Stuff

Birth anxiety.

The Week Magazine reported that an Indian man announced he was suing his parents for bringing him into this world without his consent.

The Mumbai man said that his parents selfishly "had me for their joy and their pleasure" and that "he didn't ask to exist."

English

Jorge Luis Borges liked English.  He wrote this once:

"And English has another virtue.  The virtue of Anglo-Saxon words: they're short.

If you say selini in Greek, that's far too long - three syllables. In Spanish, luna, 2 syllables.  In French, just one syllable, really, lune. But in English that beautiful, lingering word 'moon'.  It's the right word, no? Moon and sun, those two were the right words."

Selection

A few years ago, I found a group picture that included my late wife.  I did a preliminary scan of the picture and the only part that was outlined was her smiling face.  I had done nothing to make that happen.

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 Almost Missed

I haven't missed a blog day in a long time, but today I cut it close.  I've been troubled for a few days with a UTI.  As I have mentioned before, I thought UTI's were strictly a female problem.  Not so.

After a night of no sleep and a lot of pain, I got my sorry butt out of bed and let my son take me to my doctor's office.

Since all of my "vitals" were within range for an old dude, he prescribed a special medication that I will have to take for 14 days.  No problem.   I'm waiting for my first pill to take effect.

This was my second UTI bout.  The other was 6 months ago.  I hope this medication massacres all those nasty germs this time.

Do you notice how old folks like to talk about their ailments?  Of course you do. Just wait until you get to be my age and find the subject entertaining .. at least to other old folks.

I also had a computer problem.  nothing worked.  I figured that I had been hijacked by those nasty Russian tech guys.  But no, after a while it dawned on me that the batteries in my mouse were about to die.  Luckily, I found a couple of living batteries that got me going again.

BORING!  I know, but I can't help myself.

My "Fantastic" Company

I've written ad nauseum about one of the groups I formed for programmers at the Social Security Administration.  It was called Niemand Associates (I still have a few pens with our logo).

A few days ago, I got a business letter from the CEO of a firm that looks for work opportunities. (A lot like "ambulance chasers.")

The letter said that his company was interested in all of the "fantastic" help that we have provided to "the community" over these many years.

The CEO ask to meet with me at the earliest opportunity.

I guess he read my LinkedIN writeup.  I wrote it when I was in my 70's and thought that I would like to get a job to fill in my retirement years.

Shortly after I wrote it, I decided that a new job at my age was inappropriate.  (Although I didn't really think I was old at 70, but now I consider anyone in their 70's to be a "young whippersnapper.)

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 Do you have problems with English grammar!

As I solved a New York Times Anacrostic, its quotation stirred my curiosity.  The words came from a highly acclaimed book called "Woe Is I," by Patricia O'Conner.

I obtained a sample for my Kindle and had an "eye-opening" experience right from the first chapter.  It solved some problems that I have always had with English grammar.

Problem:  "its" or "it's"?

Solution:  1.  "Its" is the possessive 

                 2.  If you can substitute "it is," use "it's".

Now, isn't that easy?

Problem:  "whose" or "who's"?

Solution:  1.  "whose" is the possessive.

                 2.  If you can substitute "who is," use                            "who's."

Easy again?

Grammatical examples to remember:

"Who is doing what to whom?"

"Who with" is better than "with whom."  

All that and I haven't even finished Chapter One.

Saving the right stuff.

Archive activity is in the news these days.  Boston University has The Howard Gottlieb Archival Research Center, which holds material from over 2,000 individuals and organizations, some dating back to the Renaissance.

Among this material are some very interesting things.

Nixon's Resignation Letter

Vulcan Ears from Spock

Martin Luther King's Briefcase

The archives collections span nine miles of shelves and is one of the few archives that actively collects from people who are still alive.

Some other items in the archive:

Fred Astaire's Tap Shoes

Robin Williams' Stand-up Notes

A Page from the Gutenberg Bible.

I'll bet my fellow BU alumni didn't know this archive existed.

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 A Little Frustration

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I needed to move some money (a pittance) from one account to another, but first I had to access the old account.

However, I didn't know how to access the old account, so I needed to set up new codes.  This is how that went:

"Key in your userid."  (I couldn't remember if I even had a userid for this account.  

