HI!
Elaine and I are beginning to receive lots of beautiful Christmas cards and yearly reports of trips and family activity. You can be assured that we look at each one and remember the nice persons who sent them.
Unfortunately, neither of us is in good enough condition to reciprocate at this time. Just know that we love you all and wish you health and joy for a new year.
Joe + Elaine
A Little More
Funny Times:FT
The Week:TW
Tuft's Nutrition:TN
Eggs (TN)
How do you tell if eggs are safe to eat?
Eggs are safe to eat up to five weeks after the "sell by" date.
Can you tell when the eggs were packed?
Supposedly there is a 3-digit number under the "sell by" date. This would be the number of the packing date. (if 041 is shown as the number of the packing date, which would equate with February 10, the 41st day of the year.)
This is confusing because my latest egg carton shows "EXP 01 19" or "don't sell by January 19th" and the other numbers under this date don't seem to make sense to me. This may be because the Pennsylvania agriculture inspections are involved.
Silly Bucket List (FT)
1. Ride in a kangaroo pouch.
2. Skinny dip in Holy Water.
3. Repeat third grade.
4. Get published in The Paris Review.
5. Let loose 50 cats at the Westminster Dog Show.
6. Eat a Devil's Food Cake at a Satanic church.
Hi, Sweetie! (TW)
Some facts about sugar:
1. Whole wheat bread can have a teaspoon of sugar per slice.
2. Heinz tomato ketchup has twice as much sugar as Coca Cola.
3. 80% of all supermarket foods contain some form of sugar.
4. Sugar may be more addictive than recreational drugs.
Did you want more?
Funny Times: FT
Readers Digest: RD
The Week: TW
Winning by a ... (TW)
Australian star hurdler Jane Rawlinson had her breast implants removed to boost her chances to win at the Olympics.
Overkill? (FT)
Police in Fresno, California responded to a break-in by a homeless man. The miscreant had helped himself to an ice cream bar, milk and half a tomato when police arrived.
The police team consisted of:
50 cop cars
a SWAT team
SWAT team backup
two helicopters
standby ambulances
a police robot
a crisis negotiation team
In their zeal, the police destroyed windows, walls and wrought-iron doors. Tear gas and a "flash bomb" were employed.
My Favorite Job Resume (RD)
"I would love to interview for the job advertised. If you grant me an interview, I feel confident you'll see why I'm the right person for the job.
My mother delivered me without anesthesia, so I have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything.
Also, I have integrity, so I will not steal office supplies and take them home."
Even More
BOOK: (BK)
National Public Radio: (NPR)
READERS DIGEST (RD)
Self: JV
The Week (TW)
Woof! (RD)
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch.
Did you hear about ... (JV)
1. The man who was so henpecked he didn't snore, he cackled in his sleep.
2. The undertaker who signed all his correspondence "eventually yours."
3. The fastidious couple. He was fast and she was hideous.
FLU Tips (JV)
1. Drink lots of water. Ever see a fish with a cold?
2. Stay away from the mailman, he's a carrier.
Does Age Difference Matter? (TW)
The Saudi government said they were considering a ban on marriage to girls less than 18 years old, after the world was shocked when an 8-year-old girl was married to and got a divorce from a 50-year-old man.
Aussie Sports Fans Benefit (TW)
An Australian pub installed a TV on the back of its urinal. Now "die hard" fans do not have to lose even a second of a game.
Cooking Tip (NPR)
On Diane Rheem's radio show (The Splendid Table), cookbook authors suggested setting the oven at 450 degrees and cooking everything in the refrigerator. I did so, and it was great!
Observation from Abraham Lincoln (BK)
Lincoln told a friend that he heard a man named Glenn say at an Indiana church meeting: "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad; that is my religion."
(Mine too.)
More random notes
Prodigy: PR
The Week: TW
This is art? (TW)
An inflatable dog turd, the size of a house, created by American artist (?) Paul McCarthy, came loose from its moorings at a Swiss museum and knocked down a power line.
Bumper Stickers Observed (PR)
1. Brain surgeons prefer open-minded patients.
2. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
3. My karma just ran over your dogma.
4. Caution! Driver under the influence of children.
5. Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
6. Cops risk theirs to protect yours.
7. Warning! Driver applying makeup.
8. I'm spending my children's inheritance.
9. Driver carries no money. He's married.
10. If it's tourist season, why can't I shoot one?
11. I still miss my husband, but my aim is getting better.
12. Women like the simple things in life. Men.
13. Stop staring at my rear end!
14. My parents think I'm in college.
15. Frogs parking only. All others will be toad.
More Random Notes
Readers Digest:RD)
Self: JV
Standard Times: ST
The Week: TW
Gotcha!(ST)
A young lady was sitting alone at a bar. A young man walked over and said; "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?"
"To the CAPRI Motel?" she yelled.
"No,no, you misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."
"You're asking me to go to a motel with you?" She screamed.
Completely bewildered, the young man withdrew to a corner as the other patrons glared at him.
A little later, the young lady came to his table. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene, but I'm a psychology student and I study reactions from unexpected situations."
The young man looked at her and shouted as loud as he could, "What? You charge a hundred dollars!"
Will He? (JV)
The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.
The lawyer read from the will as follows:
"Being of sound mind, I spent every last cent before I died.
Special Sale (TW)
An upscale Manhattan spa has a special offer.
For just $180, they will smear your face with dried nightingale dung. This facial guarantees you a skin as flawless as a Geisha!
How not to get a job (RD)
"I went to greet an interviewee in the lobby. I should point out that I am 5 foot one and she is much taller.
Anyway, the moment she saw me, she stood up, stuck out her hand, and said, "Well, hi there, Shorty!"
SMORE RANDOM STUFF
Mensa Bulletin: MB
Newspaper: N
Readers Digest: RD
The Week: TW
Chicken Counting (MB)
A graduate student works long and hard trying to discover a truth about sun shine. He determines that one must be able to always see the sun on a certain day of the year, without exception. He knows that his predictive prowess will work towards his future fame.
To show everyone that his prediction is valid, he leads a group of fellow students to a massive picture window, from which they can witness this fabulous prediction come true.
They all look up. No sun! A violent thunderstorm was taking place!
Vorsicht! (TW)
A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally liable for not yelling "fore." The ruling stated that the danger of getting hit is an "inherent risk of the game of golf."
A Sharp Guy (N)
A noted OB/GYN doctor passed and part of his newspaper obit read: "... he was known for advancing 'cutting edge' surgery methods."
Arguments (RD)
1. A lady was arrested and charged with beating up her sister on Memorial Day. Police say they argued over which sister caught the most candy tossed at their town's holiday parade.
2. Man stabbed after argument over arguments.
3. A New Jersey man was charged with aggravated assault after allegedly slashing his friend's face with a knife during an argument over which one had the hairier behind.
