Archives 2

Before I jump back into my archives, I invite you to do this experiment.

Picture yourself at the funeral of a loved one, where you are probably saying in your grief:  

"Why didn't I tell her I loved her?"

"Why didn't I pay more attention to him?"

"Why was I grouchy all the time?"

Now, since that loved-one is still alive, and there is time, go to your loved-one and ameliorate the situation!

Rich Politicians

Forbes magazine listed the net worth of several persons connected to the White House in 2019. Here are a few:

Betty DeVos  $2 billion

Bill Barr  $40 million

Mike Pompeo  $800,000.

Mike Pence  $1 million

Elaine Chao  $20 million

Ben Carson  $20 million

Steven Mnuchin  $400 million

I'd like to know their net worth before their entrance into politics.

The Truth

Jack Arzonico writes:

Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. "That's us in ten years," he says.

His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his buddy, and slurs, "That's a mirror!

Missing Milk Faucets

Platypuses, those furry, duck-billed mammals don't have teats, so they secrete milk through their skin, where it gathers in creases and folds, liked sweat, for their young to lap up.

Scientists think that mammary glands are just adapted sweat or sebaceous glands and that platypus moms operate the way ancient milk-producing protomammals might have.

Hi, milk drinkers!

I'm Elsie and I want to tell you a few things of great interest.

Lovely cows like me make 6 nor 7 gallons of milk each day.  In addition, we are also the source of valuable side products, like the cream that rises to the top and the butter that is churned from cream and turned into solid fat.

(A cow like Elsie has to give birth in order to produce milk, and 5 births are usually the birth limit.  Baby cows are taken from their mothers triggering a long period of milk production.

The milk dries up after 5 births and Elsie becomes hamburger.  Sorry!)

 

Barriers to Enterprize

Thirty four states require permits for children's lemonade stands.

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 From my archives

Before I get to my archive entries, let's try a couple of experiments related to the study of EDP.

01.  1.Count out loud to twenty.

2.  Now, count backwards from twenty to one.

3.  Now name a vegetable.

Did you say "carrot?"  If so, go to the end to see why.

 02.  1.  Name a country whose name starts with a "D."

2.  Name an animal that begins with the last letter of that country's name.

3.  Name a color that begins with the last letter of the animal's name.

Is your answer "orange?"

Check it out at the end.

The Great Courses Professor says that there is a very small possibility that ESP exists.

From my Archives

Free Market

Neighbors got upset when a Utah boy set up a sidewalk stand with a sign that read "Ice Cold Beer."

The 11-year-old entrepreneur showed the cops that he was selling root beer.  He had written "Root Beer" in very small letters over his other sign.

This enterprising young man made a lot of money that summer.

Hoppy Holy Water

Some enterprising Milwaukee nuns (School Sisters of Saint Francis) opened a beer garden to raise money for clean water projects in Peru and India.

Among their top sellers was a brew named "Ale Mary."

Be fruitful

Religious scholars have been spending long hours debating over the type of fruit offered in the Garden of Eden.  It might have even been a pomegranate.

The Hebrew Bible uses the generic term peri, which rabbinic scholars have said could be used to describe a fig, a grape, a pomegranate an apricot, "or even wheat."

An apple a day ...

Historians describe a former fruitful time as "the golden age of pomology." 

During the19th century, there were about 14,000 apple varieties across the United States.  Today, only around 100 varieties of apples are commercially grown.

..........

Info about the two tests at the beginning of this blog:

01.  If you answered "carrot," you were aligned with 99% of the American population, whether you counted out loud or not.

02.  You probably answered "orange," because there are not many countries with names starting with "D," so Denmark pops up in our mind.  

Denmark ends with "K" and that triggers "Kangaroo."

Ending "O" triggers "orange."

Tricky? 

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 Daily Activity

Some folks have asked me what an 88-year-old man does all day.  They are sure that I sit in my wheelchair and dose off when I'm not slobbering or eating Pablum.

Let me tell you about a typical day in my life (namely today.)

At midnight I asked Alexa to wake me at 9:30 AM.  I thought that I could use a little extra sleep time.

At 7 AM the doorbell rang.  Nobody there.

At 8 AM, Alexa woke me to tell me about the tax increase for corporations.  Thanks, Alexa for telling me something that will be all over the news stations after I am awake.

I lay awake, tossing and turning until Alexa made wake up sounds at 9:30 AM.