"We will send you a code that you can use to establish a new userid. They asked for my email address and sent me a 7-digit code number.

I plugged in the new number and waited for instructions.

"Create a new userid.  It must contain upper case letters, lower case letters, some special characters and numbers.  It must be 12 characters long."

I did so, and hit "submit."

"Now create a password containing upper case letters, lower case letters, some special characters and numbers.  It must be 8 characters long."

I did so and then hit "submit."

"Now you need to develop a secondary safety code.  We will send you instructions as email."

The email contained another one of those 7-digit code numbers.

I went back to the account's website, keyed in the code and waited for instructions.

"Create your secondary safety ID.  It must contain upper case letters, lower case letters, special characters and numbers, and be 8 characters long."

I complied and hit submit.

"Congratulations, you have now established a protected account and will be able to log in."

I went to the "LOGIN" location.

"Enter your userid."  I did.

"Enter your password."  I did.

"Enter your secondary safety ID."  I did.

"Your password is already being used.  Please submit another using upper case letters, lower case letters, special characters and number.  It should be 8 characters long.  We will send a 7-digit access number to your email address."

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                                                               

 Here we go again.

Tomato Flu has hit India.  I wonder how that is transmitted.  

 Our large tomatoes have just started to ripen. But, we've been getting cherry tomatoes for some time now.  Every day I pick 7 or 8 to go with Elaine's lunch.

There is nothing more tasty, in my opinion, than a red juicy tomato sprinkled with salt. Store-bought tomatoes taste to me like soggy cardboard.

Recipe?

This morning I felt creative and got out my food processor, into which I put 2 hard Italian rolls, 2 cookies, a lot of red onion, a bunch of zucchini and salt and pepper.  I ground it all up and the resulting mush is rather tasty, but I'd like to know what I can do with it.

Mix it with hamburger?  Bake it into a pie?  Throw it out?

A Brief Encounter

A very elderly gentleman, quite well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.  The gentleman walks over, sits next to her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Someone sent me these deep thoughts:

01.  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

02.  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

03.  How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

04.  Every teen-ager should get a High School education, even if they already know everything.

05.  If you are playing poker, look around the table.  If you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you!

Here are a few items that I presented at one of my emcee jobs:

01.  My arthritis has been bothering me lately.  But I'm getting careless, I mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H.  Now my shoulder is shrinking.

02.  I got attacked by a guy with a razor.  Luckily he didn't have it plugged in.

03.  Questions about cows:

Q:  Why do cows wear bells?

A:   Because their horns don't work.

Q:   What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

A:   Decaffeinated

Q:   Why do cows wear high heels?

A:   So they can have good calves.

o4.  Stolen from the National Speakers group:

"I studied hard to become an emcee. I got my bachelor of Oratory from Pittsburgh University  .. or to put it another way .. I got my BO from PU."

05.   I broke my teeth last week in the mall and a guy walking by said "Hey, I've got a set here you can use."

I tried it, but it was too tight. He had another set .. too loose.

He had one more set and it was just right.  

I told him, "I sure was lucky that you, a dentist, were nearby."

He said, " I'm not a dentist, I'm a funeral director."

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Q:   

HUH?

Traffic Stop

In Kingman, Arizona a woman was charged with a traffic violation because the horse she was riding did not have a tail-light.

The horse and driver were struck from behind by a cab driver who said he did not see the horse.

The rider sustained minor injuries, but the poor horse died at the scene.

Wave as you go by by

A Connecticut funeral director has opened a "drive-through" viewing window so that time-starved friends can view their deceased friends through their car window and pay their respects.

I also saw such a service in Spartanburg, South Carolina a few years ago.

Question:

What ever happened to Hope Hicks?

Suppose he was killed!

Mensa reports:

"On September 16, 1920, a massive blast shook Wall Street in New York.  At 12:01 p.m., a horse-drawn wagon with 100 pounds of dynamite and 500 pounds of lead weights exploded, killing 38 people and injuring 143 others.

The blast was so intense it derailed a streetcar a block away and sent shrapnel to the 34th floor of the Equitable Building.

