Last Voting Advice; Normal and Abnormal Cognition; Marriage Joke

Another beautiful Fall day.

Here is my last advice about the Presidential election:

No matter how your spouse wants you to vote; no matter how your parents and other relatives want you to vote;  no matter how your friends want you to vote; no matter how your church wants you to vote;......when you are in the voting booth, nobody will ever find out how you voted.  Be brave!

Cognition Concerned?

Somebody sent me something called "Men's Health Advisor".. I'm not sure who... maybe it was the Cleveland Clinic, maybe not, but some of what they say about cognition is interesting to me:

As we grow older some memory problems are to be expected and are normal, such as:


Trouble remembering a phone number.

Forgetting where you left your car keys.

Taking longer to perform basic math.

Forgetting why you entered a room.

Momentarily forgetting the next step in a process.

Forgetting the name of a public figure or person you haven't seen in a while.

Taking longer to come up with the right word.

However, there are some problems that may be abnormal, such as:


Having difficulty managing finances.

Having trouble performing tasks that involve a sequence.

Failing to recognize familiar people.

Getting lost in familiar places; being unable to follow directions.

Having problems following  medication prescriptions.

Having trouble remembering how to do things you've done many times before.

Asking the same questions repeatedly.

Having difficulty following conversations.

Easily losing your train of thought.

Experiencing increasingly poor judgment.

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Let me finish with another joke from my friend Allan Kaufman:

Man and Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.  "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong??"  The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling your, I'm certain she's poisoning me.  What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her.  I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says,  "Well, I spoke to  your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice.?"

The man said, "Yes," and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

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Logic; Engagement; Money; Religion; Harry Truman; Captain Peacock's Limerick; Accents; Living Alone

Nice sunny Fall day.  In the 60's again.  Cool 40's at night.

Last nite, my son, Chris and his beautiful wife, Kathleen, treated us to the Texas Road House.  Medium rare steak with delicious green beans and Caesar Salad.  Yummy.  I could only eat half of my steak and brought it home to have for my lunch. 

Once again, the time change has screwed up my system.. so much, that I had to take a half hour nap in the afternoon.  That's what us old folks do.

Tomorrow it's off to see the dentist again and have another two fillings fixed.  She wants to do a root canal on one other tooth... but I don't know if I want that.  We'll see.

Elaine was brave the other day when she went to the dentist.  She refused to have a novacaine injection.  I  didn't hear her yell out in pain even once.

Let's try some more jokes and quotes to get our minds off this disgusting Presidential campaign.

Logic

A recent immigrant to the U.S. was trying to get himself oriented. 

"How far is it to New  York to Philadelphia?"  he asked a friend.

"Around a hundred miles."

"And from Philadelphia to New  York?"

"The same, of course."

"What do  you mean, 'of course?'" said the newcomer.

" Backwards and forwards aren't always the same!"

"That's ridiculous!"

"No it isn't," said the immigrant.  "It's a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but from Christmas to Thanksgiving, isn't it eleven months?"

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Engagement

"What would you say if I proposed?" asked the object of his affection.

"Nothing," she admitted.  "I can't talk and laugh at the same time."

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Money

Anonymous: "Someone stole my credit cards but I won't report it.  The thief spends less than my wife did."

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Religion

A new minister in town stopped a small boy on the street and asked him the way to the post office.

"It's three blocks that way,"  the boy answered, pointing.

"Thank you !" the minister said.  "What's your name?  I'll mention your helpfulness in church on Sunday."

"I don't go to church," the boy said.

"You should come," said the minister.  "I can show you the way to heaven!"

"How can you show me the way to heaven,"  the boy asked, "if you don't even know the way to the post office?"

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Presidential Analysis

Harry S. Truman: "I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense to do without my persuading them.  That's all the powers of the President amounts to."


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More Religion

Clarence Darrow:  "Depressions ma y bring people closer to the church  but so do funerals."