At 9:45 AM I prepared Elaine's pills and breakfast.

At 9:55 AM I watered our deck garden plants.

At 10 AM a very nice young lady appeared at the door.  Our door is always unlocked, but she was scared to come in. She was here to assist me. and it was her first time.

I have a long checklist showing the chores that I need to have done. I needed to explain some of the check-list items.

She said she was afraid of cats.  I told her that SuZee has never attacked anyone since we got her.  Of course, sensing a person who was afraid of her, SuZee immediately began to rub against her.

I had to arrange for the cat to disappear for two hours.

The young lady unloaded the dishwasher and made a good try at placing pans, trays, and glassware where it looked like they might belong.  I still haven't found a few things.

Please don't get me wrong about this pleasant young lady. She was eager to learn and will do good at her job.

At 10:15 AM I took my pills, ate breakfast, and took my vital measurements.

At 10:30 AM I did the following PC work:

I did WORDLE.

I did ARTLE.

I checked my EMAIL messages by date.

I pulled good EMAIL messages from about 90 considered as Junk.

I tried to eliminate my hacker. No luck.

I checked to see if my virus checking software is still in effect.  I don't think so.  I'll have to check with my son.

I downloaded two New Yorker crossword puzzles.

I downloaded a cryptic crossword from the New Yorker.

I opened the website for the Washington Post (WAPO.)

I studied all of the WAPO news entries.

I downloaded a WAPO crossword puzzle.

At 12 Noon Elaine's helper arrived and mine left.

At 12:15 PM I administered insulin.

At  12:30 PM I did a crossword puzzle.

At 1:PM I put together our picks for supper and phoned it in for delivery around 4 PM.

At 2:00 PM I prepared and ate my lunch.

At 2:00 PM I watched Bill Schattner on Netflix.

At 2:30 PM I prepared and served Elaine's lunch.

At 3:00 PM I watched the Great Cooking Course's session on stir-fry.

At 3:30 PM I modified a brownie recipe and put it into the oven for 30 minutes.

At 4:00 PM I retrieved the "brownies" that had become an inedible mess.

At 4:15 PM the doorbell jangled at a high decibel and scared me.  It was our supper delivery.

At 4:20 PM that damn doorbell rang again.  It was a FED EX delivery for Elaine.

At 4:30 I did another crossword puzzle.

It is now 5:00 PM and I'm looking forward to eating supper with Elaine and watching a good movie.

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 A Mixture

"fun"

Here is another usage of the word "fun" that I think is repulsive:

Talking about a nice person:  "She was very fun."

Artle

Today I immediately knew who the artist was but I spelled his last name wrong.  But that's OK, I still enjoyed the activity of playing the game.

Covid

Elaine and I have been testing for Covid now for 5 days.  Still negative.

Gross Joke

"What was the last thing that went through Bill's head when he jumped off a 10-story building?"

"His legs."

Classic Joke

An obnoxious lawyer shoots a pheasant on farmer brown's field.

Knowing the law, he needs to talk to the farmer before he can take the pheasant home.

He says, "Excuse me but I happen to have shot a pheasant in your field yonder.  I need your permission to keep it."

Farmer Brown looks over the lawyer's shoulder and sees the pheasant.

"Well, it's a might pretty bird, perhaps we can play an old army game for it. Winner keeps it."

The lawyer nervously asks: "How do you play?"

"Well, the players hit each other and the one who gives up loses.  I'll go first to show you.  OK?"

The lawyer looks at the skinny farmer, smirks and says, "OK"

With that, the farmer hauls off and hits the lawyer with "the tactic known only to the emperor."

When the lawyer stops crying and rubbing his wounds, he says to the farmer, "Now it's my turn."

To which, the farmer replies, "You can keep the pheasant" and slams the door. 

Phyllis Diller said:  "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would not wear the same outfit in public."

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Think about this

At the risk of telling you something you may have already known about, I will mention information I read in the August 1, 2022 edition of Bottom Line Personal.

Pants for all

Detective Kevin Coffey suggests that you wear pants with deep front pockets when traveling. This will make it a little harder for pickpockets to steal your cell phone.

Honda Knows

Besides having obnoxious advertisements, Honda and other popular automobiles spy on you.

According to Albert Fox Cahn Esq., your car keeps track of where it goes and when, and how fast it is driven. In addition, data "may be transferred from any smartphone synched with the car's information system including the phone's call logs, contact lists and text messages."