A hair's breath away from death was a stockbroker  who was lifted off his feet by the blast. His name was Joseph P. Kennedy, father to the then 3-year-old John F. Kennedy."

"Boob and Lube"

A Des Moines businessman was losing money at his garage, so he hit upon an idea: Hire topless mechanics.  But no topless mechanics applied, so he changed his request and asked for women who didn't mind vacuuming and cleaning the inside of cars.

Some ladies signed up and business is now booming.  However,  The National Organization for Women says this is sexploitation and they are trying to get it stopped.

More on Marriage

My wife says the only reason she keeps me around is to open jars.

I told her if that's the only reason, I'm leaving!

She said, "Would you open all the jars before you go?"

Clean those canines!

Sharon Delaney-Chronis writes:

My 3-year-old daughter came out of the bathroom smiling.  "I brushed my teeth! She announced.  "And then I brushed Spot's teeth."

Horrified, I explained why she shouldn't use her brush to clean the dog's teeth.

The next day she asked: "Mommy, why did I need a new toothbrush?"

"Remember, you used your toothbrush to clean Spot's teeth, so we got you a new one."

"But, mommy, I didn't use my toothbrush to wash Spot's teeth, I used yours!"

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Happy! Happy!

House Fresh conducted a study to find out which American city had the most happy citizens.

The winner was Concord, California, just south of San Francisco.  The next four cities in order were Provo, Utah, Knoxville, Tennessee, Charleston, South Carolina and Mesa, Arizona.

Concord was also cited as the "smilingest" city in the U.S.

Distant Relative?

Harper's Weekly Review reported: "Scientists announced that an ancient creature resembling a wrinkly, baggy sac with no anus was not an ancestor of human beings."

I sure am glad of that!

Shine on, harvest moons!

NASA scientists have determined that the jumbo planet Jupiter has at least 50 moons.  The four largest are named Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto.  These moons were first observed by Galileo in 1610.

The James Webb telescope just provided a good viewing of two tiny moons, Amalthea and Adrastea.

A couple of years ago, Elaine and I went on a trip to NASA and were able to watch them work on the super telescope.

It sometimes scares me to read about the telescope getting data "close to the beginning of our universe."  What's next?  Will we soon be able to see the beginning of creation?  Suppose we find out that we just live on an atom that is included on a lace for a giant's boot?   Or?

Marriage (an American Legion Joke)

A husband and wife were reading a magazine and newspaper when she burst out laughing.  

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmm," her husband replied, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, the wife asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Never," he said.

"That's sweet, tell me why not."

"The season is more than half over."

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01.  Mind Benders

Wild theories outlined in a recent issue of Business Daily and slightly amended by me.

a.  The Illuminati Cave

Mount Rushmore sculptor, Gutzon de la Mothe Borglum carved out a large area in back of Lincoln's head.  Mr. Borglum wanted to use it as a depository for important American documents, a "Hall of Records."  The plan was not followed properly and only a few documents are stored there.

When some looney folks heard about it, they decided that it was a secret hiding place for the Illuminati.

b.  Little Noise on the Prairie

For years, people in Minnesota have been hearing faint humming seemingly coming from the sky.  Sound recordings have confirmed the humming, but nobody has been able to find the source.

However, some "armchair scientists" declare that the noise is definitely coming from aliens trying to communicate with us.

 

c.  Getting Even

The Denver International Airport is twice the size of Manhattan!  Some "armchair reporters" say that it is that big because it houses an army of "neo-naziis" who are getting ready to avenge Germany's defeat in WW2.

They also tell us that high-flying aircraft can see swastikas on top of the terminal.

d.  Bare Spots

"Armchair investigators" have told the world about two 15 foot circular areas in a Mississippi forest. Nothing grows in these spots.

 There have been several UFO sightings in this part of the State and some folks think that these two areas were spots where alien craft stopped to adjust their power supply.

02.  Calendars

Wait a minute! Isn't this August?  Why am I getting 2023 calendars now? So far, I have received calendars from:

American Heart Foundation

Audubon Society (2)

Best Friends

Doctors Without Borders

Earth Justice

NARFE

National Park Foundation

National Wildlife Federation (2)

Nature Conservancy 

Peta

U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Foundation

Wilderness Society

World Wildlife Fund

That's 15 free calendars.  Especially free because my budget is tight and I can't donate to any of them this year. 