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Reprise of an Old and Great Limerick

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale,
Was tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

This was supposedly written by Captain Peacock (Are You Being Served?)

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Accents

"Hi! Where are you living now?"

"Hawaii."

"You do know that it is really pronounce 'HAVAII?"

"Thank you."

"You're Velcome!"

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Joan Hull is a free lance writer from South Dakota.  She is a widow and lives alone. Because she lives alone, she says she can:

Take naps.
Eat garbage food late at night.
Stay up late and watch terrible TV shows.
Leave the bathroom door open.
Have the whole closet.
Sleep in the whole bed.
Be sloppy.
Sleep late.
Eat all the caramels in the candy box.
Shop anytime.
Wear granny nightgowns.
Wear holey underwear.
Control the remote.
Turn the heat up as high as wanted.
Turn the A/C down as low as wanted.
Save dirty dishes in the sink for two days.
Read the whole paper first.
Use all the dresser drawers.

She doesn't have to:

Wait to use the bathroom.
Watch sport shows or cartoons.
Explain anything she buys
Iron shirts (or anything)
Clean fish
Balance the checkbook
Listen to snoring
Make the bed
Be home at a certain time.
Get up at a certain time

And:

Nobody sees her open the refrigerator door
Nobody uses her toothbrush
Nobody hogs her bed covers

She doesn't need breath mints.
The car is always ready for her when she wants to go out
All the mail is for her
All the telephone calls are for her.

But.... you guessed it.. she wishes that her husband was still around.

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Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me; Emails; Pudgy Dad Syndrome; Wynona Judd; Zika Problem; Viagra; Crock Pots; Rigged Election; Spinach and Popeye; William Tell

Sunny Saturday.  Close to election day.  I put out a lure on Facebook to see how many Trump supporters I could snag.  Got two.

Today was Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Day on NPR.  And here is what I learned.

Headline in Some Newspaper

EMAILS TIED TO WEINER

Comment on Polls

Somebody said: "Donald looks at only the polls (poles) that have women dancing on them."

Comment about a Loser

Somebody said:  "He's like a man with a fork in a universe of soup."

Pudgy Dad Syndrome?

Some study has found that flabby men live longer than those "6-pack abs" guys  Evolution favors middle aged men who don't exercise.  Why?  Because the physically fit guys have too much testosterone.  (Huh"?)

Wynona sez:

"The higher the hair, the closer to heaven."

Why Men don't like Zika

Scientists have supposedly found that the Zika virus can shrink testicles by 90% or more.  Maybe this will make Congressmen take action to properly fund eradication procedures.

Why Men like Viagra

It was said that someone has developed a mouth spray version.  It is supposed to work instantaneously.  But, there is some concern.. something about the tongue.. 

Cyber Crime

It has finally come to the attention of our security people that the new crock pots can be hacked.  Apparently some are connected to the Internet, so you can turn them on and off remotely using one of your other electronic devices.  Hackers could sneak onto your crock pot and from there to your other device. 

Rigged Election?

Yes, there finally has been an arrest for voter fraud.  A woman was found to have early voted twice for Donald Trump.

Security Breakthrough

A breed of spinach has been developed that wilts when exposed to explosives.  What about when Popeye bops Bluto?

A Half Night at the Opera

The Mets performance of Guiliume (William) Tell was cut short the other night when a guy threw what looked like a white powder into the orchestra pit during intermission.  After the audience left, the police forensic squad discovered that the powdery substance was just the cremains of the thrower's best friend, who apparently was an opera fan.

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Now.. how about all that.  I love it,.

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AARP Meeting; Thanksgiving Dinner; Cyber Crime; Jokes; CLV Express to Boston; "Mash the Windows!"; The Teddy Bears Picnic

Busy day!  Cool 60-ish and bright sun.  Just like New England.. and that was appropriate, as I'll mention later.