Scary?

Are you happy in the U.S.?

The World Happiness Report ranks the following nations on their happiness statistics:

Finland  #1 (for the fifth year)

Denmark #2

Iceland #3

Switzerland #4

Netherlands #5

United States #17

Afghanistan #146

Can you afford housing?

The Urban Research Institute and the Frontier Center have determined the following:

Pittsburgh has the most affordable housing in the U.S. and Canada.

Tied for second place are Oklahoma City and Rochester, New York.

The three least affordable U.S. cities as far as housing is concerned are:

San Francisco, Honolulu, and San Jose, California.

Latest Medicare Scam

Arkansas Department of Human Services reports: Fraudsters "spoof" your doctor's office phone and ask you to accept a DNA kit. If you bite, they take your swab and submit it to Medicare for reimbursement under your name.

To avoid the many problems related to this scam, it is advised "to hang up on any call claiming to offer a free genetic test - and do not respond to any text making that kind of offer. Also, one should check their Summary Explanation of Benefits for "gene analysis" or "molecular pathology."

You too can "spoof"

Komando.com mentions that one might want to get a "burner" telephone number to avoid identity theft if one is in "The Dating Game."

Google Voice offers free numbers usable for phone calls, texts and voicemails.

Go to  Voice.Google.com/u/0/signup

There are also these apps:

TextNow 

TextPlus

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Disconnected Observations

Toys?

Mattel may be resurrecting toys from the 1970's.  The name of one of them makes me laugh out loud: "Boris, the deviant Chauffeur." 

Elderly Lament

"The only time I don't have to pee is when I am peeing."

Useless Musical Fact?

"Hornbostel-sachs" is the name of a system of musical instrument classification developed in 1914.

An old word renewed

"Gaslighting" - psychologically manipulating people into questioning their own sanity.  Its origin is in a play by Patrick Hamilton in 1935. 

"Gaslight," a Victorian thriller.  Jack is slowly driving his wife Bella insane.  He almost succeeds.

In 1944, a movie was made on this theme: Also called "Gaslight."  Starring in the film were two famous actors, Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. George Cukor was the famous director.

 I highly recommend this thriller.

They don't make movies as good as this lately.  It will keep you poised on the edge of your chair.

Garbage?

For the past couple of weeks, I have gotten this message on my cell phone whenever I press the "internet" button.

"System Garbage Clean

There are too much system garbage, you need to clean up."

Now, I don't think I should institute a procedure ordered by someone whose English usage leaves something to be desired.

Am I wrong on this?

Jim

I just watched a Netflix presentation of a comedy show by Jim Gaffigan.  When I was doing "stand up," my idol was Jim.  He could weave a comedy routine about any subject without resorting to smutty material.  He hasn't changed. 

For years I had his routines plugged into my automobile speakers.  

                                                                                     Thoughts about Marriage (from a 2001 SWORD Meeting)

For 60 years we were hot and heavy in the bedroom.  Now she's still hot and I'm heavy.

Man is the head of the house, but the wife is the neck, and she controls the movement of the head.

When my wife was on a business trip, I used the waffle iron for the first time - and ruined two pairs of pants.

When I went to the store, my wife asked me to  get some unscented toilet paper, so I asked the clerk to get me Grey Poupon.

I know, humor was different back then.             ......................................................................                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

 Observations on many Things

ARTLE

I enjoy playing Artle each day, but today I got a little upset about the artist.  I knew who it was from the first picture, but Artle kept it from their suggestion list, so I couldn't submit my entry.

Perhaps I still don't know how to manipulate their list.  We'll see.  

Comedy

Today I watched a Netflix special headlining comedians Steve Martin and Martin Short.  They were playing in Greenville, South Carolina, and the show was sold out.

This surprised me a little because their show at times was very irreverent and foul-mouthed.

I visited Greenville a lot while staying with friends in Spartanburg and noticed a bit of religious bigotry.  Those folks were probably not in attendance. 

I liked the show a lot, especially when the two guys would make fun of each other, like when Martin said that Steve's skin was so white, he got a sunburn from his Kindle, or when Steve accused Martin of "butt-dialing" him using his rotary phone.

The guys also spread humor about current events, which leads me into: 

It Must Be True, I Read It In the Newspaper.

Ivana Trump's Funeral

In attendance to see her in her gold-lined coffin were Donald, Ivanka, Eric, Donald Jr, and members of the Secret Service.