So - what do I do with all these beautiful calendars?

03.  Add a Word

Jimmy Fallon recently asked his audience to help him with a fun game.  He asked that one take a well-known and respected brand, add a word to the title and come up with what might qualify as a not-so-nice product.  Some entries that I liked:

Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey POX.

Gorilla Tape WORMS.

You Tubes TIED.

Peppermint COW Patties.

Fleetwood Mac AND CHEESE

My favorite:

7up YOURS

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 Several Thoughts.

01.  Some religious leaders should think more about this

The International Campaign for Tibet, in their solicitation for funds, listed their "Three Main Commitments:"

1.  To promote human values such as compassion, forgiveness, tolerance, contentment and self-discipline.

2.  To promote religious harmony and understanding among the world's major religious traditions.

3.  To work to preserve Tibet's Buddhist culture, a culture of peace and non-violence.

The XIV Dalai Lama

I read lately that a minister was really mad at his flock for their small Sunday donations.  He was secretly hoping that he could use church money without letting the donors know that their donations would keep his Mercedes running properly. He finally openly cursed the church members for being stingy.

That reminds me: I've always been a fan of Reverend Ike, who passed in 2009.  Ike (Frederic Eikerenkoetter II) had a tv show in which he asked for donations to keep him in the "goodies" of life.  Why am I a fan?

Because he wasn't a hypocrite.  He wanted your money and he smilingly asked for it, (to keep his 16 church-owned Rolls Royces running and his six homes functioning,) while discussing parables from the Bible.

He had some pet phrases like:

"I got what it takes

To take what you got."

"You can't lose with the stuff I use!"

I loved his show, although I never sent him any money.

02.  "Mais, ou sont les crabes neiges d'antan?"

What is going on? Alaskan Snow Crabs have disappeared!  Some folks have speculated:

a.  They moved to Russia.

b.  Predators ate them.

c.  They ate each other.

d.  The fishermen didn't see them.

e.  Climate change.

f.  Alien abduction. (my pick)

If you could find a restaurant that has a store of these crabs, it would probably cost you $200. or more to enjoy them.

Lets all pray that the aliens do not like Old Bay seasoning and therefore will not grab our wonderful Chesapeake Bay crustaceans.

03.  Oddball Restaurant Signs

Somebody sent me an EMAIL that listed a long number of restaurant signs that amuse.  The list was included within one of the 91 emails I received today and I don't know who the author is.  I copied some of the sign wordage and then lost the source. 

 

a.  Someone altered a Texas KFC sign so that "unbeatable feast" became "uneatable feast."

b.  "Open 8 days a week with Sunday off."

c.  McDonald's: "$1.00, any size 50ft drink."

d.  "Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant."

e.  Gasoline filling station: "Eat here and get gas."

f.  "Buy one beer for the price of two and get a second beer free."

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 Marvelous Stuff that makes me Smile

Future Goodies

L. Frank Baum would be pleased to know that in the Land of OZ, there will be crudité for all.

The Lone Arranger

One of the ladies that comes to assist us is very nice, but she has an "organization complex."  The last time she came to help me she rearranged almost everything in the kitchen, including medication.

When she left, everything looked nice and neat, but I had no idea where anything was now located.

Today she was here to help Elaine and I saw her glancing hungrily at my current kitchen mess.  I had to steel myself and tell her to bypass my beloved mess.

...

That reminds me of the famous W.C. Fields routine where W. S. has a massive desk with a pull-down cover.  In the desk are piles and piles of loose papers and files.

His boss comes by and says, "Give me the Smith file."  W.C. reaches into his desk piles and pulls out the requested file, making his boss very happy.

One day, W.C. was ill and had to stay home for a couple of days.  Meanwhile, a new office aide decided to improve the looks of the items in W.C.'s desk and arranged all of the paper and files in neat stacks. 

When W. C. returned to work, he noticed the change and sat down to think about it.

Just then his boss came by and said, "Give me the Jones file."

