Some Jokes

I've told some of them before, so I'll try to vary them a bit.

Old old old Joke

Last week I went to the theater.  Getting to my seat, I was blocked by a man laying in the aisle.

I said, "Sir, I am trying to get to my seat, please move."

He didn't answer so I called for the usher. The usher said, "Sir, please move or I will be forced to call the police."

No answer.  A policeman showed up, looked down ot the man, got out a pencil and a notebook, licked his lips and said, " OK, wise guy, where are you from?"

A little voice replied, "The Balcony."

Repartee

I told my doctor, "Every time I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."

My doctor said, "Take the damn spoon out of the cup!"  

I also told him that I may have Shingles, so he made me get down off the roof.

Years ago, if men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called "witchcraft."

Now, it's called "golf."

When I was a boy scout, I tripped and sprained my ankle.  A little old lady had to help me cross the street.

A Toastmasters friend told a wonderful joke that utilized the French word "incroyable," its unbelievable to me that I can't remember the joke.  If anyone knows it, would you mind refreshing it in my mind?

I went to the eye doctor's yesterday and it reminded me of this little poem.

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty.

The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks nice and so does my lawn,

I think I'll never put my new glasses on.

Dad Jokes

Q: What do you call an anaesthetized rabbit?

A:  An ether bunny.

Q: What do you get when there are 30 rabbits in a row, marching backwards?

A:  A receding hareline.

Marriage

A couple who were married for 65 years was asked how long they wanted to live.

The wife said 100.

The husband said 101.

Husband, why do you want to live a year longer than your wife

Well, in that case I would get at least one year of peace and quiet! 

(Now ... don't yell at me for belittling women.  I once had a great standup comedy routine with marriage jokes that my wife selected for me to tell.

An audience applauded long and seemed happy about the jokes, except for two ladies who felt that my jokes were disrespecting women.  They weren't meant to. But the ladies' comments bothered me so much that I dropped my dream of becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was probably a lousy joke-teller anyway.)

Retirement

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench at Carroll Lutheran Village, when one turned to the other and said, "Bill, I'm 88 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you are my age, how do you feel?"

Bill said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really?  Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep! No hair, no teeth, and i think I just wet my pants!"

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