Hurricane Hermine; Wait Wait Don't Tell Me; Trump; Weiner; Dogs; Goat Yoga; Red Bags; Mountain Dew; Free Makeup; Spaceman

Nice coolish day. Lots of wind, foretelling the soon to arrive Hurricane Hermine.  We probably will just get a lot of rain and not much wind, being so far inland... we could really use the rain, because as Tom Bodett says about the current weather... "It's dryer than a popcorn fart."  Whatever that means.

Yes.. today was Wait Wait Don't Tell Me day.  The cast was broadcasting from Tanglewood in Massachusetts.  Tom Bodett, Roy Blount, Jr., and Paula Poundstone were in attendance.  Some of what they talked about:

Trumpet

He (the Donald) said that he didn't mention the cost of his famous  wall to El Presidente.  However, El Presidente said he made it perfectly clear that Mexico was not going to pay for any stupid ass wall.

Groin Groan

Well, Representative Weiner is at it again, showing photos of his crotch around the Internet.   But, you know, I think I would rather vote for him than Trump.  Sex playing is not nuclear annihilation.

Dogs Know

Studies of 12 dogs and their MRI results would tend to  show that dogs understand what we are saying to them and also probably know when we are lying.  (Now we're back to Donald again.)

 Grease Job

Kentucky Fried Chicken is getting into the sunscreen business.  You can use their sun block to avoid getting fried by the sun.  

Baggage Handling

The 900 members of the British team (crowd) that went to the Rio Games all had red (look-alike) luggage, and had a nice long time figuring out whose was whose.

Elaine gave me a good tip.  On the times that we traveled and had luggage to carry, she placed baby blue strings on my luggage and baby pink strings on her luggage.  That made it relatively easy for us to separate our luggage in a hurry as it rotated off the plane.

Goat Yoga

It's big in the U.K.  People travel for miles, just to let a stinky, chewing, pooping goat jump and walk all over their backs.  I wonder if that has caught on in the U.S. yet?

Drug Testing Innovation

Some people who are required to submit urine specimens for drug testing have found that a sample of Mountain Dew serves very well to fool the testers..

Shoppers Abuse

Certain young ladies are not spending any of their morning time putting on makeup.  Instead, they are driving to nearby department stores and taking advantage of free makeup samples.  Department store personnel is getting mad about this.

Spaceman

Ousted baseball pitcher, Bill Lee (alias Spaceman) is running for Governor of Vermont.  When he wins, he will make smoking marijuana mandatory.  He's an outspoken funny guy.  A movie about him will be coming out soon.  Title?  Why Spaceman of course.  I'll make a concerted effort to miss it if I can.

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AARP Meeting, Tombstones; Genealogy

Welcome to September 2016.  Nice day. Partly sunny and 76... feels so nice after 46 days over 90 degrees!  Of course, we are probably in the preliminaries of Hurricane Hermine that is racing up the east coast.  I suspect that tomorrow we will get inundated with rain.  We need it.

Today was AARP Chapter meeting day. Let me recap... don't ignore it because I have two great jokes for you.

I brought in:

50 Joe Vaughan Fan Club pens... they all disappeared.

10 2017 calendars.  They all disappeared.

A large walker.. it disappeared.

A large stand for the infirm...  nobody took it.

A funny kind of cane on wheels... nobody took it.

Health Program: 

A lady from Mathias Monuments in Westminster talked to us old folks about a subject nobody usually discusses until after a death has occurred.

She asked for some input and I spoke about the pink granite gravestone that I had put up for my Aunt Marjorie and other relatives.

The presenter said that if graves are next to a church.. it is a church yard.

She said that if graves are far from a church.. it is a cemetery.

She mentioned  that the average stone costs around $4,100.  As she said that, I heard a gasp go up from the audience.

I asked a bunch of questions:

Q.  Who carves the stones?
A.  An artisan who has lots of years of experience.  Unless there is a very detailed colorful picture needed, then it is sent to a factory down south.