HOV Lane

A pregnant Texas woman is disputing a $216 ticket by claiming that the end of Roe made "persons" out of each "fetus," thereby allowing pregnant women driving alone to qualify as a two-person car pool, eligible to use the HOV lane on highways. 

Tough Little Person

Simone Biles is our 25-year-old gold-winning gymnast who is just 4'8" tall.  This fooled a flight attendant who offered her a coloring book. Everything turned out OK though, when another attendant treated her to a mimosa.

Hell lava fall

As usual, it was an American tourist who did a dumb thing.  He dropped his cell phone into Mt. Vesuvius and jumped in to retrieve it.  Both tourist and cell phone are doing well .. or should we say, they are well done.

Gotta pee

It is now legal to urinate in public in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Lots of college kids but very few toilets.

What a Guy!

Joseph Smith, the founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints accumulated 40 wives, including a 14-year-old girl.

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Family

CJ

Dowsing is a method for finding material under topsoil.  One usually utilizes a rod (tree branch) of some kind that vibrates or points downward whenever the searched-for material (normally water) is detected.

My Brother Joe in Ohio is an expert researcher of dowsing.  I believe that one of his buddies has used dowsing techniques to find water when even professional well-diggers could not.

My handsome Grandson CJ is practicing to become a dowser, as this photo shows.

Beth

Artle reminded me of an American artist whose work I had always admired.

Clare Leighten 1898 - 1989, was an English/American artist renowned for her wood engravings.  I especially have always liked her "Clam Diggers at Cape Cod" from 1946  Looking at it, I can smell again the salty air of the Cape, where I spent many long mornings digging clams with my hands.

I want to quote information about Clare and then compare it to something I submitted to The New York Times about my beautiful daughter, Elizabeth.

"Leighton had an enlightened attitude toward teaching and inclusion, having been fascinated as a child by a disabled pavement artist she used to encounter when out on walks with her nanny. 

She later wrote of how 'Nanny's scoldings were of no avail.  All I wanted to do was to sit beside this real artist and learn from him. Perhaps, who knew? He might have lent me one of his crayons."

Now, this is more or less what I wrote for the New York Times:  

My family visited New York City in the 1970's when my daughter, Elizabeth (Beth) was nine years old.  We wandered through Manhattan, gaping at the tall buildings like the country folks we had become.

As we stood on a corner, we realized that Beth was not with us.  We panicked. We started back and nervously retraced our steps.  

After a few blocks we spotted her, sprawled out on the pavement next to a rather scruffy disabled man.  They both were holding pads and pencils and were drawing people passing by and were "happy as clams."

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 AHA!

Secret Service Problem

Are those emails really lost?  The Chief says they are.  (The same guy who was hired by a former President to head the Secret Service based on a ten-minute interview.)

Mary Poppins sang about this situation: "Just look in the place where lost things go!"

And, of course, we all know about the "borrowers."  Those little creatures who grab things that we need, and hide them for a while.  They usually just live in homes, but I suppose there could be some living in Government Agencies as well.

I've written before about my interaction with the Secret Service:

In my Junior year at Boston University, I took a test for that Agency, passed it, and was interviewed for several hours by a couple of agents.

At the end, they told me I was hired and started to give me information about moving to DC.  However, upon reviewing their interview checklist, they discovered that they had not asked me one question:

"Have you ever had a job you were ashamed to have done?"

I said "yes."  When I did telephone solicitation, I always felt it was kind of dishonest to sell discounted dancing lessons to disabled and blind people, but I needed the money desperately at the time.                            

I did try to make up for it by attaching free pizza coupons to the purchases.  I wasn't supposed to do that.     

For a little while, I drove one of the blind purchasers to her dance lessons.  She loved them.   

But that didn't matter to them.  They canceled the offer.  (I sure am glad they did!)     

                                                                            BBC Music

While working on a BBC Music Magazine Cryptic Crossword, I found this answer that intrigued me:

CRAB CANON

"This is the arrangement of two musical lines that are complimentary and backwards.

Placed next to each other, the lines would form a kind of palindrome."

Named after crabs because crabs are known to walk backwards,

Some musicians like Bach worked the crab canons into Moebius Strips.

Did you get all that?  I didn't know that being a musician required so much mental work.

Women Could Strike Back

Some folks feel that women are becoming second-class citizens.  Don't they realize the ammunition they have to stop this?

