ODDS AND ENDS

1. WEATHER

The first week of March in Maryland came roaring in like Mary's Little Lamb as the temperature rose from the 30's to the middle 70's yesterday.

The pleasant day allowed two of my beloved grandchildren to visit me on our side porch. 

Today it is supposed to be even hotter. But with the heat will come violent thunderstorms.  Strong March winds have also come to visit.  Gale force winds that spread patio furniture around the area. Thankfully, this morning's trash pickup has already taken place so just the empty garbage containers are sailing around and not the trash.

2.  "THE GOOD OLD DAYS"

Remember? Were you around in the 1940's and 1950's?  I was.  (I'm an old dude!)

SMOG! 

Almost everybody heated with coal.  Coal dust and ash particles floated through the air and combined with fog to create unlivable cities like London and Los Angeles.

CIGARETTE SMOKE!

Almost everybody smoked. I think that the only persons who seemed to know that smoking was bad for you were certain medical doctors, owners of cigarette making factories and the Mormons.

After the Sunday sermon at the First Baptist Church in New Bedford, all of the men would rush outside to suck on their cigs.

My mother smoked and I still remember the stink clinging to her clothes.

At the age of eleven my buddies and I would wrap catnip up in cigarette paper and try to smoke it.  This resulted in coughing spasms and violent stomach eruptions.

I once attended a museum showing actual parts of the insides of the human body.  One of the exhibits showed a nice clean-looking set of lungs of a non-smoker.  Next to it was the almost completely black set of lungs of a smoker.  Very impressive and eye-opening.

TOILET PAPER

I don't know when toilet paper arrived, but Sears Roebuck catalog pages served the purpose for the house I grew up in. Think about that.

Hygiene? Forget that. You will of course be taking a weekly wash in a bathtub.

Bidet?  A civilized apparatus, but found only in France.

There was a comic strip named Tillie The Toiler from 1929 to 1959. Created by cartoonist Russ Westover and helped by Bob Gustavson.  All of the kids I knew liked the strip and named it Tillie The Toilet.

3. GUMMY GEORGE

Our first President, George Washington lost all of his teeth by the age of 55.  Here is a picture of one set of George's false teeth.

"This pair of dentures is made of animal and human teeth as well as vegetable ivory - all fitted into a hinged lead base."  Quote from the Donald and Nancy de Laski Gallery of the Donald W. Reynolds Museum and Education Center, where the dentures are displayed.

Photograph by Harry Connolly.

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"RIDDLE ME THIS"

I discovered riddles when I was in the fourth grade. Riddles joined crossword puzzles as indoor hobbies.  In my school years I never did assigned homework. Instead, I would work on puzzles. Consider this classic:

Legend has it that the nasty sphinx (a lion's body with a man's head and maybe a couple of wings) once laid siege on the Greek city of Thebes.

Horrified citizens tried to escape.  The sphinx told them that they could leave if they answered a certain riddle.  If they got it wrong Mr. Sphinx would gobble them up for lunch.

1. The riddle was:

"What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?"

(If needed, this answer and others are shown at the end of this blog entry.)

Over the years the Readers Digest and Parade magazines were filled with riddles that nourished my mind.  I also fed on the riddles section of the Complete Book of Insults, Boasts, and Riddles by William H. Roylance.  I can't find a reliable birth date for this author but let me tell you what the book cover blurb says about him.

"He has driven motor scooters around the world, earned money by selling jokes and writing humorous pieces, invented new products and conceived ideas for unusual businesses ..."

I would have liked to have known more about this unusual guy.

Here are a few riddles from my files.  Most come from the magazines and book mentioned.

2.  If an animal weighs two pounds plus 3/4ths of its own weight, how much does it weigh?

3.  You are in a race and you pass the person who is in second place, what place are you in now?

4.  Name three consecutive days without naming the seven days of the week.

5.  I have two American coins in my hand.  Together they add up to 55 cents.  Yet, one of them is not a nickel.  How is that possible?

