Logic; Engagement; Money; Religion; Harry Truman; Captain Peacock's Limerick; Accents; Living Alone

Nice sunny Fall day.  In the 60's again.  Cool 40's at night.

Last nite, my son, Chris and his beautiful wife, Kathleen, treated us to the Texas Road House.  Medium rare steak with delicious green beans and Caesar Salad.  Yummy.  I could only eat half of my steak and brought it home to have for my lunch. 

Once again, the time change has screwed up my system.. so much, that I had to take a half hour nap in the afternoon.  That's what us old folks do.

Tomorrow it's off to see the dentist again and have another two fillings fixed.  She wants to do a root canal on one other tooth... but I don't know if I want that.  We'll see.

Elaine was brave the other day when she went to the dentist.  She refused to have a novacaine injection.  I  didn't hear her yell out in pain even once.

Let's try some more jokes and quotes to get our minds off this disgusting Presidential campaign.

Logic

A recent immigrant to the U.S. was trying to get himself oriented. 

"How far is it to New  York to Philadelphia?"  he asked a friend.

"Around a hundred miles."

"And from Philadelphia to New  York?"

"The same, of course."

"What do  you mean, 'of course?'" said the newcomer.

" Backwards and forwards aren't always the same!"

"That's ridiculous!"

"No it isn't," said the immigrant.  "It's a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but from Christmas to Thanksgiving, isn't it eleven months?"

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Engagement

"What would you say if I proposed?" asked the object of his affection.

"Nothing," she admitted.  "I can't talk and laugh at the same time."

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Money

Anonymous: "Someone stole my credit cards but I won't report it.  The thief spends less than my wife did."

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Religion

A new minister in town stopped a small boy on the street and asked him the way to the post office.

"It's three blocks that way,"  the boy answered, pointing.

"Thank you !" the minister said.  "What's your name?  I'll mention your helpfulness in church on Sunday."

"I don't go to church," the boy said.

"You should come," said the minister.  "I can show you the way to heaven!"

"How can you show me the way to heaven,"  the boy asked, "if you don't even know the way to the post office?"

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Presidential Analysis

Harry S. Truman: "I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense to do without my persuading them.  That's all the powers of the President amounts to."


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More Religion

Clarence Darrow:  "Depressions ma y bring people closer to the church  but so do funerals."

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Reprise of an Old and Great Limerick

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale,
Was tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

This was supposedly written by Captain Peacock (Are You Being Served?)

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Accents

"Hi! Where are you living now?"

"Hawaii."

"You do know that it is really pronounce 'HAVAII?"

"Thank you."

"You're Velcome!"

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Joan Hull is a free lance writer from South Dakota.  She is a widow and lives alone. Because she lives alone, she says she can:

Take naps.
Eat garbage food late at night.
Stay up late and watch terrible TV shows.
Leave the bathroom door open.
Have the whole closet.
Sleep in the whole bed.
Be sloppy.
Sleep late.
Eat all the caramels in the candy box.
Shop anytime.
Wear granny nightgowns.
Wear holey underwear.
Control the remote.
Turn the heat up as high as wanted.
Turn the A/C down as low as wanted.
Save dirty dishes in the sink for two days.
Read the whole paper first.
Use all the dresser drawers.

She doesn't have to:

Wait to use the bathroom.
Watch sport shows or cartoons.
Explain anything she buys
Iron shirts (or anything)
Clean fish
Balance the checkbook
Listen to snoring
Make the bed
Be home at a certain time.
Get up at a certain time

And:

Nobody sees her open the refrigerator door
Nobody uses her toothbrush
Nobody hogs her bed covers

She doesn't need breath mints.
The car is always ready for her when she wants to go out
All the mail is for her
All the telephone calls are for her.

But.... you guessed it.. she wishes that her husband was still around.

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