Remember the Greek play Lysistrata, written by Aristophanes and performed in Athens in 411 BC? 

To get their husbands to quit their foolish warring, the wives denied all men of the land sex, "which was the only thing that they (the men) deeply desired."

It worked!

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Hot Stuff

How-to Instructions

Take a 4' x 4' piece of canvas, stretch it over a wooden frame, tack the canvas to the wood of the frame.

Take a gallon of bright orange enamel paint and spill it all over the canvas.  Make sure it doesn't show bumps.

Let it dry overnight.

Congratulations!  You have just duplicated a "painting" by Barnett Newman, abstract impressionist. 

Now find a sucker who is willing to pay thousands of dollars for this stupid attempt at artwork.

Nice work if you can wrangle it.

Telephone Scams

A few months ago I activated a "call blocker" on our landline.  It has worked very well, blocking those telephone scammers whose caller ID says "unknown."

However, I still suffer about twenty calls a day, where the caller does not respond to my "Hello." Does my voice scare them away?

Once in a while. a caller might answer. When I ask what they want, the say they want to talk to Joe Vagnag or Elaine Lotus.  I think that their accents pinpoint them to Asia, I could be wrong.  I hang up.

If they get the names right, they attempt to get me into polite conversation.  This is the latest scammer ploy.  Gain the mark's confidence and then hit them up for money or bank account numbers.

One method also used is to call randomly and tell the answerer that they must have dialed wrong.  They will apologize and then casually ask about the weather or items in the news.  Later, after gaining the answerer's trust, they will bug these same people for money.

More Garden Stuff

My beautiful daughter, Diane visited this afternoon. She complimented me for growing a nice garden from the seeds and plants that she had provided. 

She also let me know that much of the massive greenery in my flower pots was just hard to get rid of weeds. Oy!

High Class Stuff

A group oif tourists gathered in an upscale restaurant in New York City and ordered sandwiches and soft drinks.

When the waitress handed the bill to the man seated at the end of the table, he stood up with a surprised look on his face and exclaimed, "All we had were sandwiches and soft drinks."

The waitress calmly replied, "Sir, you have to pay for the ambiance too."

"All right," said the man turning to his friends, "which one of you ordered the ambiance!"

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 Mexican Weather Report

Chili today, hot tamale.

Our temperature today reached only 93. I'm sure there are lots of places in the U.S. where the temperature was a lot higher.  

When I was a kid in Massachusetts and the temperature reached 80, the street tar covering would start to melt.  My buddy, Casey, liked that because he was then able to roll little tar balls that he liked to chew.  

In High School, where I worked in the locker room at the YMCA, the temperature was always in the 90's.  I liked it that way.

My deck garden plants seem to love the heat, but I do have to give them lots of water.  Today, I picked the first two ripe cherry tomatoes.  

So far, the garden has produced 5 yellow squash, 5 zucchinis and one cucumber.  I've been trying all kinds of vegetable recipes and am "having a lot of fun."

By the way, I read an article in a news feed that ended with, "... that is pretty fun."  I hate that usage of the word. It just doesn't sound right.

I only slept for 2 1/2 hours last night, but, surprisingly, I have not had the urge to "Pop Off" today. In fact, I have been able to do some things better than usual.  I solved ARTLE on the first picture;  I guessed the Wordle secret word on the third guess, and I solved a difficult New Yorker crossword, all this morning.

Casualties

Yesterday, CIA chief William Burns said that more than 15,000 Russians may have been killed in the Ukraine, and another 45,000 may have been wounded.

He also said that the Ukrainian casualty figures may be similar.

Vacation Time

I read today that it is now cheaper to spend your vacation time on a cruise ship than to travel by automobile and stay in inns or hotels.

A five-night Bahama cruise in August and September may cost only $25 per night.

A seven-night cruise to the Mexican Riviera in August may cost $40 per night.  In September $36.   

A deluxe cruise in September, with an ocean view may cost $92 per night.                                                 

Sign me up!        

Only Problem: 93 of the 94 cruise ships in service have had covid trouble.                     

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 Observations on a rather hot day

Kebobs I would not Recommend

I am sad to see that the Sea Baron seafood shack near Reykjavik Iceland is still serving Minke Whale Kebobs.  The Japanese also serve this whale dish but call them kabobs.

Baltimore's famous Hausner's Restaurant served whale steak.  Elaine and I complained to Mrs. Hausner but she continued to offer it.

