HI!
Elaine and I are beginning to receive lots of beautiful Christmas cards and yearly reports of trips and family activity. You can be assured that we look at each one and remember the nice persons who sent them.
Unfortunately, neither of us is in good enough condition to reciprocate at this time. Just know that we love you all and wish you health and joy for a new year.
Joe + Elaine
A Little More
Funny Times:FT
The Week:TW
Tuft's Nutrition:TN
Eggs (TN)
How do you tell if eggs are safe to eat?
Eggs are safe to eat up to five weeks after the "sell by" date.
Can you tell when the eggs were packed?
Supposedly there is a 3-digit number under the "sell by" date. This would be the number of the packing date. (if 041 is shown as the number of the packing date, which would equate with February 10, the 41st day of the year.)
This is confusing because my latest egg carton shows "EXP 01 19" or "don't sell by January 19th" and the other numbers under this date don't seem to make sense to me. This may be because the Pennsylvania agriculture inspections are involved.
Silly Bucket List (FT)
1. Ride in a kangaroo pouch.
2. Skinny dip in Holy Water.
3. Repeat third grade.
4. Get published in The Paris Review.
5. Let loose 50 cats at the Westminster Dog Show.
6. Eat a Devil's Food Cake at a Satanic church.
Hi, Sweetie! (TW)
Some facts about sugar:
1. Whole wheat bread can have a teaspoon of sugar per slice.
2. Heinz tomato ketchup has twice as much sugar as Coca Cola.
3. 80% of all supermarket foods contain some form of sugar.
4. Sugar may be more addictive than recreational drugs.
Did you want more?
Funny Times: FT
Readers Digest: RD
The Week: TW
Winning by a ... (TW)
Australian star hurdler Jane Rawlinson had her breast implants removed to boost her chances to win at the Olympics.
Overkill? (FT)
Police in Fresno, California responded to a break-in by a homeless man. The miscreant had helped himself to an ice cream bar, milk and half a tomato when police arrived.
The police team consisted of:
50 cop cars
a SWAT team
SWAT team backup
two helicopters
standby ambulances
a police robot
a crisis negotiation team
In their zeal, the police destroyed windows, walls and wrought-iron doors. Tear gas and a "flash bomb" were employed.
My Favorite Job Resume (RD)
"I would love to interview for the job advertised. If you grant me an interview, I feel confident you'll see why I'm the right person for the job.
My mother delivered me without anesthesia, so I have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything.
Also, I have integrity, so I will not steal office supplies and take them home."
Even More
BOOK: (BK)
National Public Radio: (NPR)
READERS DIGEST (RD)
Self: JV
The Week (TW)
Woof! (RD)
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch.
Did you hear about ... (JV)
1. The man who was so henpecked he didn't snore, he cackled in his sleep.
2. The undertaker who signed all his correspondence "eventually yours."
3. The fastidious couple. He was fast and she was hideous.
FLU Tips (JV)
1. Drink lots of water. Ever see a fish with a cold?
2. Stay away from the mailman, he's a carrier.
Does Age Difference Matter? (TW)
The Saudi government said they were considering a ban on marriage to girls less than 18 years old, after the world was shocked when an 8-year-old girl was married to and got a divorce from a 50-year-old man.
Aussie Sports Fans Benefit (TW)
An Australian pub installed a TV on the back of its urinal. Now "die hard" fans do not have to lose even a second of a game.
Cooking Tip (NPR)
On Diane Rheem's radio show (The Splendid Table), cookbook authors suggested setting the oven at 450 degrees and cooking everything in the refrigerator. I did so, and it was great!
Observation from Abraham Lincoln (BK)
Lincoln told a friend that he heard a man named Glenn say at an Indiana church meeting: "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad; that is my religion."
(Mine too.)
More random notes
Prodigy: PR
The Week: TW
This is art? (TW)
An inflatable dog turd, the size of a house, created by American artist (?) Paul McCarthy, came loose from its moorings at a Swiss museum and knocked down a power line.
