer.  It's speed was 40 trillion floating-point operations per second.

As great as that is, think about the human brain that is capable of electro-chemical configurations at the rate of 10 to the trillionth power!
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Height

I'm reading about Mae West and I've found out that she was very short and used high heels and some form of "lifters" to get her high enough to entice her male movie mates.  In fact, this combination of height-increasing aids raised her a total of 9 inches.  Yes, I said 9 inches.

Apparently, these aids affected how she walked... in a kind of shuffle.. which became "her sexy walk." 

As I've mentioned a million times before, I have lost around 4 inches in height since I was a teen-ager, and I wasn't that tall to begin with.  I am just having a hard time getting used to being a "little old man."

Here is a "gem" from my friend, Alan Kaufman.  Alan was 5'4" as he stood in line at a movie theater in Ocean City.  In front of him was a guy who was almost 7' tall.  Alan tugged on the man's pant leg and asked him, "Do you play basketball?"

The tall man looked down and replied, "No, do you play miniature golf?"



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Notes on Crime and Technology

These entries are either from The Week Magazine, Harper's, or In These Times.

CRIME

Prison Inmates

Per 1,000 persons:

In China: 1.2
In Russia: 4.8
In Louisiana:  13.4

Why is this?

Is it because America is much freer than other countries and therefore it is easier for its inhabitants to try to take advantage of their neighbors?

Louisiana is a Southern state;  therefore, is this a racial bias statistic? I believe that Afro-Americans make up the bulk of the prison population, especially in the South.

Is this because America is basically a Calvinistic country, where punishment for every real or perceived crime must be reacted to?

Is this because of our out-dated marijuana laws; where small amounts of pot have consistently gotten long jail sentences by otherwise law-abiding citizens?

The Netherlands has stopped jailing nonviolent offenders and have halved their prison population in 10 years.  Some alternate "punishment" in the Netherlands:  Fines, Electronic Bracelets, Community Work.  I'm sure some jurisdictions in the U.S. are applying these methods.  It would be interesting to see if it is having the intended results.

Stupid Criminal

A suspected drug smuggler in Britain swallowed a bunch of drug packets before his arrest and has refused to move his bowels for almost a month.  Police can be patient in this case.

This reminds me of an old joke headline:

THIEVES STOLE ALL OF THE TOILETS IN THE POLICE STATION.  FRUSTRATED, POLICE OFFICIALS SAY THEY HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON.

I just purchased a new DVD player and am watching the first season of Fargo, a great satire of criminal and police activity, although supposed to be a true story.  Gruesome to watch just before bedtime.

TECHNOLOGY

DNA

A new company supposedly will pay you with its own cryptocurrency for your DNA.  They will then sell this information to researchers and drug companies.  Is this somehow related to the 23andme company that gets your DNA and also asks you to do a health survey?

Mind Reader

MIT does it again.  They have developed a wearable device that interprets non-verbal prompts, which they say is like "reading your mind."   The so-called Alter-Ego attaches to your head and its electrodes detect internal muscular signals in your jaw and face.

I'm sure that this will be the new thing for the 2020's.  This and Alexa will make you feel as though you are Thomas Jefferson, controlling lots of slaves while reclining in your hammock.

Space Reader

And, I'm sure you have already suspected would happen if you own an Alexa-type item:  German scientists have figured out a way to receive a 3-D picture of the room Alexa is in, based on WiFi signals taken in by the equipment!  Sehr klug, nicht wahr?

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Notes on Religion, Guns and Longevity

While trump is making a fool of himself again in the eyes of our allies, our enemies... except for his "followers"...  I thought that I might escape the news and post a few notes on subjects that I am interested in.

Longevity

From: Senior Center Comedy:  

A reporters interviewing a 104 year old woman asked:  "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"  She simply replied:  "No peer pressure!"

She also said that she had decided to prepare her will and told the reporter that she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes to be scattered over WalMart.  "Why WalMart?" asked the reporter.  "Because then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."

From:  The Week Magazine:

A new company called Nectome is developing a "high tech" embalming process that will preserve your brain contents.  In the future, scientists will use it to prepare a computer simulation of you... though not exactly you...  The only drawback is that you have to be euthanized first!

From:  Yahoo "My Life Profile" (2014)

I was notified that someone had viewed a profile of my life.  Curious, I asked for more detail.  I was told that the viewer was a 113 year old male who lived near me in Westminster, Maryland.

Guns

From The Week Magazine:

A 5 year old boy shot and killed his 2 year old sister with a birthday present gift that he had just received.  It was a single shot "Cricket" sold under the marketing slogan "My First Rifle."

Keystone Sporting Arms continues to see "Crickets" that come in appealing colors for kids, like "hot pink" and "multicolor swirl."

Also From The Week Magazine:

American Legacy Firearms unveiled the "Dallas Heritage Rifle"  to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Lee Harvey Oswald's assassination of President John F. Kennedy.  The company boss said: "If I hurt someone's feelings, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna worry about it."


Religion

Once again from The Week Magazine:

There is a German firm called Atheist which ships parcels to the United States.  However, half of their parcels do not show up and the company thinks that religious U.S. Postal workers are disrupting the deliveries because the name of the company is stamped on the packages.   Could be.

Finally, from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me (I think):

There is a new nightclub act called:   The Topless Rabbis.

That's right, they are not wearing their yamakas!

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Stand Up Comedian

Over my 20 or so years with the Toastmasters organization I did a lot of "stand up" comedy.  I also heard many comedy bits done by other members.  I was also able to be the comedy EMCEE of note at several Carroll County senior functions during the 1990's.   During this time, I neither used nor heard used cruel statements about other people.  I also never heard nor used "off-color" material.

I do not believe that you need to use gross or cruel material in a comedy routine to be funny.  In fact, to show you how prudish I am, I refused to got to "comedy night" with some of my family because I did not want to hear "off-color" talk in their company.  My late wife and I taught our children to act and talk respectfully at home and when with other people.

Be that as it may... I do like funny material... even if it is a little risque and clever.  But, please do not invade my space with F words or S words.  Not in my house!

So.. why am I saying all this?  Because of the shtick done by a comedian at this year's White House Correspondents' Dinner.  A very funny routine in many ways... but gross in its language and innuendo in others.  And.. cruel in others.

Let me be clear... anything said about trump has been earned by his words and actions.  He is gross.  And he is very cruel... just one example: how he made fun of a disabled person during his campaign.

And Kellyanne Conway ..  everything she says deserves arrows of derision.  I wonder if she has ever listened to what she has said.  However, jokes about her looks seem to me to be too cruel.

And Sarah Huckabee Sanders (sp?) ..  this poor lady has been taken in by the president and I think she actually believes what he tells her.  She will probably have her own radio show someday and I think she will do fine after she divorces herself from the clown in the White House.    I'm sure she expected to have arrows thrown at her during the dinner.  However... as with Kelly Ann, I think jokes about her  looks are too cruel.

Remember:  This year would be the 100th birthday of a great comedian, Jack Paar.  He and other greats, such as Jack Benny and Bob Hope, did not have to rely on smut to be good. (At least, not in public.)

Bottom Line:  I think the Correspondents' Dinner comedian's jokes were very funny... but some of them were too cruel.. and her potty mouth and sexual innuendo just made her sound like an eleven year old boy trying out bad words for their shock value.

For heaven's sake:  Screen the scripts of future comedians!