More Stuff

(Check out American History Revised by Seymour Morris, Jr.)

01. President Kennedy

Gore Vidal once was asked, "What would have happened in 1963 had Krushchev and not Kennedy been assassinated."

Vidal answered, "With history one can never be certain, but I think I can say that Aristotle Onasis would not have married Mrs. Krushchev."   

02.  Massive Yard Sale

In 1848, under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War, the Mexicans accepted $15 million for California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and parts of Colorado and Wyoming!

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That's enough.. too much going on.

 More Hidden Notes

01.  Aris Allen

No, not the dance shoes brand, but a remarkable person that I'm proud to say I knew.

One day in the 1980's a tall, distinguished-looking Afro-American man suddenly appeared at a Toastmasters meeting.

He said that he wanted to become a better public speaker.  That was a bit hard to understand, because he had represented Anne Arundel County, Maryland in Congress in the 1970's, where he served as the Republican majority whip.

Although we were of different political persuasions, we became good friends.  As part of Aris' Toastmasters membership,  Aris regaled us with stories of his interesting life.

He spent his early life in segregated Texas. He delivered newspapers from his bicycle and did odd jobs until he located to Washington, D.C.  He attended Howard University and received an M.D.  Through the years he administered to the poor and needy.       

One day, Aris did not show for a meeting.  I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer.  He did not want to put his wife through all of the problems that cancer treatments would entail, so he committed suicide at the age of 80.

There is a statue and a thoroughfare dedicated to him in Annapolis, Maryland. 

Rest in Peace, dear friend!

                                                                                    02. Old Age

Cicero wrote:

"Each part of life has its own pleasures.  Each has its own abundant harvest, to be garnered in season.

We may grow old in body, but we need never grow old in mind and spirit,

We must take a stand against old age.  We must atone for its faults by activity.  

We must exercise the mind as we exercise the body, to keep it supple and buoyant.  

Life may be short, but it is long enough to live honorably and well.  Old age is the consummation of life, rich in blessings."   

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More from my hidden files:

01.  Bull Hockey

A large group of baboons is called a congress.

(Get the picture?)

Deja moo = the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

02.  "Real" Estate

A realtor company in Westminster, Maryland, advertised the properties they have sold recently.  I was surprised to learn that they had sold a famous Italian building.

03.  "Did I have fun?  I can't remember."

A Delaware man sued a New York strip club, claiming he could not remember what he did there.

He remembers drinking two alcoholic beverages and being led into a private room by a lap dancer.

He doesn't remember how he spent the next 90 minutes, except for a Credit Card charge of $21,620.60.

04.  Grammar School Jokes

a.  Why did the lady put make-up on her forehead?

She couldn't make up her mind.

b.  What does the Easter bunny get for a basket?

Two points, the same as everybody else.

c.  What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws.

The outlaws are wanted.

d.  What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?

An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have an elephant.

e.  What begins and ends with "e" but has only one letter?

An envelope.

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 More Presidential Facts You May Have Missed

(REF:  Facts and Fun About The Presidents by George Sullivan)

01.  Large Offshoots

William Henry Harrison (9th President) fathered a group of 10 children. 

(He had the shortest presidency.  He died just 31 days after inauguration.)  

His Vice President, John Tyler assumed the presidency.  Tyler, dubbed "His Accidency" had fathered his own group of 15 children.

(BTW, my maternal Grandfather, Arthur S, Vaughan, also fathered 15 children, and then brought me up.)

02. Birthdays

No President was born in June.

Most Presidents (6) were born in October.

03.  Presidential Food

Ulysses S. Grant enjoyed cucumbers soaked in vinegar.

John F. Kennedy insisted on a breakfast of 2 eggs boiled for exactly 4 minutes.

Richard Nixon thrived on cottage cheese topped with ketchup.