Bumper Stickers Observed (PR)
1. Brain surgeons prefer open-minded patients.
2. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
3. My karma just ran over your dogma.
4. Caution! Driver under the influence of children.
5. Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
6. Cops risk theirs to protect yours.
7. Warning! Driver applying makeup.
8. I'm spending my children's inheritance.
9. Driver carries no money. He's married.
10. If it's tourist season, why can't I shoot one?
11. I still miss my husband, but my aim is getting better.
12. Women like the simple things in life. Men.
13. Stop staring at my rear end!
14. My parents think I'm in college.
15. Frogs parking only. All others will be toad.
More Random Notes
Readers Digest:RD)
Self: JV
Standard Times: ST
The Week: TW
Gotcha!(ST)
A young lady was sitting alone at a bar. A young man walked over and said; "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?"
"To the CAPRI Motel?" she yelled.
"No,no, you misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."
"You're asking me to go to a motel with you?" She screamed.
Completely bewildered, the young man withdrew to a corner as the other patrons glared at him.
A little later, the young lady came to his table. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene, but I'm a psychology student and I study reactions from unexpected situations."
The young man looked at her and shouted as loud as he could, "What? You charge a hundred dollars!"
Will He? (JV)
The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.
The lawyer read from the will as follows:
"Being of sound mind, I spent every last cent before I died.
Special Sale (TW)
An upscale Manhattan spa has a special offer.
For just $180, they will smear your face with dried nightingale dung. This facial guarantees you a skin as flawless as a Geisha!
How not to get a job (RD)
"I went to greet an interviewee in the lobby. I should point out that I am 5 foot one and she is much taller.
Anyway, the moment she saw me, she stood up, stuck out her hand, and said, "Well, hi there, Shorty!"
SMORE RANDOM STUFF
Mensa Bulletin: MB
Newspaper: N
Readers Digest: RD
The Week: TW
Chicken Counting (MB)
A graduate student works long and hard trying to discover a truth about sun shine. He determines that one must be able to always see the sun on a certain day of the year, without exception. He knows that his predictive prowess will work towards his future fame.
To show everyone that his prediction is valid, he leads a group of fellow students to a massive picture window, from which they can witness this fabulous prediction come true.
They all look up. No sun! A violent thunderstorm was taking place!
Vorsicht! (TW)
A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally liable for not yelling "fore." The ruling stated that the danger of getting hit is an "inherent risk of the game of golf."
A Sharp Guy (N)
A noted OB/GYN doctor passed and part of his newspaper obit read: "... he was known for advancing 'cutting edge' surgery methods."
Arguments (RD)
1. A lady was arrested and charged with beating up her sister on Memorial Day. Police say they argued over which sister caught the most candy tossed at their town's holiday parade.
2. Man stabbed after argument over arguments.
3. A New Jersey man was charged with aggravated assault after allegedly slashing his friend's face with a knife during an argument over which one had the hairier behind.
Hello again!
Randomly Selected Items from my Files:
Readers Digest: RD
The Week: TW
Standard Times: ST
Anonymous: AN
Soggy Thumb
The next time you repot a thirsty plant, place a kitchen sponge at the bottom of the pot. The sponge will act as a reservoir, absorbing and holding any excessive water to feed back to your plant the next time the roots are a bit parched. (RD)
HI!
A Deerfield, Florida city employee was reprimanded for not saying "Hello" to the town mayor, as they passed in the hall. (TW)
(Hitler also demanded to be saluted whenever encountered.)
Breathe Deeply
A nurse came into my uncle's hospital room and asked him: "Do you use oxygen?"
My uncle looked quizzically and asked: "Doesn't everybody?" (RD)
Guess
Bill and Manny met at the cross roads and Manny was holding a big sack. Since it was almost Thanksgiving, Bill suspected, correctly, that Manny's sack contained turkeys.
Bill said, "If I guess correctly about the number of turkeys that are in your sack, will you let me have one?"