W.C. then got up, pulled down the desk cover, picked up the desk and twisted and shook it for two minutes.

He then opened the desk cover, reached in, and handed his boss the requested file.

Click, Clack, Moo

WAPO satirist, Alexandra Petri related this famous children's book to the world situation today.  Click, Clack, Moo was written by Doreen Cronin and illustrated by Betsy Irwin, and tells about a farmer's cows who find a typewriter and learn to type.

After they had become good typists, they wrote a letter with demands for better working conditions.

The farmer refused to be intimidated at first, but after intense "give and take," they all agreed and bucolic peace reigned again.

This book is probably banned in Texas because it teaches little kids about "compromise."

A Different Museum

I just learned that there is a Museum of Bad Art based in Somerville, Massachusetts.  It has 700 works of art that critics have panned or ignored.

There are three locations in the Boston area, where these (mostly paintings) can be viewed. 

I've seen pictures of some of these "works" and I must say I liked what I saw.  However, I do think that some of my kids' artwork looks better, especially the animal paintings.

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 News - Mostly Good

Mystery Solved 

For years people have been trying to discover the origin of the expression "Happy as a Clam." American Tome (whoever that is) reports:

"The original expression was 'Happy as a clam at high tide,' which refers to the fact that clam diggers collect their quarry at low tide.  When the high waters hide them from view, clams are blissfully safe."

Yummy Days are Coming

A new Girl Scout cookie is being made ready for sales in 2023.  It is called "" and is very similar to Thin Mints.

This Stirs My Juices!

The Fascist State of Keller, Texas has instituted a rule that all back packs must have plastic see-through covers to ensure that school kids do not smuggle unapproved books into school.

One young child was recently discovered by the K9 Book Police to have a copy of the dystopian novel "The Guide" by Lois Lowry and was expelled.

To Catch a Liar

Alan R. Hirsch, MD, has outlined some signs that you may check to help you tell if someone could be lying:

During interrogation:

They may lean forward and change posture or position often.

They may lick their lips.

They may fold or cross arms.

They may blink less often than usual.

They may fidget.

They may take frequent sips of water.

They may smile more than usual.

They may laugh inappropriately.

They may close their hands into fists.

They may interlock their fingers.

They may frequently touch their face.

They may scratch or rub their nose.

They may look away.

They may sigh deeply.

Doctor Hirsch indicates that these signs may work best with teen-agers.

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 Interesting Developments

Why They Are Single

Jimmy Fallon asked his audiences of single, widowed or divorced people (SWORD?) to tell him why they have not married.

Thousands of people responded.  Here are a couple of the responses:

I once paid for a dating site, and my ex came up as a 100% match.

My girlfriend texted me asking if she had gained weight.

I answered, "Nooo!"  But my autocorrection app changed it to "Mooo!" So I am single again.

Jokes?

The Joke Hall of Fame has collected a lot of jokes for consideration.  I'm surprised that some are just "one-liners" tossed out by television performers in their monologues. I consider a joke to be like a speech, with an opening, body and conclusion. Most "one-liners" do not have that format.

Anyway, here are a couple of "jokes" being looked at:

Emo Phillips

"At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free of charge.

I charged $5 for the second glass because the refill contained the antidote."

George Burns

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope!"

Loneliness

An Egyptian widow missed her husband so much after 4 years that she dug up his grave site.  The only remaining feature of her husband was his skull.

She was carrying the skull out of the graveyard with plans for a family picnic, when a policeman caught her and charged her with grave desecration.

TV Advertisement

I liked this ad by a movie streaming service.

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"What to Watch!"

"The Invisible Man"

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Thoughts I received from Somebody or Other

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I thought about how American mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks.

Do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

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Things to Think About

Sweepstakes

Private Sector

A few years ago, Kraft Foods arranged for a sweepstake contest to promote their new "Ready-to-Roll" product line.

However, through a "computer glitch," they printed 500,000 winning tickets instead of just one.

Over 21,000 people claimed the prize and it cost Kraft millions of dollars to correct the mistake.

But they did get a lot of publicity for their new food line.  (Not Food Lion, you dodo, Joe!)