04.  Pets in the White House

Theodore Roosevelt and his children had lots of pets that came to keep them comfortable at the presidential abode:

dogs

cats

squirrels

raccoons

rabbits

Guinea pigs

a badger

a black bear

a rat

a parrot

a green garter snake

a pony

WOW!

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 Mea  Stupida!

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

01.  I had prepared an entry for yesterday, and then I lost it!

02.  To cover for that, I tried another... and I lost that one too.

03.  I gave up.

04.  Today was too busy to try to develop another 

05.  I'll try to catch up tomorrow.

06.  Last night I screwed up and took my morning pills .. that meant that I did not sleep even one hour!

Are you crying yet?

Can I have some cheese with my whine?

See ya!

 Let's get Presidential

George Sullivan wrote a fun book about U.S. Presidents in 1987 for the Scholastic Program. Let me mention a few things he found out:

01.  Size

Our tallest President, of course, was Abraham Lincoln, at 6'4". 

Our shortest President was James Madison, at 5'4".

02.  Next in Line

In case the President is incapacitated or dies in office there is a line of succession.

At first, the Vice President takes over. If that isn't workable, the following line of succession takes over:

1. Speaker of the House

2.  President Pro Tempore of the Senate.

3.  Secretary of State.

4.  Secretary of the Treasury.  

Followed by all the secretaries in order until the last in line:  Secretary of Education.

Remember:  When Nixon was forced to resign, nobody wanted crooked Vice President Spiro T. Agnew to become President so he was given a choice:  Resign or go to jail on corruption charges. 

He chose to resign, giving the next in line, Gerald Ford, Speaker of the House, the job of President.

Elaine and I watched a movie a while ago, where the President and others were all killed, leaving this last in line Secretary of Education to run the country. I think he did a good job.

I don't think this was related to the Succession HBO movie.  I could be wrong.

03.  Salary

Presidential compensation:

George Washington through Ulysses S. Grant's first term; $25,000.

Ulysses S. Grant's second term through Theodore Roosevelt;  $50,000.

William H. Taft through Franklin D. Roosevelt: $75,000 salary plus $25,000 travel allowance

Harry S. Truman through Lyndon B. Johnson; $100,000 salary plus $40,000 Travel and Entertainment and $50,000 Expense Account

Richard M. Nixon through Ronald Reagan; $200,000 plus $40,000 Travel and Entertaiment and $50,000 Expense Account.

As of January 20, 2001, the President's salary was increased to $400,000 with an expense account of $50,000.

04. Education

These Presidents did not attend college:

George Washington 

Andrew Jackson

Martin Van Buren

Zachary Taylor

Millard Fillmore

Abraham Lincoln

Andrew Johnson

Grover Cleveland

Harry Truman

These Presidents attended College but didn't graduate:

William H. Harrison

William McKinley

Warren G. Harding

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 Here are some examples of authors I admire:

Ogden Nash

Which the Chicken, which the egg?

He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;

She thinks she scolds because he drinks,

And neither will admit what's true,

That he's a sot and she's a shrew.

George Burns

Will Rogers

It's amazing how far he got just standing on the stage, twirling his rope and talking. 

But that talk of his was pretty sharp.  One of the things he said was that no one could be as funny as the politicians in Washington.  He was wrong.  He was funnier.

Bennett Cerf

Mayflower

Elders of the Pilgrim colony of Massachusetts had good cause to remember the morning their hitherto impeccable Mr Standish got fresh with a fair young maiden.  it was from this moment onwards that Mr Standish was always referred to by Pilgrims in the know as "Naughtical Myles."

  

Ambrose Bierce

Leviathan

An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job* Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University maintains with considerable heat that it is a species of tadpole (Thaddeus Polendensis) or polliwog (Maria pseudo-hirsuto.)

*Jonah?

Roy Blount Jr.

Mistletoe

The good news:  the toe part comes from an old English word meaning "twig."  So nothing to do with kissing feet.