Q.  Suppose I have set up a stone with me and my wife's information on it... and later she leaves me... what happens?
A.  We can erase the wife's information without detection.

Q.  Could you make a stone like my mother has?  Black and opaque unless  you look at it a certain way, then colorful flowers and such shine out.
A.  Yes.

Q.  Suppose I find a nice big stone in my yard and I want to have it made into a tombstone.  Could it be done?
A.  Not an uncommon occurrence. Yes.


Q.  As a student of genealogy, could I bring a name to you and ask  you if you had ever made a stone for that name?
A.  We have 3x5 cards going back to 1926 with that information, including where the stone was erected.

After this kind of depressing presentation, we ate a nice Italian meal... ziti and garlic bread.

Following this, a lady played recordings and sang show tunes for us.  Some of us chimed in. Now, I want to be charitable.. this lady had lots of energy.. but not much voice.  But she gave it a great try and the audience seemed pleased.


During the business session, Louise Miller gave us the following great joke:

Three elderly ladies lived together.  Annie,  Betty, and Clara.
One day, Annie yelled to the others:  "Help, I'm standing in the bathtub, but I don't know if I getting in to the tub or if I've finished."  Betty replied:  "Hold on, I'm on the stairs.  I'll be there as soon as I figure out if I'm coming up or going down."  Meanwhile, Clara said: "Don't you both worry, you are doing all right, knock on wood.  I'll be there as soon as I see who is at the door."

I followed Louise with my joke of the month:

A man and his wife went to the Doctor's.  After the man was examined, the doctor came out to talk to the wife.  "Well, your husband has some very bad problems and might die if he doesn't get help.  I think though that he might get better if you make love three times a week."  

The wife thinks about this and when her husband comes out he says:  "What did the doctor tell  you about my condition?"

The wife said:  "He said you're going to die!"

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Trump in Mexico; Yuge!; Old Guys Show; Asian Food; Growth Hormone; Diaper Signs from God

Hot as usual, but maybe we might experience a thunderstorm.  We could use the rain.   Elaine tells me that we have had 45 days of 90 plus degrees.  I believe it.  And our BGE energy bill reflects it.

Mr. Trump visits Mexico

Well, it happened, and Trump did not even get shot at.  His Mexican lovers account for a grand total of 2% of the population.  The Mexican President invited Donald and Hillary to meet with him... Hillary declined.  Some folks in Mexico say that El Presidente  took that action to deflect interest in some scandals that he is supposed to be involved it.  In any event, an American reporter said that the two big guys seemed to act as friends, rather than enemies.  We'll see.  Donald gives an immigration speech tonight... should be interesting.

Meanwhile... Please!  Please!  obtain a copy of Yuge by Garry Troudeau.  You will see that all that is going on is deja vu.

Otherwise

I had a nice talk with my son, Christopher.  I love to talk with him because he has so much information to impart.  God!  I'm so lucky to have such a son!

Chris called to tell me to watch the new show with some famous old guys:  William Shattner (84?!); George Foreman (you know... fists and grills); the Fonze (now what the hell is his name);  that tall guy who claims to be a former quarterback... I don't believe it... at 6'3", he's too tall to be a quarterback.  Anyway, these guys managed to destroy Tokyo,  then Kyoto, then Hong Kong...  next, I think they will be bugging Kim Yung Whatever in North Korea.  It's a great show, Elaine and I laughed and laughed, while these guys set International relations back by decades.  Watch it if you can!

George Foreman doesn't just have grills... he also has lots of kids.. George 2,  George 3, George 4,  George 5,  George 6 (maybe more) and one of his girls is named Georgette.  For years, everybody had a George Foreman grill.  We did.  And we used it every Sunday.  I wonder what happened to it?

Asian Food

Why do markets in Asia all sell parts of animals that Americans do not ordinarily eat?  Ovaries? Penises?  Lungs? etc.      Our American representatives went to a medicine store in Hong Kong and were offered lots of healthful things, like baby mice and cobras.  Naturally, these things are not sold in McDonalds, and therefore will never be eaten by red-blooded American folks.  No way!