6.  What weighs most? A ton of feathers or a ton of steel?

7.  O,T,T,F,F,S,S,  What comes next?

8.  There is a remarkable invention that allows people to see through brick walls.  What is it?

9.  What four letter word can be written foreword, backwards, or upside down and still be read from left to right?

10. If when trying to count sheep so you can sleep, you find it hard to keep count.  What is a "surefire" way to get the total number?

ANSWERS

1. Man.  

As a baby he crawls on all four legs;

As a man he walks upright on two legs;

In old age he uses a cane, which serves as an extra leg.

2.  Eight pounds.

(Is this a guess or Algebra 101?)

3.  Second place.

4.  Yesterday, today, tomorrow.

5.  The other coin is a nickel.

6.  They weigh the same.

7.   E,N,T

Eight, nine and ten.

8.   A window.

9.   NOON

10.  As each goes by, count the legs and divide by four.

I hope you like riddles as much as I do.

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POP GOES THE CORN

When we had a chimney, it was great family fun to sit in front of the blazing fireplace, popping corn, and for me, drinking good ale to compliment the salty and buttery treat. I miss that.

The American Pop Corn Company of Sioux City, Iowa was founded in 1914 by Cloid Smith. The company may still make "Jolly Time" popcorn.

Gerry Smith was once vice-president of that company and a prominent member of The Preservation of Pan-popping Popcorn Society listed facts about popcorn and instructions on how to make the best version of that treat.  (I did not keep a record of the publications in which this information appeared.)

SOME FACTS

1.  "Popcorn" is derived from the Middle English word "poppe" meaning explosive sound. It's name is "echoic." It sounds like what it does.

(Don't you love to hear the kernels popping?)

2.  American Indians perfected popcorn popping over 5,000 years ago.

(How do we know that?)

3.  One way that Indians made popcorn was to heat sand in a clay pot and pour in kernels.  As the kernels popped because of the heat, they would rise to the top of the pot.

(Damned clever!)

4.  Popcorn is believed to have been served at the first Thanksgiving dinner. 

(This means that my forebears in the Plymouth Colony enjoyed the treat that the Indians brought to the table.)

Mr. Smith supplies this recipe for "Cookin' popcorn the old-fashioned way."

1.  Use a pot or pan with an easily removable lid.

2.  Use a high-quality vegetable oil.

(Smith suggests soybean.)

3.  Pour just enough oil in the pot or pan to cover the bottom.

4.  Drop in two or three kernels.

5.  Heat the oil over medium high heat (425 to 450 degrees.

6.  When the kernels pop,  add enough kernels to create a single layer.

7.  As the kernels pop, move the pot or pan slowly over the heat to ensure even distribution.

8.  Don't be alarmed if the accumulating popcorn lifts the lid off the pot or pan.

9.  Remove the pot or pan from the heat when the frequency of the popping diminishes to one or two pops every three seconds, about 2 1/2 minutes.

(I'm not sure of that last instruction.)

Here are additional instructions from me.

Douse with melted butter.

Salt to taste.

Grab a "Snake Dog" IPA and enjoy!

If you don't have the time to pop corn, you can buy it already popped at most supermarkets and gourmet stores.

Elaine and I like cheese-flavored popcorn labeled "Smart Food - White Cheddar" packaged for Smart Foods, Inc at Plano, Texas.

Warning:  adding butter, sugar and salt to popcorn can contribute to high blood pressure and other ailments.

 

More humor from my files.

EGO SQUELCH

(Here is a story from Robert Spangler.  I did not keep a record of where I read it, maybe Readers Digest, The New York Times or The Mensa Bulletin.)

"In my early thirties, I attended a large and lavish wedding reception.  Going through the receiving line, I noticed that one of the bridesmaids, a stunningly gorgeous young woman, couldn't keep her eyes off me. My ego soared.

After greeting the bridal couple, I approached the lovely bridesmaid, preparing to turn on the charm. She spoke up first: 'Sir, your necktie is hanging in your champagne glass!'"