Manny said, "Sure! And if you guess correctly, you can have both of them." (ST)
Seating Arrangement
I got sick the other day when my seat on the train faced backwards.
Why didn't you ask to switch seats with the person sitting across from you?
I couldn't, the seat was empty. (AN)
In June of 1984, I had been working with computers for 20 years and was about to turn 50 years old. To celebrate, I published a piece of fluff called: "Computer Quotes -- plagiarized by Joe Vaughan."
Some other folks added in their favorite computer-related quotes, so they are guilty as well.
The document was liked by a few people at the Social Security Administration where I worked, and disliked by some others, who shall be nameless.
(You know who you are!)
Here we go:
001 Queen to Alice in Through the Looking Glass: It's a queer sort of memory that only works backward."
How to Feel Better
Yesterday, I somehow sprained my right thigh and was in 8-level pain. But suddenly, I became to feel a little better because of what the mailperson delivered to me.
01. Some special crosswords from Francine. to keep my mind off of the pain.
02. The latest issue of the Readers' Digest RD, large print, of course.
I'm going to list some things that I learned from this RD issue: If you have already read a copy, you could skip all this. I won't get mad!
a. Baby, Baby
Taylor A. Humphrey is a professional baby namer. For a starting fee of $1,500. Taylor will find an appropriate name for your little darling.
b. Facts (according to Rd)
(1) Frankenstein is not the name of the monster.
I thought everybody knew that: Frankenstein's Monster.
(2) You do not swallow four spiders in your sleep each year, regardless of what your friends tell you.
(3) Green Space in New York City is very expensive to buy. Imagine the worth of Central Park, which is larger than the Country of Monaco.
(4) Jimmy Carter and Elvis have won the same number of Grammys. (HUH?!)
(5) Columbus died the day he learned he hadn't found a new route to Asia.
(Can you believe it?)
(6) When you google "askew," your screen appears tilted.
(Didn't work for me.)
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Old Stuff from my Basement Files:
Probably not True
It was reported that an 18-year old girl was married to a 50-year-old Saudi man.
But this is true!
I've just finished watching a BBC documentary about the LDSF (Latter Day Saints Fundamentalists.)
When the main LDS (Mormon) elders voted to drop polygamy, a fundamentalist group was formed to preserve the custom. It moved away from Salt Lake City and formed an independent community.
The community was governed by a "bishop" who talked directly to God and ruled with "an iron hand."
The Bishop could:
Tell his flock who they could marry.
Keep females from going to school or getting a job.
Pass out wives for male members who have done him favors.
Give a Bible lesson every day at 7 am. Everybody had to listen.
Take a wife for himself from the female flock or away from their husbands if they were married.
The Bishop's goal was for all females to adhere to one task: Please your man, and do what he wants (or what the bishop wants) no matter what he asks you to do.
The higher you get to Eden-like Paradice was to have a lot of wives. The bishop had 78.
The local LDSF temple had a hidden room where the bishop would consecrate his marriages on a long ivory table.
Yes, he did get caught and is serving time; but he still controls his flock from his cell.
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I'm back.
Thanks to my marvelous son, Chris, my doctor was persuaded to give me a magic pill, and I feel good again.
Loo-King
It has been reported that newly-crowned King Charles the third always has his own personal toilet seat with him whenever he travels.
Once I read that foreign dignitaries would not use toilets in other countries, because of fear of poisoning. (Putin was one of the dignitaries.)
How they got around that problem, I can only guess.
WOKE
"alert to injustice in society, especially racism."
I believe that the concept is fine, but the sound of the word grates on my ear. It's just not nice-sounding English. Surely someone can come up with a less obnoxious sounding word.
Politics
I hope that all of the losers will apologize to the winners for the nasty things they said about them prior to the election. (I know ... fat chance.)
Ambrose Bierce wrote:
"Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."
Besame mucho!
John Winokur quotes humorist Joey Adams:
"Never let a fool kiss you - or a kiss fool you!"