I've read where cockroaches are wonderful sources of protein.  But, I'm sorry, I'm still going to step on them.  And spiders.  

Growth Hormone

I read where McDonalds is going to eschew the serving of hamburgers that have come from cows injected with Growth Hormone.  Of course, this will mean that the average American height will once again have to be adjusted.  As I've mentioned before, at 5' 7" I was tall for a 12 year old.  However, that was when hamburger joints started to serve the meat from cows injected with growth hormone.  I was too poor to  have any, so I stayed at 5'7".  Meanwhile, my buddies pushed steroid modified food down their gullets and quickly made me a short person.   So there you have it... the reason why I have to have my pants cut down, as well as having my photo ops taken with me standing on a box, just like Humphrey Bogart and Alan Ladd.


A Sign from God

Chuck Shephard reported in the Funny Paper for September 2016, the strange case of a Florida lady who saw a cross smudged on her infant's dirty diaper.  "God, put the sign where he knew I'd see it."

Prior to this, a few people reported seeing Jesus in a rust stain on an abandoned refrigerator. 

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RIP Russ Culp; Donald Trump; Hillary Clinton; Quotations; California; Prohibition; Zimmerman's Gun; Nude Dining

Hot!

This morning I was part of the Veterans' participation in the funeral of my friend, Russ Culp.  Let me give you a little timeline of his life:

1919  Born in Pennsylvania
1940  Joined the U.S. Army for a one year enlistment
1941  Stationed at Oahu, Hawaii when Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese.
1946   His one  year enlistment stretched to 6 years because of WWII.
1947- 1970  Work at the National Institutes of Health (23 years)
1971- 2016  Retirement (45 years!) 

His retired life lasted almost twice as long as his working life!   I knew Russ at the NARFE organization meetings.  (Retired Federal Employees)  I also heard him sing many times.. he was in a lot of barbershop quartets.

Russ also was crazy about radio operations.  He formed a group at Carroll Lutheran Village and asked me often to join with them.  Even though I had a radio operator's license, I never did.  I should have; it sounded like a lot of fun, communicating with folks around the world.

I saw Russ just a couple of days ago and he looked good.  If I knew he wasn't going to be around much longer, I would have stopped and talked to him.  Instead, I just patted him on the back and told him how good he looked.

His wife said that at the age of 97 (!) it was probably his time to leave us.

RIP Russ!

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Words to Live By?

The Funny Times for September 2016 has a cartoon by Joe Heller that I think is a masterpiece.  It shows a grumpy looking Donald Trump and a smiling Hillary Clinton, with words from both candidates:  First: from Donald:

"It's getting worse
So don't try to convince me that
the future is bright in America
because, when you take a closer look,
there's anger + hate
even if
it's not who we are as a nation
but
you should be scared
crime, terrorists, illegals
we need to do something
believe me
fear
is greater than
hope
because
we can't be optimistic
and you'll never hear me say
America needs bridges not walls"

Now, for Hillary's words, read it from bottom to top.

Quotations Can Help Us

Dave Maleckar quotes Winnie the Pooh's A. A. Milne, who wrote:  "A quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself, always a laborious business."

So Here's a Couple of Quotes from the Funny Paper:

Cher: "The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage."

Neil Simon:  "The only thing Californians read is the license plate in front of them."

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To end this marvelous blog entry, I will mention three fantastic pieces of information that the Funny Paper listed as coming from Harper's Index:

o  There are 30 members left in the Prohibition Party, the third-oldest U.S. political party.

o   George Zimmerman got $250,000 when he auctioned off the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin.

o   There are 46,000 people on the waiting list of a London restaurant where patrons are allowed to dine in the nude.

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Alt Right; Yuge!; Phones; Old Joke; Problem Solving; Dubai Decree; HItler's Portrait

Another hot day... Elaine had her teeth cleaned today and afterwards we spent a couple of hours in our 84 degree swimming pool at the village.  Lots of our fellow residents do not avail themselves of the pool because of the cold temperature.  A shame.