Church Bull (Anon)

This was a notice in a Florida church bulletin, reprimanding parents for driving too fast when dropping children off for church functions:

"We want everyone to know that safety is one of our priorities.  Driving slowly on church property is a necessity or we may have to install bums on the driveway,"

SPAM DESSERT?

(From Steffanni Hicken in an unrecorded publication.)

"You have been specifically selected, Mrs. Emery " the voice on the phone announced.

Before she could continue, I interrupted, "You must have the wrong number."

With just the slightest hesitation, she recovered and informed me, "Well, whoever you are, you have been specifically selected to receive an amazing offer."

POETRY SQUEEZE?

(From Erica Stux in an unrecorded publication.)

In response to a batch of poems I had submitted, a poetry magazine sent me a rejection letter saying that my work "does not fit our nerds at this time."

ARTISTRY IN FOOD PREP?

(Quoted by Herb Caen in the San Francisco Chronicle.)

A delicatessen in Los Angeles is called "Salvador Deli."

IS THE HUMERUS HUMOROUS?

(From Anon in Woodbury, Michigan.)

The phrase "Funny Bone" is a pun on the name of the arm bone involved - the humerus.

A bump on the knob at the end of the elbow jangles the ulnar nerve there and causes the painfully tingling sensation that we all know so well.

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 I GOT SCAMMED!

During the years that I ran the Carroll County, Maryland TRIAD organization, (Police. AARP and Senior citizens) I continually emphasized the need to take precautions in order to avoid being hacked or scammed.  

Well, now I have to confess that I didn't follow my own suggestions and wasn't suspicious enough. I got "chummy" with the scammer and got hooked. Let me reconstruct the embarrassing situation. 

One evening, my computer screen filled with a brightly colored "Message from Microsoft."  It was accompanied by a voice yelling "You are being hacked.  Do not shut down your computer. Call us at this telephone number immediately to avoid losing your identity!  #--- --- ----."

The screen also contained "Microsoft links" and did look legitimate.  However, I was suspicious, so I contacted a company that verifies telephone numbers.  For $5 they did a search and reported back to me that they found no problems with the number. Stupidly, I figured that the number was "legit," and I dialed it.

A gentleman with a slight Russian accent answered (Let's call him "S" for either "Slick, Scammer or Sam."

Me:  "Is this Microsoft Security."

S:  "Yes, Mr. Vaughan, may I call you 'Joe?'"

Me:  "Yes.  What's my problem?"

BAIT

After a period of pleasant conversation about weather, family and computers, (He was obviously a "Techie.") he said.

S: "Joe, Chinese hackers are attempting to download 'Child Porn' to your computer."

Me:  "The idea of 'Child Porn' disgusts me. Can it be blocked?"

S: "Not unless you take some measures. I'll guide you through them, but you will have to do that through your computer."

He then had me key in some "CTL-Type" instructions, one of which showed that 17 Chinese hackers were now listening in on our conversation. (Or so he said.)

S: "Joe, you know that if they download that porn to your computer, the FTC (Federal Trade Commission) will automatically fine you $7,000 and may impose a jail sentence."

Me: "But it wouldn't be my fault."

S:  "That doesn't matter."

Me: "What do I do now?"

S:  "But first, they may try to hack into your Discover account, you need to immediately call Discover and ask that they protect your account."

(How did he know I had a Discover account?)

Getting a little panicky, I dialed the Discover emergency number that S provided. (How could I have been so dumb?)

"D" indicates Discover.

D: "Good evening, how may I help you?"

Me: "Can you put protection in place so hackers can't get into my account?"

D: "First, let me check your account. What is your credit card number?"

(I stupidly complied.)

D: "I'm sorry to tell you that a $6,000 purchase was made with that Discover card this morning and the transaction is now working its way through international offices."

Me: "I did not make that transaction, can it be voided?"

D: "I don't think so, but let me check with my supervisor."

After 3 minutes of Rock Music, D came back on the phone,

D: "My boss says there is only one way to void this transaction.  By making a duplicate purchase. Then, when we see that two exact purchases were made, we will ask you three things, you will need to pick one.

