Today, I feel like telling some jokes. I'm sure you've heard most of them, but, what the heck, I'll tell them anyway.
Paradise Lost
A guy goes into a bar and orders a whiskey. He drinks it in one gulp and begins to moan. "What's the problem, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Well, up until today, I had everything that a guy could want. Money, a beautiful home, the love of a wonderful woman. Then, Boom!"
"What happened?" asked the bartender.
"My wife found out about it!"
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Car Mileage
"Hey, man, I'm trying to sell my car, but nobody wants to buy a car that has 200,000 miles on the speedometer."
Friend: "That's no problem. Just set the speedometer back to a lower setting."
A week later, the friend asks: "Did you sell that car yet?"
"Hell, no. Why would I want to sell a car with only 5,000 miles on it?"
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Only in America...
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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A woman goes to the doctor with a weight problem. The doctor tells her that she can lose a lot of weight by wrapping her nude body in Saran Wrap. The woman thinks it's odd, but agrees to try it. That night her husband comes home to find her lying on the couch, wrapped in Saran Wrap. He takes one look at her and says, Oh, no, leftovers again."
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Big Shot?
That guy is so important he has an unlisted Social Security Number.
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Computer Stuff
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the "OK" button displayed?
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I get my file back again?"
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Flying
I tried an airline's voice activated computer program, but I couldn't figure out how to exit. I tried "finish" (No response) "end" (No response) "Quit:" got this response:
Computer: "What is your departure city?"
Me: (In frustration.) "Nowhere."
Computer: "Do you mean Newark?"
Me: "No"
Computer: "Do you mean New York?"
Me: "No, dammit!
Computer: "I'm sorry. I do not understand you."
Me: "Good-bye!"
Computer: "I'm sorry, we do not fly to Dubai."
("Me" was J. Terrence Wolfe)
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Famous Words
Harry Truman: "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And, to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference."
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Von Oech: "The only person who welcomes change is a wet baby."
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I dreamt I was a muffler, and now I am exhausted.
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If pregnancy is a problem, not to worry. The future will take care of that. It's not that bad. Many of today's babies are conceived out of wedlock. With frozen sperm, they will be conceived out of Ziploc.
Traffic School Answers
The California Department of Transportation's Driving School gives written tests to persons who need to refresh their knowledge about driving. Here are a few of the students' answers to questions:
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. If you want to avoid drunk driving, what options are available to you?
A. Marijuana; Funny Mushrooms; LSD.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A. The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. What are some points to remember when passing and being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
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Yeah, I know... not too good. I'll try to do better in the future.
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