Ambrose Bierce has something to say about this too:
"Kiss - a word invented by the poets as a rhyme for 'bliss.'
Mystery Man
I mentioned this a long time ago and was thinking about it today and I thought I would bore you with it again.
Back in the 1950's, I was seated on a bench in Boston's South Station, waiting for a train that would take me to Basic Air Force training in upstate New York. I was seated next to a new acquaintance going to the same place.
A tall bearded gentleman holding a long carved cane stick approached and asked to sit next to us. He asked me where I was from and began to talk about some of my relatives.
Next, he did the same for my companion. We did not live anywhere near each other. He knew all of my companion's relatives too.
At one point, he said, "You're Doris Vaughan's son Joe, right?"
I asked him how he knew all of this information about us. He side-stepped the question and reached into his long coat with deep pockets. He pulled out a packet of 8 x 11 inch glossy black and white photographs.
One photo showed him with tall Masai natives;
one showed him near an igloo with Eskimos;
one showed him in the midst of Alpine skiiers.
Some photos looked like he was talking to famous people, like Presidents.
Who was this guy anyway? Did he know about everybody waiting for a train?
He waved "goodbye" as our train pulled away from the station.
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More Musings
Searching for the Mother Lode
Jack London wrote that the best gold seekers in 1848, netted around $4 per day. They could have earned more than that amount in private industry, if they were so inclined.
But where is the thrill about that? All boy-like men like to dig in the sand and mud. It's in our genes.
Panning for gold was like playing the Lottery. That lump of shiny material on the bottom of the pan might just be useless iron pyrite, or it could be a ticket to all the fine things in 19th Century civilization.
"Accursed thirst for gold! what dost thou not compel mortals to do?" Vergil Aeneid
Saying: "All that glitters is not gold."
This was derived from a 16th century line by Shakespeare "All that glisters is not gold."
"non omne quod nitet aurum est" (not all that shines is gold.)
I just finished watching a marvelous movie called "The Two Popes." a lot of Vatican art and decoration was shown ... with lots and lots of gold!
I remember the cover of one issue of Simplissmus magazine. It showed a disheveled Christ-like figure looking into a cathedral and asking: "What kind of religion is practiced here?"
Genug, meine Freunden.
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Ramblings
01. Oratory
Rachel Maddow has developed an interesting 8-part podcast titled: Ultra. Five sessions have been aired so far. It is about Hitler's spies duping lots of high-level Congressmen into disseminating Nazi literature during the 1930's using those Congressmen's Franking privileges.
Nazi spies would also write speeches for Congressmen to give when in session. Listening to these speeches is very irritating, not just about the content, but also the way those orators in the 1930's thought was the right way to speak.
Sing-song and nasal intonation. Yelling and spouting off in a phony way, designed to put guys like me immediately asleep.
But they all did it. Listen to Drew Peardon, Franklin D. Roosevelt and others.
Everybody said that Hitler was a great orator. No way! He would yell and bluster and repeat tired false platitudes. If you were near him when he spoke, you might even get bathed in der fuehrer's spital.
02. Ads
Honda is back. Some podcasts devote more time to Honda's ads than to the desired content of the podcast.
I read somewhere that a single Super Bowl advertisement lasting 10 seconds, costs $10,000.
Anonymous says: " When business is good it pays to advertise; when business is bad you've got to advertise."
So, is Honda doing well or not? They do one hell of a lot of advertising.
Douglas of South Wind says: "You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements."
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More Stuff
(Check out American History Revised by Seymour Morris, Jr.)
01. President Kennedy
Gore Vidal once was asked, "What would have happened in 1963 had Krushchev and not Kennedy been assassinated."
Vidal answered, "With history one can never be certain, but I think I can say that Aristotle Onasis would not have married Mrs. Krushchev."
02. Massive Yard Sale
In 1848, under the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War, the Mexicans accepted $15 million for California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and parts of Colorado and Wyoming!
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That's enough.. too much going on.