Elaine decided to join me at the AARP meeting today because her birthday is in November, and the whole group would sing Happy Birthday to her... and they did.  A couple at the meeting will celebrate their 67th anniversary this month.  Think of that!  And they still hold hands!

My buddy in Crime Prevention, Bruce Lohr, talked to us about cyber crime.  You can be a victim even if you don't own a computer.  You can have your identity stolen (happened to one member twice.)  You could have  your credit card compromised, etc.  Bruce is an expert and a great guy.

The ladies auxiliary for the American Legion made us a great Thanksgiving dinner, with turkey, mashed potato, green beans, stuffing, gravy, side salad, and pumpkin pie, just like Grandma used to make every Thanksgiving Day.  The only thing missing was the cranberry sauce.

I'm sure that Baltimore natives would have liked to have sauerkraut with the turkey.  It's their custom. Not mine. But it's not bad.  I'll take it.

What I don't know is how my beloved grandmother made a big Thanksgiving Day dinner every year for those of her fifteen (count'em) children who could make it... and for me too.. and for spouses and friends.  And she did it on an old cast iron stove.  Her pies were the best feature.  Pumpkin, squash, apple, lemon meringue, cherry, and rhubarb.  How did she do all that cooking?  She was surely "Wonder woman."

At the meeting, I was emcee this month and I told two very old jokes:

At the Viewing

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would  you like them to say?"

Artie said: I would kike them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented:  "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"

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Please, Lord

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a  million years mean to  you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  the Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "May I have a penny"?"  the Lord replies, "In a minute."

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Both of these jokes came from my Toastmasters buddy, Allan Kaufman

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This evening, Elaine and I went to the "CLV Express to Boston, Massachusetts."  I've already mentioned what the food would be, so let me tell  you how it tasted:

Sam Adams Beer (very good.. but loses it's taste after the first one... this is because I am really "into" IPA (India Pale Ale)

Meatball with Marinara Sauce  (very good.. I hope it didn't include garlic.. for Elaine's sake.)

New England Calamari: (I never had it before, but I found it very good deep fried.. just a little chewy.)

New England Clam Chowder: (OK, but it should have been called: Clam Shadow Soup.  But, of course, I was weaned on New Bedford Quahog Chowder... so, nothing can equal that!)

Lobster Roll:  (Exactly right this time!  Not chewy like the last time CLV made it up.)

Baked Beans: (OK, but it was the Chef's Rhode Island Baked Beans, not Boston Baked Beans)

Corn: (Soggy and kind of tasteless, but OK)

Indian Pudding with Vanilla Ice Cream: (Very nice.. I think that I have had this before.  I understand you can buy it in a can.  I'll look for it.

All in all... Elaine and I enjoyed the food, and the good company of two CLV ladies whose names escape me at the moment.

Entertainment

"Mash the Windows!"  Is the name of the fiddle and piano duet that played Scotch-Irish jigs and polkas.  We also had a couple of "sing-alongs"... very nice.  It was designed to recognize the Irish influence in Boston.

One of the songs they played was my favorite:  The Teddy Bears' Picnic.. some of the lyrics follow:

"If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today, you'd better go in disguise
For every bear who ever was there, will gather there for certain
Because today is the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic."

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Jokes (mostly); Paradise Lost; Car Mileage; Overweight; Computer Stuff; Traffic School

Overcast, rainy, but warm.

Today, I feel like telling some jokes.  I'm sure you've heard most of them, but, what the heck, I'll tell them anyway.

Paradise Lost

A guy goes into a bar and orders a whiskey.  He drinks it in one gulp and begins to moan.  "What's the problem, pal?"  asks the bartender. 

"Well, up until today, I had everything that a guy could want.  Money, a beautiful home, the love of a wonderful woman.  Then, Boom!"

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"My wife found out about it!"

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Car Mileage

"Hey, man, I'm trying to sell my car, but nobody wants to buy a car that has 200,000 miles on the speedometer."

Friend:  "That's no problem.  Just set the speedometer back to a lower setting."

