Here are some examples of authors I admire:

Ogden Nash

Which the Chicken, which the egg?

He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;

She thinks she scolds because he drinks,

And neither will admit what's true,

That he's a sot and she's a shrew.

George Burns

Will Rogers

It's amazing how far he got just standing on the stage, twirling his rope and talking. 

But that talk of his was pretty sharp.  One of the things he said was that no one could be as funny as the politicians in Washington.  He was wrong.  He was funnier.

Bennett Cerf

Mayflower

Elders of the Pilgrim colony of Massachusetts had good cause to remember the morning their hitherto impeccable Mr Standish got fresh with a fair young maiden.  it was from this moment onwards that Mr Standish was always referred to by Pilgrims in the know as "Naughtical Myles."

  

Ambrose Bierce

Leviathan

An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job* Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University maintains with considerable heat that it is a species of tadpole (Thaddeus Polendensis) or polliwog (Maria pseudo-hirsuto.)

*Jonah?

Roy Blount Jr.

Mistletoe

The good news:  the toe part comes from an old English word meaning "twig."  So nothing to do with kissing feet.

The bad news:  the mist part derives from Germanic words for "dung."  Mistletoe seeds, apparently indigestible, are deposited, and in the process fertilized by birds that eat the berries.

George Washington

Delicious Food

George said that one of his favorite menus was as follows:

Cream of Peanut Soup

Mashed sweet potato with coconut

String beans with mushrooms

Martha Washington's Whiskey cakes

(The kind of teeth that George needed. Instead, he suffered through with all kinds of teeth fashioned out of animal tusks and whale bone.)