The bad news:  the mist part derives from Germanic words for "dung."  Mistletoe seeds, apparently indigestible, are deposited, and in the process fertilized by birds that eat the berries.

George Washington

Delicious Food

George said that one of his favorite menus was as follows:

Cream of Peanut Soup

Mashed sweet potato with coconut

String beans with mushrooms

Martha Washington's Whiskey cakes

(The kind of teeth that George needed. Instead, he suffered through with all kinds of teeth fashioned out of animal tusks and whale bone.)

 More stuff from the Archives:

01.  Russian Enterprise?

I read where some Russians are selling used lightbulbs to factory workers.  The workers can take them to legitimate lightbulb sellers and say that they don't work... and get replacements.

That reminds me of one of our neighbors whose husband didn't give her enough money to live on.

She would purchase produce from a door-to-door salesman and then, when he returned the next week, she would say that her produce was all spoiled, and demand replacements. (It didn't take him long to catch on.)

02.  Jobs

When my wife went into labor, I went into management ... more money there.

03.  Success

I finally made it into one of those lists of successful people. It's called "Who's Through."

04.  Pot!

When you have babies, you try hard to get them on it; When they get older, you try hard to keep them off of it.

05.  Grandparents

Jerry Seinfeld says:  "My friends have a baby.  All you hear is, 'You've got to come over and see the baby.

Nobody wants you to come over and see your grandfather.  'He is so cute, 164 pounds and four ounces. He's a thousand months.  He went to the bathroom by himself today.'"

I was watching Seinfeld on Netflix and the show's canned laughter was low and non-invasive.  And then, all of a sudden, the canned laughter burst through and drowned out the dialogue (not that there's anything wrong with that).  

The misplaced canned laughter and musical bumps are not for me.  

Kramer bursts into the room (loud cackling and applause)  

George says, "Gee!"  (The crowd goes wild.)

 Newman leers in close-up. (Loud OOHs and AAHs.)

Elaine sneezes. (Obviously the greatest laugh generator in television.)

Jerry speaks, it doesn't matter what or when. (Every word evokes a laughter response.)

I know, I could just lower the sound and read the misspelled and inappropriate closed captions.  No, I think I'll just give up on the show. (It wasn't about anything anyway.)

06.  Voting

Famous Cokie Roberts says: "In Louisiana, my home State, they bury their dead aboveground to make it easier to get them to the polls."

07.  Cooking Tip

Michael Demers through RD says:

The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting for her in-laws. So she called the turkey hotline and said, "I bought a 12-pound bird.  How long does it need to cook?"

"Just a minute," said the hotline operator, paging through her reference book.

"Thanks!" said the bride as she hung up.

08.  Marriage

How many men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving their houses?

How many men kiss their houses goodbye when leaving their wives?

09. Naughty Afghani Joke

A waiter brings a man a steaming bowl of shurwa. 

Customer: "Excuse me, why is your thumb in my stew?''

Waiter:  "It's broken, and the bonesetter told me to keep it warm."

Customer (angry): "Well, why don't you stick it up your butt!"

Waiter: "Doesn't work.  I tried that before the stew."

10.  Another Cooking Tip

Debbie Deerwester says:

While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my 10-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.

He did as he was told.  His first instruction:  "Preheat the oven at 700 degrees."

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 More of the same ... from my hidden archives.

01.  Exercise 

(From Beverly Gross)

This is an exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a 5-pound potato bag in each hand.  Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags.  Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

02.  First Line

Christine Hamilton provides us with an opening line to a novel that is not yet written"

"She was the most desired object in the room, not unlike the last deviled egg at an Easter potluck."

03.  Identity

A spy master was recruiting for his cell and he had heard good things about a spy named Smedlap.  Mr. Smedlap was hiding somewhere in town.

After a very long investigation, the spy master thought that he might have located Smedlap and rang the bell near the entrance to an apartment house.  He asked the person who answered the bell, "Are you Mr. Smedlap?"