LEAVE THE DAMN WHALES ALONE!

More Beer!

Twelve years ago, thbe Carlsberg Beer Company restricted their employees' work time beer drinking. This caused the employees to go on strike and halt production.  Prior to the restriction, workers sampled their beloved brew whenever they were thirsty.  The company decided that this was causing too many accidents and that needed to stop.

To quelch the strike, the brewers got a legal opinion that allowed them to fire striking workers if they didn't get back to work.  This gambit allowed everything to return to normal, except for that  restriction that now allowed them to drink three pints, but only with their lunch.

This reminds me of when I visited an Air Force base in Western Massachusetts where I was going to decide if I wanted to accept a commission and rejoin the service. 

In my four years in the U.S. Air Force, I never was in a "chow line" where this occurred:  I was handed a 2 quart pitcher and pointed to a tap on the line.  I was allowed (encouraged) to fill the pitcher with tasty draft beer.  Wow!

Of course, it was a ploy to get us guys to think that  life in "The New Air Force" would be a beer-lover's "heaven."  I didn't bite.

Names

Sometimes it boggles my mind that people keep their birth names even though they sound humorous to others.  For instance:  

A nice gentleman that I knew at the Social Security Administration was named Sandy Crank.

A Baltimore bank employee was named Bland Butts.

A realtor's last name was Tittsworth.

I have published several "funny name" compilations. I always have hoped that I did not offend anyone with my lists.  I'm debating if I want to publish a new list.  Maybe.  

Widower's information

Genie Corbin wrote:

"Nature is great. It usually lets men go before their wives.  But sometimes men become widowers and need to know some important things, such as these that a widower prepared, to help his fellow widowers:

1. A dryer has lint that mysteriously appears when you run and it has to be removed.

2. You have to put in detergent (whatever that is) when you wash clothes or they stay dirty.

3.  You go to a grocery store to get food and some packages have directions on how to cook.

4.  You can buy a whole roasted chicken, already cooked for you. A big help."

Cookie

My little friend emerged from her hideout today to thank me for taking care of that monster that was terrorizing her.

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 Hi!

Heat!

The last time I visited London, they were having a "heat wave."  The temperature was 75 degrees Fahrenheit.

Hyde Park was filled with young folks having picnics in the grass. Most of the men had shed their white shirts and ties and were showing off their underwear tops. T-shirts hadn't been invented yet.  The ladies were, of course, more modest in their dress.

Today, the temperature in London reached 108 degrees Fahrenheit!

 I wonder how many homes in Britain have air conditioning.

Cookie

I hadn't heard from my tiny comma-shaped ebon creature for some time, but two days ago she ventured out of her hiding spot in my bathroom and greeted me.

When she saw me, she twirled and whirled like a dervish, showing me that she was still around and was in good shape.  I was impressed.

But yesterday things looked dim for my little friend.  Right outside of her hideout stood a giant black spider licking his chops.  Oh no, had he devoured poor Cookie? I hope not.

As mad as I was about Mr. Spider, according to my code of conduct, I could not kill him, because he was a living creature.

I picked up a container, but in my haste to capture him, I squashed him.  I'm sorry, but I have to say, "Good Riddance!"

Hypocrisy

Yes, I try not to kill any living creature.  However, set me down at a table filled with steamed Maryland Blue Crabs and I will stuff my maw greedily until they are all gone.  

Now, remember, these steamed crabs were living, breathing sea creatures just twenty minutes ago. So my thirst for the good life in "The Land of Pleasant Living" trumps my code of conduct.  Yes, I am a hypocrite!

A Classic Joke

(Told many many times, it is still enjoyed.)

A man appeared to be on his last legs. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes popped out. The mystified doctors weren't hopeful, so he decided to live it up.

He went on a shopping spree.  At an expensive haberdashery, he pointed out a dozen silk shirts size 14.

"Your neck looks bigger than 14," said the clerk. You need a 16."

"I know my size," the man insisted.  "I want the shirts in a 14."

"I'll get them for you," replied the clerk. "But I want to warn you  - if you wear a 14 you'll gasp all day and your eyes will pop out"

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 We just survived a massive storm that possibly included a tornado.  We had a "tornado warning.  Elaine is bed-ridden and there is no way to get to safety if needed.  Fortunately, we did not sustain any damage, although one gigantic lightning bolt landed very close by and shook the house and us too.