Alt Right!

Alternative. Conservatives... (alt right)   that's all one hears about now... never heard of them before last week.  On today's Diane Rheem Show, the head of these guys called in and Diane asked him some probing questions that exposed him as the ultra bigot that he is. 

The movement is concerned that the white folks in the United States are becoming a minority and that immigration should immediately be stopped, because our land was formed as a "white" enclave.. and we need  to remain so.  Segregation is OK, so they say, because all races want to stay with their own.  Now, the alt right movement has moved into Trump's camp.  I'm surprised that it took so long to happen.

Yuge!

At another segment of the Diane Rheem show, Diane interviewed Mr. Trudeau, the creator of Doonesbury.  He has taken all of the cartoon strips he has created since the 1980's, in which one of the main characters is Donald Trump and published them in a book with the Trump-like title: Yuge!.  I immediately ordered the book on Kindle and am enjoying it.

Phone Fun

Evelyn Wilkins wrote in the Readers Digest;  "The phone rang.  I answered with the name of our company, only to be told by the caller that he had the wrong number.  A minute later, he called again, this time sounding agitated.  By the third time, he'd lost it.  "Quit answering the phone!" he yelled.  "I'm trying to call Austin High School!"

Old Old Old Joke

Man: (to woman on train) "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
Woman: "Conductor! Conductor!  This man has just insulted us!"
Conductor: "Now, madam, calm down.  I'll get a drink of water for you and a banana for  your monkey."

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"   sez  Karyn Brady

Once, at work in the 1960's,  I attacked something called the O + M Test (Organization and Management)... the test was given to help select folks for the new position of Computer Programmer/Analyst.  I found the test very easy and "aced" it... because, for each question, I asked myself, "What would President Johnson do to resolve this?"

Murray's Rule

Any country with "democratic" in the title, isn't.     Jim Murray

Note from Theresa Williams

"I love ewe," he said sheepishly.

What happened?

Back in 2013, Dubai attempted to induce its chubby citizens to lose weight by offering them a gram of gold for every kilogram (2.2 pounds) they shed.

Stomach Turning Art

Patrons of the Night Light Lounge in Portland Oregon, demanded that a painting of Adolf Hitler wearing a Dondald trump campaign hat be removed.  The said that it spoiled their appetites.

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U.S. Chamber of Commerce Mission

Nice day... not too hot.. I trimmed one of my tomato plants and a couple of flowers and didn't get too much sweat in my eyes.  I also found a nice little hidden red tomato that had been hidden by weeds.

Note to remember:  At 5 am this morning, one of our smoke detectors made a loud screeching sound for 3 seconds.... it has done that before.  And, the other night, one of our ceiling-installed detector (of some kind) flashed a green and sometimes yellow circle on the bedroom ceiling and this time, on the ceiling in the front room... the first time I have noticed that. 

When these things occur, it feels as though Martians are invading.  I contacted Security and was told that there is not much they can do... we will have to wait for a new sensing system to be installed "sometime soon.  Meanwhile, I won't let Elaine watch Science Fiction movies before bed.

Chamber of Commerce?  Horrors?

I subscribe to the Washington Spectator newsletter and depend on its accurate take of the situation in our Nation's capital.  In the September first, 2016 issue, Mark Dowie wrote a critique of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.  The title: Corporate Lobby: The Third Chamber of Congres.

Mark outlines what he believes are the goals of Thomas J. Donohue, CEO since 1997, of the US Chamber of Commerce.  I must be very naïve, because when I read the goals I was shocked.  If true, these goals are the complete opposite of my idea of  proper goals for the United States.

o  Challenge health care reform

o   Sue the SEC to stifle the regulation of financial markets

o   Lobby Congress to reduce punitive damages in product liability legislation

o  Gut the Foreign Corrupt Practices and False Claims Acts

o  Undermine carbon pollution standards

o   Question the causes of climate change

o   Oppose a Federal minimum wage

o   Defend high-salt processed foods

o   Attack "net metering" of solar energy panels

o   Interfere in the election of state supreme court justices

o   Be a shill for American tobacco overseas (even though tobacco kills)

o   Oppose environmental legislation

o   Fight paid maternity leave

o   Persuade American businesses to fight campaign-finance disclosure

o    Oppose net neutrality

o    Defend high pharmaceutical prices!!!