"Well, I'm Smedlap the butcher, you're probably looking for Smedlap the spy.  He lives on the second floor."

04.  My Problem Too

I reached up to grab an overhanging tree branch and found that it was just a crack in my glasses.

05.  Trojan Horse

A soldier is sick.  Is there a doctor in the horse?

06.  Diet Needed

I'm getting so fat, I had to let out my shower curtain!

07.  Advertising?

I was walking through town when I saw some nice-looking watches in a store window, so I went in to buy one.  The proprietor said, "I'm sorry. I do not sell watches.  I am a Mohel and I circumcise little children."

"Well, why do you have watches in your store window?"

"If you were a Mohel, what would you put in your window?"

08.  Clothes

I bought a camouflage jacket and now I can't find it.

 

09.  Family Pride

How many kids carry pictures of their parents in their wallets?

10.  Corny Confession

RD reports:

Lying on her deathbed, a woman tells her husband of 60 years that he can finally open the chest at the foot of the bed, which had been off limits to him throughout their marriage.

Much to his surprise, he finds three ears of corn and $100,000 inside.  "Why are there three ears of corn in here? he asks.

"Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the chest."

"I forgive you," said the husband. "But what about the $100,000?"

"Every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it."

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 Toastmasters has a feature called "Table Topics" where a member is given a subject and is required to talk about it in a mini-speech.  At one time, I wrote down some of these subjects with a little bit about what was in the mini-speech.  

(or, maybe some are the words of Rodney Dangerfield)

Here goes: (best are at the end)

01. Turkey

I tried stuffing a turkey once.  The recipe didn't say anything about the bird being dead.  I'll never forget the look of reproach on that bird's face.

02.  Seat Belts for Kids

If the kid gives you a hard time about wearing a belt, belt him.

03.  Car Problems?

I know how to fix all of your car problems.  Just leave it overnight in a bad neighborhood.

04.  Income Tax

Try the new simplified IRS form: 

a.  How much did you earn?

b.  How much do you have left?

c.  Send b.

05.  At a Baltimore restaurant

"Do you serve crabs?"

"We serve everybody, Hon, have a seat.

06.  Crime

Crime in NYC is so bad.. last week I visited the city and the Statue of Liberty had both arms up.

07.  Cleanliness

A bird pooped on a guy's head and his wife said, "Yuk!  I wish I had toilet paper."  He said, "Why?  That bird must be a long way off by now."

Here is some other random humor:

09.  Zukes

My zucchini crop was so large this year that I tried to give some to neighbors.  No luck.

So, I put a bunch in a basket, placed it on a chair in the driveway with a sign that said "FREE."

In a few hours I went out to check.  The zukes were still there, but the chair was gone.

10.  Diplomacy

RD writes:

Visiting a village in a Third-World nation, an American dignitary tells the natives, "I bring you warm greetings from my people."

The natives respond, "Kazanga!"

"We wish you prosperity!"

"Kazanga!" they bellow.

"I promise years of friendship and economic benefit."

"Kazanga! Kazanga!"

As the dignitary leaves the podium, he tells the chief, "That went well."

"Uh-huh," the chief replies, "Look out! Don't step in the Kazanga!"

11.  Clerihew

A clerihew is a 4-line poem, rhyming aabb about a celebrity mentioned in the first line.  Here is one from RD:

Eli Whitney invented a machine

That cotton growers thought was mighty keen.

Drinking too much at a party for him,

Eli said, "Keep your cotton-picken' hands off my gin!"

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 RATS!

01.  Yummie?

Once, I had a pass for a free pizza at a  famous Boston restaurant.  As I was walking in, the biggest rat I have ever seen ran in before me.  I always wondered what their pizza tasted like.

02.  Big City Problem

New York City has always had a rat problem.  People put their leftover stuff out to the sidewalk at all hours of the day and night, to make sure that the local rats have a nice buffet.  The city has plans to fix that problem.