The last time I felt a strike like that, I lived in New Bedford and Lindbloom Laundry was hit and burned to the ground.

I'm sure you all have experienced these enormous storms in recent years. Climate change, Senator Manchin?

Meanwhile, life goes on.

Before I fell on my face, I had a lot of interesting (at least to me) information to pass on.  (Don't say "pass on" to an old dude!) Here is some.  

Page Turners

The Humanure Handbook (Amazon - for gardeners.)

Fancy Coffins to make Yourself (Dale L. Power)

The Earth, My Butt, and other Round Things (Novel by Carolyn Mackler)

What's Wrong with my Snake? (Advanced Vivarium Systems)

Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them (Roger Welsch)

What's Your Poo Telling You? (Anish Sheth)

My Grammar School Teacher said she had Them

As part of an avant garde art project, a New York University professor had a digital camera implanted in the back of his head.

He kept it in for one whole year, recording a picture every minute to see what he'd see if he had eyes in the back of his head. He suffered a lot of pain and couldn't wait to get it removed.

Don't Flush!

A few years ago, British authorities removed a bus-sized "fatberg" from a London sewer.

The 15-ton blob was the largest "congealed lump of lard" ever found in the city's sewer system.

Sexist Joke?

One day, a man came home from work and his wife greeted him. "I've got good news and bad news," she said.

He swallowed hard and said he'd like the good news first.

"The air bag works," she said.

Learning Fast

Professor: "If there are any dumbbells in this room, please stand up."

(There was a long pause and then a lone freshman stood up in the rear.)

Professor: "What? Do you consider yourself to be a dumbbell?"

Freshman:  "Well, not exactly, but I hate to see you standing all alone."

Power!

The Wall Street Journal reports:

On game days, Cowboys Stadium consumes more electricity with its air conditioning, massive scoreboard, and other power-sucking amenities than Liberia, a nation of 3.7 million people.

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 Today is National Ice Cream Day, so get that gallon out of the freezer and "have at it."

One of my crossword clues this week was: "Sweet dairy dessert." The answer was "phish," one of Ben and Jerry's concoction.

As I've mentioned before, if you are vacationing in Vermont, visit Ben and Jerry's "factory" and enjoy samples of all of their famous flavored treats.

Church Bulletins

Back in 2005, Richard Lederer filled a column with typos from church bulletins, here are a few:

"Fifth Sunday is Lent. Thank you, dead friends."

Carol and Jim were trying to decide if they should become church missionaries.  The bulletin read:

"Let's all pray that Carol and Jim can make a decision about the missionary position."

"Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer."

"Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding."

"There will not be any 'Women Worth Watching' this month."

"The visiting monster this Sunday is Jack Smith."

Martin Luther once said: "If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there."

Food I want to try

Capers wrapped in anchovies.  Sounds delicious!

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 More Odds and Ends

Questions

1.  How many Ukrainians have the Russians killed since Feb 2022?

2.  How many Russians have the Ukrainians killed since Feb 2022?

Whenever I search for the answers I get Covid statistics instead.  A total exceeding 5 million Ukrainians have gotten the virus, but only 110,000 have died. 

Rural News

Yesterday's headline for a Virginia newspaper;

"TRAVEL DELAYED.  TRAIN HITS DEAR!"

Dad Jokes?

These jokes aqppeared in my email.  They came from some Instagram page called: "Dad says jokes."

 Scales

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!"

"Sure it does," I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Future Salesman

I was at a job interview when the manager  handed me a laptop and said, "I want you to try selling this to me."

So, I put the laptop under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, "Bring my laptop back now!" 

I said, "For $300 it's yours."

ARTLE

I'm enjoying Artle. Every day it is my next item on my to-do list. As a Liberal Arts graduate, I should be able to recognize all of the artists.  Actually, I've identified only three.

But... I've been introduced to some painters I had never heard of before.  Some of the works by some of these artists I never heard of, I think of as "pure garbage."  Cons perpetrated on the nouveau riche, who are hurrying to make expensive purchases before the impending crypto crash.  

Word From Above

Four years ago "a Texas judge instructed a jury that God had advised him that a defendant was not guilty.  (The judge) called jurors out of deliberation to tell them of his revelation.

The jury convicted the defendant anyway, but (the judge) said he had no regrets. "When God tells me to do something," he said.  "I gotta do it!"

