Jokes and Stories

Its time to bring a little humor into our lives, so here are a few old and new stories and jokes that I have stolen.  (That's what you do with jokes, and besides, nobody knows where they originated, or what crazy person invented them. However, if I know the originator, I will try to give them credit.)

01.  In the Doctor's office: "Yesterday I drank a whole bottle of invisible ink, and now I'm waiting to be seen."

02.  Somebody stole the toilets in the police station.  Now the officers have nothing to go on.

03.  My doctor told me I had acute angina.  I told her "That was very nice of you, but you really should be more professional."

04.  This was from my cousin Pauline Kraihanzel:

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and asks for help with a very difficult jigsaw puzzle. 

"Its supposed to show a picture of a rooster when its finished, but I can't even get started," says the lady.

The neighbor investigates and concludes, "You will never get the pieces to resemble a rooster.  So, just relax, have a cup of tea, and help me put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

05.  Why couldn't Noah fish off the ark?

Because he only had two worms.

06.  Wife:  "Will you love me when I'm old and fat?"

Dumb Husband:  "Yes, I do."

07.  I drove my new model electric car from Baltimore to Boston.  It consumed only $3.50 of electricity, but the extension cord cost $80,000.

08.  Its hard to hang out with my uncle Bill, because he's always pulling an ostrich on a leash.  A while ago he found a buried lamp.  He cleaned it up, and as he was rubbing it, a giant genie appeared.

The genie was so glad to be released after many years, that he said 

that he would grant my uncle one wish.

My horny uncle Bill wished for a chick with long legs.

09.  A man submitting information to his Income Tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. ""Sixteen," he replied.

The startled preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it!"

10.  A preacher had memory problems and was advised by his therapist to back up in his sermons whenever he couldn't remember what to say next, and repeat until he finally did remember.

So, one day he got stuck on "Behold I cometh."  He said it three times and then he remembered.  He was so proud of himself that he didn't pay attention and fell off the stage and landed on a little old lady.

"Sorry!" he said.

The little lady said, 

"Don't worry, sonny, you warned me three times. I should have moved."

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