Effective in April 2023:

Trash must be placed in black trash bags.

Trash can be placed in bins with working covers, but only beginning 6 PM.

Trash not in bins can be placed on the sidewalk, but not before 8 pm.

Trash will be picked up during the night.  (A little night music by diligent trashmen.

03.  Dorchester Creatures

I've already mentioned our sojourn in Dorchester, Massachusetts.  We obtained lodging at night and were surprised the next morning to see piles and piles of garbage in the back yard.  The residents were thoughtful though.  They left paths for the rats to safely perambulate.

04.  Rat Pets

I've read where some folks keep rats as pets.  Not the "Black Plague" kind, but the "cuddly" brown ones.  It is said that all rats like to be rolled over on their backs and have their tummies rubbed. It apparently tickles them and they make pleasure sounds.  You gonna do it?

05.  Ratman?

News sources today reported that human neurons have been transplanted into rats' brains. Apparently, they form connections with rat neurons for scientific research.  We are assured that rat behavior is not affected.

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 (Apparently the hospital sent Elaine home too soon.  She asked to go back and let them make her feel better.  So, I get to miss her some more.)

Meanwhile, here are some more items from my hidden files.

01.  Naughty Name?

A very conservative Vancouver building council blocked the lease of a restaurant property to the "Fish and Chips" chain "Moby Dick's," because of its name.

02.  Famous Home-town Boy

The town of Mattapoisett, Massachusetts is known for its shipbuilding during whaling days, for its landmark desalination efforts, and for the birth of the massive Vaughan family.

One non-Vaughan-family Mattapoisett genius made his way in the art world.  Francis Davis Millet was born in 1846 and had many interests and  occupations.

At the age of 15, he entered the Union Army along with some Vaughan boys.  He enlisted with them in the Massachusetts Regiment as drummer boys. He later became Acting Assistant Contract Surgeon, assisting his father, a surgeon during the Civil War.

After the war he studied at Harvard and graduated with a Master of Arts degree in literature.  He then became a reporter for The Boston Advertiser and edited The Courier and the Saturday Evening Gazette.

During this time, he became an expert in lithography, winning 9 of the 11 prizes awarded by the Royal Academy in Antwerp, Belgium.

Here are some other activities he was involved in:

Correspondent for the Advertiser at the Philadelphia Exhibition.

Painter of murals at Trinity Church in Boston.

Painter of a portrait of his friend, Mark Twain.

War correspondent in the Russo-Turkish War.

Work on The London Daily News.

Work on The London Graphic.

Receipt of medals from both Russia and Rumania.

Appointment as Fine Arts Juror for the Paris International Exhibition.

Lived in an artists' colony.

Wrote a book.  "The Danube from the Black Forest to the Black See (1892.)"

Did sculpture.

Continued painting.

Invented the world's first spray paint.

Became a trustee for The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Helped create the American Federation of Art.

Served in 1911 in Paris and Rome representing The American Academy.

Booked 1912 passage home with his friend, John Jacob Astor IV on THE TITANIC!

Helped get women and children into lifeboats and waved as the massive ship sank with him aboard. 

 RIP

What a Life!

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Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain), by Frank Millet, 1877.

 (Another weird day.  Elaine came home from the hospital at 10 PM, and I am glad she's back. 

However, I was in bed later and I heard her call for me, so I jumped out of bed, tripped over my often used wheelchair and flew across the room, where my fall was broken, once again by my over-worked face.

 A nice nurse checked me out, saw that nothing but my pride was hurt and bandaged me up nicely, so that I can now join the Halloween Parade.)

01.  Postcard Contest

Way back before the turn of the century, I belonged to a Postcard club called 1KSIG.  1K was once the price of a postal stamp in Europe.  SIG stands for Special Interest Group of Mensa.

One year, I participated in an annual postcard contest.  The winner of last year's contest was obligated to present the new winner with an athletic-type trophy. 