Government

Also, a few years ago, one of our ex-presidents arranged for a sweepstakes company to put out this EMAIL to millions of people:

"Contribute any amount RIGHT NOW to be automatically entered in a contest.  The winner will be invited to eat lunch in New Orleans with the President!"

I'm sure you have guessed by now:  The prize was never awarded.

Mystery

A team of technicians at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) in New York City has been trying to identify one of the items painted into Henri Matisse' 1911 painting L'Atelia Rouge (The Red Studio.)

It is supposed to be an accurate representation of items stuck to the artist's studio wall.  One of the objects has been a mystery.  Hundreds of people have suggested that the object looks like a security camera (1911?), a condom, a door knob and lots of other things.  To me, it looks like an electrical wall outlet.

Take a look and see what you think.  Looking at the painting, it is the rectangular-shaped object on the far right side.

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Some Jokes

I've told some of them before, so I'll try to vary them a bit.

Old old old Joke

Last week I went to the theater.  Getting to my seat, I was blocked by a man laying in the aisle.

I said, "Sir, I am trying to get to my seat, please move."

He didn't answer so I called for the usher. The usher said, "Sir, please move or I will be forced to call the police."

No answer.  A policeman showed up, looked down ot the man, got out a pencil and a notebook, licked his lips and said, " OK, wise guy, where are you from?"

A little voice replied, "The Balcony."

Repartee

I told my doctor, "Every time I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."

My doctor said, "Take the damn spoon out of the cup!"  

I also told him that I may have Shingles, so he made me get down off the roof.

Years ago, if men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called "witchcraft."

Now, it's called "golf."

When I was a boy scout, I tripped and sprained my ankle.  A little old lady had to help me cross the street.

A Toastmasters friend told a wonderful joke that utilized the French word "incroyable," its unbelievable to me that I can't remember the joke.  If anyone knows it, would you mind refreshing it in my mind?

I went to the eye doctor's yesterday and it reminded me of this little poem.

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty.

The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks nice and so does my lawn,

I think I'll never put my new glasses on.

Dad Jokes

Q: What do you call an anaesthetized rabbit?

A:  An ether bunny.

Q: What do you get when there are 30 rabbits in a row, marching backwards?

A:  A receding hareline.

Marriage

A couple who were married for 65 years was asked how long they wanted to live.

The wife said 100.

The husband said 101.

Husband, why do you want to live a year longer than your wife

Well, in that case I would get at least one year of peace and quiet! 

(Now ... don't yell at me for belittling women.  I once had a great standup comedy routine with marriage jokes that my wife selected for me to tell.

An audience applauded long and seemed happy about the jokes, except for two ladies who felt that my jokes were disrespecting women.  They weren't meant to. But the ladies' comments bothered me so much that I dropped my dream of becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was probably a lousy joke-teller anyway.)

Retirement

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench at Carroll Lutheran Village, when one turned to the other and said, "Bill, I'm 88 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you are my age, how do you feel?"

Bill said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really?  Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep! No hair, no teeth, and i think I just wet my pants!"

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 From an old box:

Long Word

Twitter doubled its character limit to 280, pleasing German bureaucrats, concerned about the following name of a beef labeling law:

"Rindfleischetikettierungsuebererwachungsaufgabenuertragunggesetz."

Different Smoke

Pope Francis ordered all tobacco products be banned at Vatican shops except for cigars.  Can you visualize all those fat priests enjoying a smoke as they drink their expensive (non-sacrificial)  wine?                                                          

Let it all hang out

The Stovetop turkey stuffing company is selling an expandable waist band for those who could not control themselves during the upcoming Thanksgiving season. What a great idea!

Howdy do, Judge.

To show his respect for the law, a Colorado man doffed his 10-gallon Stetson. In so doing, a packet of cocaine dropped out of the hat.

An Interesting Play?

Thomas Jefferson, Charles Dickens and Count Leo Trotsky all wrote their own versions of the Bible.

Scott Carter, executive producer for "Real Time with Bill Maher" has placed these guys in "limbo" with each other.  Is the play a comedy?  The audience didn't think so, but in my opinion, at least it made the audience think.   

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 Adventure

As I've mentioned before, I lost years of my life while I was in the Hospital, Continuing Care, and Home Hospice, so for me to get up and go anyway is an adventure.