A week later, the friend asks: "Did you sell that car yet?"

"Hell, no.  Why would I want to sell a car with only 5,000 miles on it?"

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Only in America...

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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A woman goes to the doctor with a weight problem.  The doctor tells her that she can lose a lot of weight by wrapping her nude body in Saran Wrap.   The woman thinks it's odd, but agrees to try it.  That night her husband comes home to find her lying on the couch, wrapped in Saran Wrap.  He takes one look at her and says, Oh, no, leftovers again."

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Big Shot?

That guy is so important he has an unlisted Social Security Number.

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Computer Stuff

Tech Support:  "OK.  At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the "OK" button displayed?

Customer: "Wow!  How can you see my screen from there?"

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Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.  If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I get my file back again?"

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Flying

I tried an airline's voice activated computer program, but I couldn't figure out how to exit.  I tried "finish" (No response)  "end" (No response) "Quit:"  got this response:

Computer: "What is your departure city?"
Me: (In frustration.) "Nowhere."
Computer: "Do you mean Newark?"
Me: "No"
Computer: "Do you mean New York?"
Me: "No, dammit!
Computer: "I'm sorry.  I do not understand you."
Me:  "Good-bye!"
Computer:  "I'm sorry, we do not fly to Dubai."

("Me" was J. Terrence Wolfe)
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Famous Words

Harry Truman: "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician.  And, to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference."

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Von Oech:  "The only person who welcomes change is a wet baby."

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I dreamt I was a muffler, and now I am exhausted.

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If pregnancy is a problem, not to worry.  The future will take care of that. It's not that bad.  Many of today's babies are conceived out of wedlock.  With frozen sperm, they will be conceived out of Ziploc.

Traffic School Answers

The California Department of Transportation's Driving School gives written tests to persons who need to refresh their knowledge about driving.  Here are a few of the students' answers to questions:

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A.  What for?  He can't see my license plate.

Q.  When driving through fog, what should you use?
A.  Your car.

Q.  What problems would  you face if  you were arrested for drunk driving?
A.  I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q.  If you want to avoid drunk driving, what options are available to you?
A.  Marijuana; Funny Mushrooms; LSD.

Q.  Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A.  The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people.  I do."

Q.  What are some points to remember when passing and being passed?
A.  Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

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Yeah, I know... not too good.  I'll try to do better in the future.

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OK; President Van Buren; Integra; Howdy Doody; President Tyler; Animal Intelligence

Wait a minute!  Suddenly it's Summer again.  I sat on the porch this morning in 80 plus degree sunlight.  Global warming again?

OK, OK!

Margaret Zackowitz writes in the National Geographic about "OK."   Supposedly, 177 years ago, a Boston newspaper indicated that a statement was all correct by using the first two letters in "oll korrect."  It caught on, and even Martin Van Buren used it in his electioneering.. His nickname was "Old Kinderhook."

I've seen OK used in all kinds of languages.  Aren't you proud that it was first coined in the good old U.S. of A?

Integra has arrived

My November/December copy of Integra, the Journal of Intertel, arrived yesterday.  I always learn something from this bulletin, for instance:

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles on his face.  One for each State when he was "on top."

The Grandson of John Tyler is still alive and living in the Virginia family home.  That's quite a stretch, considering the ex President was born in 1790.  I had heard this some time ago.  Apparently, that virile tenth President sired a son when he was 80 years old (1880) and that son sired the present guy when he was 60 years old (1940).  I could have the dates wrong a bit, but that is basically the situation.

Ed Glomski has a lot to say about animal intelligence. He claims that  there is an intelligence hierarchy for animal groups, with the top seven groups being: (and I quote)

1.Great Apes ..

They can use tools
They show empathy
They show altruism
They show self-awareness
They hunt in organized groups
They have superior memories
They can communicate through sign language

(Chimpanzee genomes are about 98% identical to those of a human.)