I decided to enter the current year's contest, the goal of which was to send more postcards around the world than anyone else - and I did.  A lot more!

When it came time to receive my trophy, I got a letter and postcard from last year's winner informing me that she could not afford a trophy but would donate 1 American dollar to some nice charity instead.

In the contest we always were neck-and-neck in our mailings, with me coming out ahead, and she was probably grumpy about that.  (As we know strongly today, some folks do not like to lose.)

To somehow poke fun at my beer-belly, she attached some "fat jokes" which I kind of liked.

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says "to be continued.

You have more chins than Chinatown.

When you take the subway, the train gets stuck in the tunnel.

You have to go outside to put on deodorant.

They use your underwear for bungee-jumping.

I thought that these were very creative.

02. Riddles

Before the birth of crosswords in 1913, it was riddles that monopolized the brain power of humans.  

Adrienne Raphel wrote the Essay "To Riddle is to Read (What some of the oldest jokes in English tell us about the language and Anglo-Saxon culture.)

See if you can guess the answer to this riddle:

Name a creature with one eye and 1,200 heads.

Guess:  A monster.

Guess:  An organ. 

Nope! The Latin riddler called Symphosius gave us the answer:

A one-eyed seller of garlic.

I belong to the National Puzzlers League (NPL) as does my brother Joe.  Each moth brings a brochure filled with riddles of all kind.  Joe solves most of them easily; I have a very hard time with them.  I would rather do my crosswords.

If anyone could possibly be interested, my current suppliers of puzzles has expanded to:

Francine, who very kindly sends me some difficult but fun puzzles.

Atlantic Magazine which has some tough daily puzzles online.

Washington Post which has "Mini/Meta" puzzles online.

New Yorker that has some weekly puzzles of all degrees of difficulty online.

New Yorker that posts monthly cryptics online. 

Crossword puzzles are constantly appearing in my snail mailbox from:

Smithsonian

BBC Music

AARP Newsletters

Mensa Bulletin

ETC

We "crossword cookoos" are lucky!

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(Elaine is scheduled to come home at 9 pm.  I can't wait.)

How about some more humor?

01.  Kids

M.F. says, "My granddaughter had just turned five when my wife asked whether she was being a good girl.

After a deep- sigh and a thoughtful pause, she responded, "You know, I'm doing the best I can."

02.  Classic Senior Citizen Joke

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh...

Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

03.  Yuk!

Linda Bennett writes:

My husband was displeased with the jar of pimiento-stuffed olives he had bought.

"They're just not vinegary."

"They were vinegary when I ate them," said our youngest son.

"When did you eat them?" I asked.

"This morning.  I sucked all the red things out and put the olives back in the jar."

04. Dream On!

From Gilliam Moore:

A lady was admiring her naked body in the bedroom mirror.  She told her husband, "Today the doctor told me I was in great shape, with breasts like a nineteen-year-old girl."

Her husband said, "Yeah, but what did he say about your 40-year-old butt?"

05.  Toastmasters Tip

To advance in public speaking, 

Fill your mouth with marbles and make a speech.

Every day, remove one marble and make a speech.

You'll be an expert speaker by the time you lose all your marbles!

06.  I Got A Horse Right Here

A minister was looking out his window and saw a lady being given money by some passers-by.  Being a good man, he wanted to help this poor woman, so, at noon, he went down, handed her $2 and said, "Despair not!"

The next day, the same lady approached him and handed him $100.  She told him:

"Despair Not came in at Belmont and paid 50 to 1.

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 (Elaine was supposed to come home today, but it was canceled.  Maybe tomorrow.)

More Stuff from my Secret Files

01.  Boring

Voltaire said, "The secret of being a bore, is to tell all." 

(I know, I know, that's why I'm boring.  But, can I stop?  No.)