'Do you want to accept both transactions?'

'Do you want to cancel one transaction?'  

Do you want to cancel both transactions?'" 

Me:  "Yes, I'll want to cancel both transactions.  How do I go about making the duplicate transaction?"

S has been monitoring the "on speaker" conversation and says: I'll tell you."

D: "Good, but it has to be done within the next two hours."

S: "You need to immediately go to your corner store and ask for a "Security Card" with $6,000 value. You then need to tell Discover that you have it."

Me: "I don't have a 'corner store' and the nearest store is 10 miles away. Besides, what store does it have to be, and what the hell is a Security Card?" 

S:  "All stores have them and they serve as 'mini-loans.'  But hurry. you only have a two-hour 'window.'"

Me:  "I'll have to ask my son to get the card."

S: "Don't ask your son, this has to be done by you in person. And don't get back on your computer until after the two-hour time-frame.  Hurry!"

(I am now "out of my mind.") 

Disobeying S, I call my son and ask him to take me to the Safeway supermarket as soon as possible, to get the card!

My son and my daughter-in-law instantly recognize the scam and eventually calm me down enough to see things rationally again.

S and D really messed with my mind.  I was lucky to have knowledgeable people to get it back in order.

My son and daughter quickly worked hard to change and secure my accounts so that I would not be a scam victim again.

I have to admit, S is certainly good at what he does, a consummate conman who taught me a great lesson.  He probably makes these scam calls from a prison cell. When he gets out, he'll probably become an ace used car salesman.

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FAMOUS PERSONS QUIZ

Recently, a couple of people have asked me if I ever knew any famous persons during my long life. Well, I've interacted with a few, and I may have mentioned them before.

Here are three.

Based on the following scenarios, can you guess who I am talking about? (Answers at the end.)

1.  My wife and I were spending a pleasant evening at the Cape Cod Melody Tent.  This was "Theater in the Round" and we were seated right up against the stage.

Tonight, a currently favorite "low-key" comedian was giving a show to a full house (tent).  His skits were interspersed with musical numbers from several of the "then favorite" Broadway shows like "Bells Are Ringing."

During one of his "skits" he spotted my wife (Elaine Eva) and liked her looks.  He jumped off the stage and sat right on her lap.  Although embarrassed, she didn't try to get this little guy off her lap.

I didn't know whether to laugh or "punch him out." Since Elaine didn't seem to mind, I just laughed along with the audience.

What is the thing that actors, radio announcers and TV hosts fear and hate most?  

"Dead space."

While this guy was on Elaine's lap and when the laughter stopped, there was "dead space." and it was time for him to get back on stage and continue his skit.  But he didn't move. 

After a few minutes, two bald-headed men tried to get him to give up his warm seat.  He refused.  When the entreaties didn't work, the two "baldies" grabbed him by the arms and pulled him back up on the stage where he reluctantly resumed his comedic activity. 

(By the way, I think this was the evening when we thought we saw a UFO approaching through the famous Cape Cod fog.

It wasn't of course.  It was just the brightly-lit water tower for the town of Barnstable.  It did have us scared for a while.)

2.  As a Boston University (BU) sophomore I finagled access to a Graduate Course which I think was called Exploration of Fine Art.  The class was well attended and very "eye-opening," at least for me.

Seated next to me during this course was an African-American gentleman.  Together, we discussed fine art. After class, he was usually met by two young gentlemen who sometimes liked to write notes as he and I spoke, and always when he spoke.

He said that he had recently completed a Doctorate program and was taking a few more courses to "round out" his education.

I often invited him and his friends to accompany me for lunch at the (Cheers Model) Dugout Cafe across the street from the university, but they never took me up on it.

(By the way, this reminds me of another B.U. friend, who ate lunch with me noontimes at the Dugout Cafe.  I think his name was Kelly, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, we always had a good time chatting.  He was in Pre-Med and had a lot to say about surgery methods that he was studying.