Disability Pensions

Chuck Shepherd reports on U.S. Government Disability Pensions being paid for war injuries.   As of 2013, payments were made yearly to the disabled or to their families, totaling:

Civil War - two payments.

Spanish- American War - $1,700.

World War One - $20 Million.

World War Two - $5 Billion.

Viet Nam War - $22 Billion. 

Canadian Delicacy

One of 12 Canadian foods chosen to accompany that Country's International Space Station astronaut is the limited-issue dry cereal especially noted for its fiber, organic buckwheat and various non-traditional ingredients.  "Holy Crap" cereal is available throughout Canada and in 19 other countries.

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 Chef Josef, Blogger

1. Chef.

Today I decided that I should learn more about cooking.  I watched three lessons from The Great Courses.  It inspired me to make an "almost ratatouille" soup.

So far, our deck garden has produced 4 zukes and 3 yellow squash, so I used some of them in my recipe.

Ingredients

1/8th zuke

1 chubby yellow squash

1 pint of beef broth + an extra gill

1 can of Campbell's organic tomato (skinned)

1 chopped up garlic clove

A fistful of salt

I mixed everything in a pot and boiled it for 30 minutes

I then added another cup of broth and heated it on medium heat while I fell asleep in my chair

When I tasted the resulting soup, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was pretty good.  I have it cooling in the fridge.  I might have it for supper.  Elaine won't eat any, she hates garlic.

2. Blogger.

Here are a few items from my "Blog Suggestions" file.  Some may be a little old.

a.  America's Ideal Man.

According to a Gallop poll, Alvin Wong may be the "happiest man in the nation."  "He is a tall observant Jew who is at least 65 and married with children, lives in Hawaii and makes $120,000 a year."

b.  World's Happiest Countries.

A study conducted by North Korea reported that North Korea was the second happiest nation, after China.  

Cuba came in third, while the U,S. came in 203rd (last).

c.  Egoism.

Scientist Georg Christoph Lichtenberg said:

"He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage - he won't have many rivals."

d.  Natural Gas.

The Social Security Administration issued an official reprimand to a flatulent staff member. The worker was told that his gas-passing constituted "conduct unbecoming a federal employee." Upper management withdrew the rebuke.  

e. Faith and begorrah!

An Oregon woman came out of dental surgery with an Irish accent.  She is one of about 100 Americans who have suffered "Foreign Accent Syndrome."

She likes her Irish accent!

f.  Language Lesson.

(Per: mentalfloss.com)

"Each language has its own great ways to describe 'that guy,' and Yiddish offers some of the best, including schlemiel  and schlimazel, two different variations of klutz.

As your bubbe (Jewish Grandmother) might explain, the schlemiel is the guy who spills the soup, the schlimazel is the guy he spills it on."

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Money Talks

I just finished watching "Inventing Anna," and noted something a lawyer said to a jury. He mentioned how some artistic agents thought up a scheme to get a skinny little guy from Hoboken onto the world's stage.  This was Frank Sinatra.

They paid a group of young girls to watch a presentation by Frank and yell and scream as though he was the greatest singer they had ever heard. The girls improvised and invented "swooning."  I remember seeing movies in the late 1940's in which young girls would pretend to faint as Frank sang.  Some even threw under-clothes at the stage.

Sneaky, but it worked.

This reminded me of something I had read recently. Using funds that were donated for other purposes, a rich politician made a deal with a casting agency to provide crowds of actors who would attend his political rallies and pretend to be his fans.

Also sneaky, but it worked.

And then, there was Citizens United v. FEC, in which "the Supreme Court asserted that corporations are people and removed reasonable campaign contribution limits, allowing a small group of wealthy donors and special interests to use dark money to influence elections."

Like Martin, I have a dream... actually several dreams, but one of them is about what money can do if it is used to benefit mankind.  Why would the world's richest persons not want to achieve lasting fame by placing a few billions into the search for a cancer cure?

Another dream is to see universal health care instituted. Medical, prescriptions, rehab, teeth care, eyecare, earcare, and everything else.  Right now, my medical insurance payments plus non-covered procedures are keeping me poor and don't even cover some necessities, such as hearing aids.

Of course, we would not want to become a communist country, but we don't want to become a "Third World" country either, which is where some politicians seem to be leading us.

Ambrose Bierce says this about being rich:

"Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless.  That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. 

To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise."

Mathew. Verse 19:

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal."

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