More Hidden Notes
01. Aris Allen
No, not the dance shoes brand, but a remarkable person that I'm proud to say I knew.
One day in the 1980's a tall, distinguished-looking Afro-American man suddenly appeared at a Toastmasters meeting.
He said that he wanted to become a better public speaker. That was a bit hard to understand, because he had represented Anne Arundel County, Maryland in Congress in the 1970's, where he served as the Republican majority whip.
Although we were of different political persuasions, we became good friends. As part of Aris' Toastmasters membership, Aris regaled us with stories of his interesting life.
He spent his early life in segregated Texas. He delivered newspapers from his bicycle and did odd jobs until he located to Washington, D.C. He attended Howard University and received an M.D. Through the years he administered to the poor and needy.
One day, Aris did not show for a meeting. I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer. He did not want to put his wife through all of the problems that cancer treatments would entail, so he committed suicide at the age of 80.
There is a statue and a thoroughfare dedicated to him in Annapolis, Maryland.
Rest in Peace, dear friend!
02. Old Age
Cicero wrote:
"Each part of life has its own pleasures. Each has its own abundant harvest, to be garnered in season.
We may grow old in body, but we need never grow old in mind and spirit,
We must take a stand against old age. We must atone for its faults by activity.
We must exercise the mind as we exercise the body, to keep it supple and buoyant.
Life may be short, but it is long enough to live honorably and well. Old age is the consummation of life, rich in blessings."
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More from my hidden files:
01. Bull Hockey
A large group of baboons is called a congress.
(Get the picture?)
Deja moo = the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
02. "Real" Estate
A realtor company in Westminster, Maryland, advertised the properties they have sold recently. I was surprised to learn that they had sold a famous Italian building.
03. "Did I have fun? I can't remember."
A Delaware man sued a New York strip club, claiming he could not remember what he did there.
He remembers drinking two alcoholic beverages and being led into a private room by a lap dancer.
He doesn't remember how he spent the next 90 minutes, except for a Credit Card charge of $21,620.60.
04. Grammar School Jokes
a. Why did the lady put make-up on her forehead?
She couldn't make up her mind.
b. What does the Easter bunny get for a basket?
Two points, the same as everybody else.
c. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws.
The outlaws are wanted.
d. What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have an elephant.
e. What begins and ends with "e" but has only one letter?
An envelope.
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More Presidential Facts You May Have Missed
(REF: Facts and Fun About The Presidents by George Sullivan)
01. Large Offshoots
William Henry Harrison (9th President) fathered a group of 10 children.
(He had the shortest presidency. He died just 31 days after inauguration.)
His Vice President, John Tyler assumed the presidency. Tyler, dubbed "His Accidency" had fathered his own group of 15 children.
(BTW, my maternal Grandfather, Arthur S, Vaughan, also fathered 15 children, and then brought me up.)
02. Birthdays
No President was born in June.
Most Presidents (6) were born in October.
03. Presidential Food
Ulysses S. Grant enjoyed cucumbers soaked in vinegar.
John F. Kennedy insisted on a breakfast of 2 eggs boiled for exactly 4 minutes.
Richard Nixon thrived on cottage cheese topped with ketchup.
Theodore Roosevelt and his children had lots of pets that came to keep them comfortable at the presidential abode:
dogs
cats
squirrels
raccoons
rabbits
Guinea pigs
a badger
a black bear
a rat
a parrot
a green garter snake
a pony
WOW!
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Mea Stupida!
Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!
01. I had prepared an entry for yesterday, and then I lost it!
02. To cover for that, I tried another... and I lost that one too.
03. I gave up.
04. Today was too busy to try to develop another
05. I'll try to catch up tomorrow.
06. Last night I screwed up and took my morning pills .. that meant that I did not sleep even one hour!
Are you crying yet?
Can I have some cheese with my whine?
See ya!
Let's get Presidential
George Sullivan wrote a fun book about U.S. Presidents in 1987 for the Scholastic Program. Let me mention a few things he found out:
01. Size
Our tallest President, of course, was Abraham Lincoln, at 6'4".