One day he told me he would be eating lunch somewhere else and he invited me to bring my lunch and join him.

I asked him where this new lunch venue was.  He told me it was in the Observation Area overlooking surgeries being performed at the world-famous Lehigh Clinic.

I declined.)

3.  At the age of 7, I was a student in Tap-Dancing lessons at Al Sanger's Dance Studio.  My instructor was a young lady who later became a movie star.

At the height of her dancing prowess, a part was written for her in a major film that would guarantee stardom.  

She was scheduled to audition for the part even though everyone knew that she was a "shoo-in."  Unfortunately for her, she caught the flu and couldn't make the audition. 

This was a "gamin" part, just right for our subject, but a film executive didn't want to wait for the flu to end, and found another young lady with "gamin" features.

That "substitute gamin" was Shirley Maclaine, and she was suddenly the star instead of the person the part was written for. 

(By the way, she lived near me and I was her paperboy.  When she was filming, her "Hollywood-type" husband was seen sitting on her porch at all hours, studying scripts.)  

PS.  The Al Sanger's Dance Studio was where I fell in love with the beauty who would be my bride sixteen years later.  We were married for 43 fun-filled years.

ANSWERS

1. EGROEG  LEBEOG  (1919-1001)

A self-effacing humorist who appeared in many movies and on many TV shows.  He had his own TV show at one time.

2. NITRAM  REHTUL  GNIK RJ (1929-1968)

I'm not sure if this was him or not, but whoever he was I enjoyed the short times I spoke with him.  A very interesting guy!

3.  LORAC  YENAH  (1924-1964)

Born in New Bedford, Massachusetts, my hometown.  She was a dancer and choreographer probably best known for her Broadway dance number, STEAM HEAT! She earned three Tony nominations. (And she taught me how to tap-dance, Wanna' see?)

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MORE DIET STUFF

In my files I have lots of diet information, stories and jokes.  Here are a few.  Some even have names included, but in most cases I don't know where the items were published originally.

1.  GOOD ADVICE

Somebody named Gullo says: "... the word diet comes from the Greek diaita which means "Way of Living."

To keep from being overweight, you have to count calories and make wise food choices as a long-term way of living, not a short-term diet.

Think of calories as dollars. Don't spend them recklessly!"

2.  WAIST TO HIP RATIO (WHR)

How do you tell whether you need to lose abdominal fat?

You could use a CT Scan or an MRI, but there is an easier and inexpensive way to tell the same thing.

Use a tape-measure to figure your waist-to-hip ratio.  Just divide your waist measurement at its narrowest to your hip measurement at its widest to calculate your WHR.

A WHR over 0.80 for a woman and over 0.95 for a man indicates that you need to get rid of that fat belly soon!.

Another fatness indicator is the Body Mass Index (BMI).  A BMI of 30 or greater indicates obesity.

I don't like the BMI because it doesn't work for very muscular body builders, especially for guys like "Big Arnie" Schwarzenegger when he was "Mr. Universe."

3. LITTLE KID STUFF

"Preschoolers who guzzle as little as 12 oz. of fruit juice a day tend to be fatter or shorter than their peers. Why?  At the expense of more nutritious foods, kids fill up on liquid that's packed with sugars, albeit natural ones."  (Anon)

Is this true?  I thought that fruit juices were good for you. However, I believe that drinks like Tang consist only of flavoring, water and lots of sugar, and no real juice. I could be wrong. 

We never let our kids drink Tang at home or take it in their school lunches. But of course, what they did away from home or when they skipped school was not under our control.

They did (and still do) drink Coke.  It doesn't seem to have bothered them adversely.

Is it true that Coke is good at removing rust?

4.  AM I FAT?

Another way to determine if you are fat, besides taking BMI or WHR measurements:

Find a scale that spits out a card message when you step on it.

If your message reads "One at a time please!" You are fat.

5.  IS MOMMY FAT

Our dear friend Louise Miller sent me this story:

"When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower.  

She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'"

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