02.  Palmistry?

Amazon has come up with another way to get more money out of you.  They have developed a system linking your palm and your credit card.  Just like magic, your palm wave chooses your purchase and bills your account.  

03.  Directions

David Aranda-Richards wrote for RD:

"After we passed the same off-ramp for the third time, it was clear that I was lost.

My little girl asked, "Daddy, do you know where you're going?"

"No," I said.

Her reply: "Then why are you still going there?"

04.  Lightning

Ziya Tong wrote: "At fire station number 6 in Livermore, California, there's a light bulb that has been burning almost continuously since 1901."

(Once, my late wife and I visited an Edison museum in Key West, where we also saw a light bulb that had been burning for decades.  This of course, begs a question.)

05.  Logic

Linda Throp wrote:  "During a drive through farm country, my mother spotted a large sign that made her shake her head:  Orchard for Sale.

"Well, that's dumb," she said.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Who's going to want to transplant all those trees?"

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 Solch ein Tag!

All kinds of things going on.

01. Elaine

Every time I call the hospital for status I get cut off.  My daughter, Diane will be taking me to see Elaine tomorrow. The last news I had was that she was doing well. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

02.  Earthquake

Last night, the nearby area was hit with a minor earthquake.  So, you see, California doesn't have a monopoly on them.

A few years ago, when I lived in Gamber, I got up early to work on some beer I was making.  When I walked down to my work area, I was surprised to see all of my glassware was tipped over, but nothing was broken.  I thought that someone was playing a joke on me, but, no, we had been hit with an earthquake during the night.

So, my "lived through" disaster count became then:  

New England hurricanes - 5

Maryland hurricanes - 2

Carroll County Maryland Tornados - 4

Earthquakes - 1

New England blizzards - 6

Maryland blizzards - 2

Germany mountain top blizzards - constant

03.  Voting

I mailed off my ballot the other day.  I hope that you have read the initiatives and studied the candidates so that the best candidate gets elected.

04.  WORDLE

I spent entirely too much time trying to figure out today's final word.  I never did get it.  Shame on me.  

05.  Hitler's Lackies

Rachel Maddow has released a new podcast called "Rachel Maddow Presents Ultra."  It's about subversive activities that occurred 80 years ago. Some of our loudest popular characters liked the prospect of having Herr Hitler run our country as he was doing all over Europe.

In addition to specific "loudmouths," 24 Senators were involved.  Check it out. 

06.  The Week Magazine

I love this magazine but I have to fight Elaine to read it first. Since she is in the hospital, I can read it before she does. Maybe I can take it to her when I visit.

Some interesting things that The Week says:

a.  Stink bugs are back!

b.  A British man and his current wife visit the grave of his divorced wife every day at 6 a.m., at which time he holds his new wife's hand while urinating on his ex wife's grave.

c.  A teetotaling Russian official is concerns about the amount of alcohol consumed in his country since the Ukranian invasion. He makes some comparison to the U.S.

The average Russian over age 15 drinks the equivalent of 3 gallons of pure ethanol each year.

This equates to one 12 ounce glass of booze each day.

The average American over age 15 drinks the equivalent of 2.3 gallons of pure ethanol each year.

This equates to one 12 ounce glass of booze every other day.

(Please take what The Week says here with a grain of salt - in your Margarita.)

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 More random stuff from my hidden files.

01.  Insurance claim

I found a letter from an insurance company claims department about a bill for a procedure in 1998.  I don't remember what the procedure was, but it must have been important to the insurer, and they wanted co-pay.

It's a pleasant letter but with a serious undertone.

The amount they were concerned about - one cent!

02.  Mensa Hinky Pinky

One of my Mensa puzzle calendars has a puzzle where clues point to a pair of two-syllable rhyming words, the second of which is an animal. For instance: a royal dog is a REGAL BEAGLE.  See if you can guess all of those below.