2. New World Monkeys

They can use tools
They show self-awareness
They have complex social structures

3.  Whales and Dolphins

They use language
They show self-awareness
They have a social structure to their lives
They hunt in organized groups
They may even have their own unique names.
They love to play.

4.  Dogs

They are adaptable
They can solve problems
They are obedient
They understand orders
They follow orders
They can respond to non-verbal clues
Supposedly, the three smartest breeds are: Border Collie, Poodle and German Shepherd.

5.  Cephalopods (Octopus, Squid, Cuttlefish)

They can solve problems
They play games
Some giant octopi can open childproof medicine bottles

6.  Birds (Corvids and Parrots)

A crow can count to three
A parrot can count to six or more

7.  Horses
 
They learn new tasks quickly
They can work things out for themselves

What do you think?  Are animals smarter than humans.... well maybe smarter than certain political thinkers that I don't want to label.

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Mr. Comey; FBI; Teeth; Emotions; Pleasure; Herr Nietzche; Superman; Goethe; Faust

Overcast and 55 degrees.  The trees around here are turning colors... not like New England, but nice all the same.  I can look off our deck and see green, red, and  yellow trees. Very pleasant.

Prediction

Mr. Comey will not be the head of the FBI for long.

Painful? No way.

I had two teeth filled at the dentist's office today.  I get two more done next week.  She gave me novacaine.. quite a bit.  She said it would wear off in two hours.. in fact, it took four to five hours. She asked if she was hurting me.  I told her how I have eyeball injections every few weeks.  Now, that hurts.. but only for a little while.   Also, for months at a time, within a six year period, I experienced 9 to 10 level pain constantly from my inherited leg vein problems.  So, a half hour of drilling on some old teeth is not going to bother me... Besides, I'm so happy to have a few of my own teeth left that I would endure any pain to keep them.

She did want to pull my last giant molar.  I talked her out of it.  It isn't bothering me and I need it to chew fillet mignon (when I can afford it.)

The Pleasure Emotion

I'm listening to one of the Great Courses as I drive.  It is all about emotions. The Professor says that any emotion that we have expresses itself based on our intelligence.  No reptilian uncontrollable feelings... so he says.  What about fear?  He thinks that this is not an unconscious feeling, but relates to something going on in our brains.  I'm not sure that I agree with him yet.

Today, I heard him talk about pleasure.  He doesn't think it is an emotion.  He thinks that it is just a feeling we get when we do something well.  For me, when I complete a cryptic-type crossword puzzle, I get a great feeling that I call  pleasure.  It took me years to learn to do these type puzzles and I feel good about completing them.  Can't that be considered the emotion of pleasure?  I also get great "pleasure" out of viewing how well my three children have done in life.

The Professor also says that too much pleasure can lead to displeasure. I suppose so.

I'm not a great fan of this professor.  He obviously is a very learned individual.  He has all kinds of awards and titles.  He likes to name drop:  Kant; Mills; Bentham; Nietzsche; Plato; Aristotle; and countless other Philosophers.  I guess my tired old brain doesn't want to revisit these guys any more, especially not Herr Nietzsche..  When I was studying German, I had the misfortune to be in some graduate level classes with a guy who thought that by quoting Nietzsche all the time with his German professors, he would get great grades.  Maybe so.. but he was a terrible bore.  Once I quoted Goethe to him:  "Grau, teurer Freund, is alle Theorie, und gruen des Lebens goldner Baum."   This is from Faust and translates to :  "All theory, my friend, is grey, but the golden tree of actual life springs ever green."

Or, as I have tried to apply to my own self:  "Don't sit down to write, until you have stood up to live."

By the way:  Herr Nietzsche wrote:  "Ich lehre euch den Uebermenschen.  Der Mensch is Etwas, das ueberwonden warden soll."  Or, in English: "I teach you the superman. Man is something to be surpassed."   I guess so, but, please, let's get replaced with creatures different than Mr. Trump.

Enough of this philosophy crap!

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