Last week I was able to go to the Senior Citizens Hall of Fame luncheon here at Carroll Lutheran Village.  It was great to see that some old friends were still alive.

Today I ventured out again.  I had an eye examination.  Traveling on the Village's medical shuttle I could look out the windows and see how much this city called Westminster, Maryland had changed in just a few years.

Ah! Progress!

New Fast Food Joints everywhere.  Are we all becoming Fast Food Junkies? 

But I see that some of the "old" joints are still around. Let me critique those "restaurants" I frequented before I broke my face.  I'm sure that most of these "chains" are in your city too.

Starbucks - absolutely the worse cup of coffee I ever had.

Roy Rogers - (not many outlets left) - delicious cheeseburger with all the sliced tomato and onions that one could eat.

Burger King - good and cheap 'burger' and besides they give you a crown and recognize your nobility.

McDonald's - Pretty good burgers and fish filet sandwiches.  The Russians loved their McDonald's until their more beloved Vlad the Impaler invaded the Ukraine. Moscow life will never be the same!

Olive Garden - if I had the Italian relatives I once thought I had, they would be pleased with this restaurant.  

There are choices to be made.

1. Never-ending Italian Soup .. Fill up and have no room left for spaghetti.

2. Never-ending Salad Bowl .. Fill up and have no room left for spaghetti.

4.  Never-ending spaghetti .. Remember to roll the noodles with your fork. Forget about the soup and salad.. but remember the wine.

5.  Never-ending red Italian wine (Chiante?)  .. Drink up and forget the spaghetti completely, loudly bellowing "Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Me ..." in an Italian basso.

That reminds me of what a country singer once said.  He had a strange-looking little dog.  His neighbor asked him, "What's wrong with your dog?"

"Well, he's been in lots of accidents that left him with a blind eye, a deaf ear, only three legs, and half a tail."

"Wow!  What do you call him?"

"Lucky!"

If you want to eat "real" food, forget fast food and try the delicious food for sale at the many carnivals and fairs around the country right now.

If you live in New England, you should visit New Bedford, Massachusetts Feast of the Blessed Sacrament.  Portuguese food that is "out of this world," while being washed down by copious amounts of  Portuguese Red Wine.  People come from far-away places like California each year to enjoy the food and music.   (You don't have to be Catholic to participate.)

If you live in Maryland it's crabs, crabs, crabs, and crabs!

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 More!

Wordle

Today I thought that I was going to bomb out again.  There could not possibly be a word that utilized a certain four letters.  But I was wrong!  There was one word that did, and it popped right out of my subconscious.

What are the Odds?

Cartoonist Chris Monroe says this is true.

Brad went fishing on the bay with the fishing pole that his family had given him on his recent birthday.

On his first cast, the pole flew out of his hand and landed in the murky water.

To soothe his sobbing son, his dad let him use a spare pole to continue fishing.

Suddenly the boy got a big "bite" and when he reeled in, there was his birthday pole snagged on the end of his line!

Left Wing Cartoon Characters?

Senator Ted Cruz must have access to information that the other Senators do not.  He has found "dirt" on the following fictional icons: Mr. Potato Head, Mickey Mouse, Pluto, Big Bird, Elmo and the Muppets. I wonder what he found out.  It must be very important.

A Tip from Dublin?

A while ago, I read where ants have an aversion to the ingredients in Irish Spring soap.  At the time, I was having problems with ants attacking my computer desk, so I decided to use that information.

I placed an open bar of that soap on top of my desk, and I haven't seen an ant there since.

Every year, I have had ants roaming around my bathroom sink.  I had a morning ritual - getting rid of families of ants that expected to continue their overnight sink fun.

I placed half a bar of Irish Spring soap on my bathroom sink and I haven't encountered any ants so far this season.

I also like the soap smell!

New Planets around a New Sun?

Etienne Klein, a noted physicist tweeted about a new discovery made by the Webb Telescope.

A distant star was found that could be life-sustainable. It appeared as a glowing red circle in a black background.

Professor Klein confessed that this was just a picture of a slice of chorizo!