Our shortest President was James Madison, at 5'4".
02. Next in Line
In case the President is incapacitated or dies in office there is a line of succession.
At first, the Vice President takes over. If that isn't workable, the following line of succession takes over:
1. Speaker of the House
2. President Pro Tempore of the Senate.
3. Secretary of State.
4. Secretary of the Treasury.
Followed by all the secretaries in order until the last in line: Secretary of Education.
Remember: When Nixon was forced to resign, nobody wanted crooked Vice President Spiro T. Agnew to become President so he was given a choice: Resign or go to jail on corruption charges.
He chose to resign, giving the next in line, Gerald Ford, Speaker of the House, the job of President.
Elaine and I watched a movie a while ago, where the President and others were all killed, leaving this last in line Secretary of Education to run the country. I think he did a good job.
I don't think this was related to the Succession HBO movie. I could be wrong.
03. Salary
Presidential compensation:
George Washington through Ulysses S. Grant's first term; $25,000.
Ulysses S. Grant's second term through Theodore Roosevelt; $50,000.
William H. Taft through Franklin D. Roosevelt: $75,000 salary plus $25,000 travel allowance
Harry S. Truman through Lyndon B. Johnson; $100,000 salary plus $40,000 Travel and Entertainment and $50,000 Expense Account
Richard M. Nixon through Ronald Reagan; $200,000 plus $40,000 Travel and Entertaiment and $50,000 Expense Account.
As of January 20, 2001, the President's salary was increased to $400,000 with an expense account of $50,000.
04. Education
These Presidents did not attend college:
George Washington
Andrew Jackson
Martin Van Buren
Zachary Taylor
Millard Fillmore
Abraham Lincoln
Andrew Johnson
Grover Cleveland
Harry Truman
These Presidents attended College but didn't graduate:
William H. Harrison
William McKinley
Warren G. Harding
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Here are some examples of authors I admire:
Ogden Nash
Which the Chicken, which the egg?
He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;
She thinks she scolds because he drinks,
And neither will admit what's true,
That he's a sot and she's a shrew.
George Burns
Will Rogers
It's amazing how far he got just standing on the stage, twirling his rope and talking.
But that talk of his was pretty sharp. One of the things he said was that no one could be as funny as the politicians in Washington. He was wrong. He was funnier.
Bennett Cerf
Mayflower
Elders of the Pilgrim colony of Massachusetts had good cause to remember the morning their hitherto impeccable Mr Standish got fresh with a fair young maiden. it was from this moment onwards that Mr Standish was always referred to by Pilgrims in the know as "Naughtical Myles."
Leviathan
An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job* Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University maintains with considerable heat that it is a species of tadpole (Thaddeus Polendensis) or polliwog (Maria pseudo-hirsuto.)
*Jonah?
Roy Blount Jr.
Mistletoe
The good news: the toe part comes from an old English word meaning "twig." So nothing to do with kissing feet.
The bad news: the mist part derives from Germanic words for "dung." Mistletoe seeds, apparently indigestible, are deposited, and in the process fertilized by birds that eat the berries.
.JPG)
Delicious Food
George said that one of his favorite menus was as follows:
Cream of Peanut Soup
Mashed sweet potato with coconut
String beans with mushrooms
Martha Washington's Whiskey cakes
More stuff from the Archives:
01. Russian Enterprise?
I read where some Russians are selling used lightbulbs to factory workers. The workers can take them to legitimate lightbulb sellers and say that they don't work... and get replacements.
That reminds me of one of our neighbors whose husband didn't give her enough money to live on.
She would purchase produce from a door-to-door salesman and then, when he returned the next week, she would say that her produce was all spoiled, and demand replacements. (It didn't take him long to catch on.)
02. Jobs
When my wife went into labor, I went into management ... more money there.
03. Success
I finally made it into one of those lists of successful people. It's called "Who's Through."