1.  Amusing rabbit

2.  Urban meower

3.  Keyed-up snake

4.  Ready-to-reproduce slowpoke

5.  Roly-poly Aussie parakeet

6.  Ill farm bird

(answers at the end)

03.  Old Joke

A young boy was tasked with writing an autobiography for school.  He asked his parents to help.

The boy asked, "How was I born?"

Mama said, "The stork brought you."

"How were you and daddy born?"

"The stork."

"And how were grandma and Grandpa born?"

"The stork."

The boy wrote on his school paper: "There hasn't been natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

04.  Irritation

Carbon monoxide was leaking somewhere in Lulu's home.  Luckily, she was able to get it located and the problem utensil fixed.

I said, "Didn't you have a carbon monoxide detector?"

She said, "I did, but the damn thing wouldn't stop beeping so I threw it away!"

05.  Sale!

(From Jack Moss in Readers Digest  - RD)

"When Grandpa died, my mother and aunts decided he deserved a new suit for his burial.

Off they went to JC Penney, where a salesman helped them pick out the perfect outfit.

Smiling broadly, the salesman told them, "Today is your lucky day.  This suit comes with two pairs of pants!

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Answers:

1.  Funny bunny

2.  City kitty

3.  Hyper viper

4.  Fertile turtle

5.  Pudgy budgie

6.  Stricken chicken (sick chick?)

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 Random Stuff from my Files (that I usually keep hidden...)

01.  Hairy Question

Why do some women sprout chin hair as they age?

02.  Dolly Parton says:

"If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

03.  Neon?

Certain kinds of mushrooms produce fox fire, an eerie blue-green light.  (I'll bet that's scary!)

Foxfire is also called fairy fire or chimpanzee fire. It is created by some species of fungi present in decaying wood.  Visit Appalachia and find out all about it.

04.  Strange British Names

Some time ago, Russell Ash produced a list of interesting people's names for the Reader's Digest (RD), here are a few:

Lurking Crabb (1780)

Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned-Barebon (1640)

Wack Broomhead (1848)

(Mencken writes in his American Language book about the Johns Hopkins interns who gave names to babies in poor families.  Here are a couple of them:

Jesus-Born-In-Hellfire Smith

(and my favorite: Positive-Wasserman Johnson)

05.  School Prom Rules

Ruby E. Wallace reports that the Spring Creek High School put out rules for their prom.  One was:

"Females are not allowed to have backless dresses, and they must cover all of their dairy airs."

(Years ago there was a wonderful magazine of culture called "The Saturday Review of Literature."

I always called it the "Satyr Dairy View.")

06.  Scientific Branches

Many branches of science had names ending in -logy or -ology meaning "study" from the Greek "logos" ("word").  Here are a few lesser-known studies:

oology - the study of bird's eggs

koniology - the study of dust

ichnology - the study of fossil footprints

dendrochronology - the study of tree rings

... and, of course, there is scatology.

07.  Recurring Nursery Rhyme

The latest Funny Times mentions the poor people of Ipswich, England who had been hearing a nursery rhyme being played from time to time in the middle of the night.

The good people attributed "It's raining, it's pouring" to ghostly spirits.

Finally, a brave group of citizens did a thorough investigation and found that a business in a neighboring industrial park set a recording each night as a deterrent to someone coming near their property.

Since cameras showed that nobody was trespassing, they looked further and found that spiders were crossing the lens sometimes and setting off the recording.

The company lowered the sound enough that the Ipswich residents could not hear the rhyme and therefore get some uninterrupted sleep.

(When we lived in Gamber, our next-door neighbor had a motion sensor spotlight that lit the whole front of our house when the light was tripped on.

One night, the light went on and off and on and off for an hour.  Of course, the neighbor wasn't home to shut the light off.

While I was watching and cursing, I noticed a little chipmunk running back and forth, tripping the light over and over.  I ran out and chased that critter into the next county.  

I believe that the rascal was just having fun turning that light off and on and irritating the hell out of me.)

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