o    Launder large "anonymous" donations

o    Get friendly with the Koch Brothers Freedom Partners

o    Get friendly with Karl Rove's American Crossroads Super PAC


WHEW!  Tom must be a superman if he can do all this.  Mark Dowie thinks that this is just an abbreviated list of Tom's CEO duties.

How does all this fit into the mission of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce?  Or does it?

"To advance human progress through an economic, political, and social system based on individual freedom, incentive, initiative, opportunity, and responsibility."

Self Serv Gas; Burkinis; Sex Stuff; Cows; E-Cups; Lucky; Pizza Drone; Netflix Docimentary; KFC Recipe

Nice hot summer day.

Today I picked up a copy of my favorite scandal sheet:  The New York Post.  As I've said before, they hate Hillary and report nasty things about her.  However, they also print what I consider interesting news that other "newspapers" do not think is important.  Since I know that people who I know who read this blog might not read a copy of the Post, I will here list a few items from today's edition.

Gas Pumpers Explained

New Jersey is the only State to not have Self Service gasoline pumping.  I have always wondered why.   The Post quoted Governor Chris Christie who said that he had polled the situation many times and the results showed that 78% of New Jersey women were opposed to self-serve gas, while only 52% of men were against it.

I have always thought that if self-service gas was discontinued in all of the states, it would give a lot of unemployed folks jobs.  Elevator operators also.

France says OK to Burkinis

France's top administrative court has now overturned a ban on burkinis.  These bathing outfits cover the female body, except for the face and hands.  The ruling is welcome to the Moslems in France.  I can't understand what the problem was in the first place.  Liberte?  Why can't anyone wear anything they want to as a bathing suit... or none at all.  We all know that topless and nude bathing takes place on the Riviera.  Shakespeare wrote about it:  Much ado about Nothing.


Horny Burglar

A crook broke into a New York novelty store and stole the top half of a busty sex doll.  He also stole handfuls of lubrication oil and some sex toys.

Protect those Cows

In India, there was concern recently about how to stop cows from causing automobile accidents, so they came up with a great idea:  they put bright stickers on the cows' horns.  I would have expected it would be better to put stick-on lights on the cows' bodies.  I think that would make them more visible.

There are probably udder ways to solve this problem.

Boobs for Boobs

The PrimaDonna bra making concern in Belgium had special weight-bearing harnesses made to simulate what it would be like to have big boobs.  They required their male employees to wear these imitation boobs for an entire day.  Designed to make men more appreciative for the problems of the women they serve, the company called the day "The International E-Cup Day for Men."

His Nickname is "Lucky"

A Florida man has survived three normally life-threatening situations in the past four years. First he got struck by lightning, next a venomous spider bit him, and the other day, a five-foot rattlesnake dug its fangs into  his leg.

Here's Pie in your Eye!

Domino's Pizza has started a drone-delivery service in Auckland, New Zealand.  Amazon and Google have made plans to make deliveries by drone.  Quote from Reuters:  "In the US, drones will be allowed to make deliveries from Aug. 29, butt not across state lines or over people."

More on "Making a Murderer"

Steven Avery's lawyer  is seeking permission to do extensive DNA testing to prove that Mr. Avery did not kill Teresa Halbach.  He is serving life for the crime.  He insists that the authorities framed him.  His case was featured in the Netflix documentary series: Making a Murderer.

The young man who confessed to being a witness to the murder and later recanted, was recently released from prison because his confession was judged to have been forced on him by the police.

KFC Recipe Still a Secret?

The Chicago Tribune recently published a recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken, provided to them by a nephew of Colonel Sanders.  The KFC company says that the recipe containing 11 herbs and spices that was shown to the newspaper is not "the real thing."

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