04. Pot!
When you have babies, you try hard to get them on it; When they get older, you try hard to keep them off of it.
05. Grandparents
Jerry Seinfeld says: "My friends have a baby. All you hear is, 'You've got to come over and see the baby.
Nobody wants you to come over and see your grandfather. 'He is so cute, 164 pounds and four ounces. He's a thousand months. He went to the bathroom by himself today.'"
I was watching Seinfeld on Netflix and the show's canned laughter was low and non-invasive. And then, all of a sudden, the canned laughter burst through and drowned out the dialogue (not that there's anything wrong with that).
The misplaced canned laughter and musical bumps are not for me.
Kramer bursts into the room (loud cackling and applause)
George says, "Gee!" (The crowd goes wild.)
Newman leers in close-up. (Loud OOHs and AAHs.)
Elaine sneezes. (Obviously the greatest laugh generator in television.)
Jerry speaks, it doesn't matter what or when. (Every word evokes a laughter response.)
I know, I could just lower the sound and read the misspelled and inappropriate closed captions. No, I think I'll just give up on the show. (It wasn't about anything anyway.)
06. Voting
Famous Cokie Roberts says: "In Louisiana, my home State, they bury their dead aboveground to make it easier to get them to the polls."
07. Cooking Tip
Michael Demers through RD says:
The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting for her in-laws. So she called the turkey hotline and said, "I bought a 12-pound bird. How long does it need to cook?"
"Just a minute," said the hotline operator, paging through her reference book.
"Thanks!" said the bride as she hung up.
08. Marriage
How many men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving their houses?
How many men kiss their houses goodbye when leaving their wives?
09. Naughty Afghani Joke
A waiter brings a man a steaming bowl of shurwa.
Customer: "Excuse me, why is your thumb in my stew?''
Waiter: "It's broken, and the bonesetter told me to keep it warm."
Customer (angry): "Well, why don't you stick it up your butt!"
Waiter: "Doesn't work. I tried that before the stew."
10. Another Cooking Tip
Debbie Deerwester says:
While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my 10-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along.
He did as he was told. His first instruction: "Preheat the oven at 700 degrees."
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More of the same ... from my hidden archives.
01. Exercise
(From Beverly Gross)
This is an exercise for people who are out of shape:
Begin with a 5-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, then relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
02. First Line
Christine Hamilton provides us with an opening line to a novel that is not yet written"
"She was the most desired object in the room, not unlike the last deviled egg at an Easter potluck."
03. Identity
A spy master was recruiting for his cell and he had heard good things about a spy named Smedlap. Mr. Smedlap was hiding somewhere in town.
After a very long investigation, the spy master thought that he might have located Smedlap and rang the bell near the entrance to an apartment house. He asked the person who answered the bell, "Are you Mr. Smedlap?"
"Well, I'm Smedlap the butcher, you're probably looking for Smedlap the spy. He lives on the second floor."
04. My Problem Too
I reached up to grab an overhanging tree branch and found that it was just a crack in my glasses.
05. Trojan Horse
A soldier is sick. Is there a doctor in the horse?
06. Diet Needed
I'm getting so fat, I had to let out my shower curtain!
07. Advertising?
I was walking through town when I saw some nice-looking watches in a store window, so I went in to buy one. The proprietor said, "I'm sorry. I do not sell watches. I am a Mohel and I circumcise little children."
"Well, why do you have watches in your store window?"
"If you were a Mohel, what would you put in your window?"
08. Clothes
I bought a camouflage jacket and now I can't find it.
09. Family Pride
How many kids carry pictures of their parents in their wallets?
10. Corny Confession
RD reports:
Lying on her deathbed, a woman tells her husband of 60 years that he can finally open the chest at the foot of the bed, which had been off limits to him throughout their marriage.
Much to his surprise, he finds three ears of corn and $100,000 inside. "Why are there three ears of corn in here? he asks.
"Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the chest."
"I forgive you," said the husband. "But what about the $100,000?"
"Every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it."
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