Traffic Miscreant Solution

Reuters reports that the Emirate of Ras al-Khaimah in the United Arab Emirates has found that the rate of traffic fatalities decreases when repeat traffic violators are given 50 lashes with a cane in a public square.

At Last!

I got this message a while ago.  I hope I'm not too late in responding:

"Joseph Vaughan, we've been searching for you ... You've just been positively identified as our $11,000,000 mystery millionaire from Maryland!"

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 Oh my!

Wordle Woes

Well, once again this marble statue of a puzzle expert has been caught with feet of clay.

Yes, today I came to a point where I had to pick one word from three similar words.  I did not pick the right word! Shame on me!

Weird News paraphrased from the Funny Times for September 2022

(You really should subscribe and read the original stories.)

Unproductive Copulation

Scientists, worrying that gray squirrels are supplanting red squirrels in the UK, have developed a plan to cope with the problem. The horny creatures will be trapped and placed in cages where they will stuff themselves with Nutella laced with a squirrel contraceptive. 

DNA's gonna catch ya!

Clever Chinese detectives were able to catch a burglar who got bitten by a mosquito.  The burglar squashed the mosquito on the wall and that allowed the forensic team to get a DNA sample and test for a positive match in the "known bad guys" file.  

A Grouchy Puzzler's Tombstone Message

When a new tombstone was unveiled in a town in Iowa, the community was upset at the wording.  See if you can figure out why.

"Forever in our hearts until we meet again, cherished memories, known as our son, brother, father, papa, uncle, friend, and cousin."

Overdue Book Fines

A book was returned to a London Library.  It had been taken out in 1974 (48 years ago.) If enforced, the overdue fine would amount to $7,618.10.

I confessed some time ago to my sister-in-law, Janine, who has been a librarian, that I took out a book in 1958 (64 years ago!) I would return it, if I could find it, meanwhile, the New Bedford, Massachusetts Public Library should send me the bill for probably $16,000.

Enough of this!

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Catching Up

Today is International Beer Day!

Man, do I love my beer.  My wonderful son insists on bringing me a 6-pack of Snake-Dog brew each week.  I look forward to it.

I've mentioned a couple of beer problems that bug me many times, but here I go again. 

1.  If you are going to drink beer, for God's sake, do not drink out of the bottle. Be civilized, use a mug, stein or beer glass.

2.  Forget about "Lite" beer, it is just regular beer highly diluted with tap water.

Elephants Never Forget

A nasty Indian Elephant-hater died and at her funeral, an elephant she had mistreated showed up and trampled her corpse.

 

He saw the Light?

Representative Glenn Thompson voted against a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage.  Three days later he "was thrilled" to attend the wedding of his son to another man.

Good Food?

I was just reading about three restaurants in Nantucket that have a devoted following.

The Nautilus - Asian-inspired seafood.

Sister Ship - Mediterranean-inspired menu.

Topper's - Fresh catch and oysters.

Why can't New Bedford showcase some seafood and Portuguese restaurants?  Nantucket is always thumbing its nose at such food.  Topper's may be the exception.

When tired Boston businessmen look for a weekend respite, do they ever say, "I'm going to New Bedford?"

No, they say they are going to the Cape or Nantucket.

They certainly miss out on some great food.

Strange Crook

A Florida man was caught after he stole paper napkins at a Waffle House.  He scared the waitresses by holding his fingers so they looked like a pistol.

Illegal Sting

Mean guys are tricking Oklahoma librarians into giving them abortion references.  They then report them to the police for law violation.  The librarians then risk termination, jail time and a $10,000 fine.

Those damn ugly Americans again!

Why are American tourists always getting in trouble?  I don't recall hearing about foreign tourists getting in trouble in the United States.

In a latest incident, two "completely drunk" Americans threw an electric scooter down Rome's Spanish Steps, causing $27,000 damage to the steps.

Scooter?  No, Splooter.

People near parks these days have noticed squirrels stretched out on pavement.  This is called "splooting" and is a tactic that squirrels use to cool off their bodies from their stomachs to their extremities.

But its not restricted to squirrels; dogs have done this maneuver for ages.

By the way, have you heard about the squirrel who carries a miniature Teddy Bear with him at all times?

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