FIRST BAPTIST

This is an historic church built in New Bedford, Massachusetts in 1829.  Besides being a church, it was the place where Lt. Henry Martyn Robert formulated his famous book "Robert's Rules of Order, used worldwide to tame chaotic meetings.  I used it extensively when I conducted meetings.

The steeple was a welcome sight for whalers coming home after years at sea.

With a dwindling congregation and a pressing need for repair, the City, The Waterfront Historic League (WHALE), and the local Your Theater Group combined their talents to turn it into the Steeple Playhouse Community Theater.  There is also an exhibit about Lt. Robert.

Over the tears I had lots of interactions with this church.  Here are a few.

01. NO OTHER KINGS

When I was 10 years old, I was invited to a Halloween costume party at the church. I went dressed as a magician.  My uncle Allen had taught me a couple of simple card tricks and I was showing them to a group of party-goers when I felt an enormous hand grab my decks of cards.

The owner of the hand was a giant lady who gave the stentorian announcement: "Playing cards have kings and queens being worshipped and are not allowed in the House of God!"  I never saw my cards again.

02.  RESCUE FROM A LIFE OF CRIME

When I was 12 years old, my fellow partners in crime threw me out of their gang because a short fat kid did not like me and insisted that I leave.

Although I was sad that my friends dumped me, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, because that short fat kid was named Joe Barboza and became a Mafia hitman who got gunned down by a fellow hitman.

My Aunt Mary saw that I no longer had a mischief making habit and needed an outlet. She suggested that I start to attend Sunday School at the First Baptist Church.  She had already conned my cousin Charlie into church life and he was a nice guy, so I let him talk me into a Sunday School routine.

03. STAGE FRIGHT

As I did in regular school, I thought up ways to avoid reading and reciting in Sunday School because of my stage-fright.

I've mentioned before how I learned the names of all the books of the King James Bible to win a prize but was too scared to recite the list.

04. BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS

I've mentioned before that the church had a great library. I liked how published books painted pictures in my mind; thus, comic books no longer had any attraction for me.

 Over time, I read every OZ book that Baum ever wrote.  I also read all of the Hardy Boys books, as well as any other book within sight.

05. BASKETBALL

First Baptist had a team in the Church League, and boy! were we lousy! A couple of us were so flat-footed that we never were able to get our hands on the ball. We gained absolute retention of last place and had a lot of laughs getting there.

06. BAPTISM (IMHO)

Catholic priests baptize children at birth so that the Original Sin thing doesn't ruin their childhoods.  Most Protestant Ministers, and Jewish Rabbis wait until a child's thirteenth birthday to perform Baptism or Bar Mitzbah to commemorate the child's entry into adulthood

Baptist ministers don't fool around.  Near your thirteenth birthday they quickly open up a hole in the altar area floor and fill it with chilly H2O. And then they quickly dunk you without fanfare.

My buddy, Casey and I got baptized on the same Sunday. Casey had an enormous head of hair and when he surfaced, he shook his head like a Saint Bernard pooch and sprayed all of the choir members.  You had to see it!

07. PREACHERS

I think that most Baptist ministers are good dedicated persons. However, I must mention two that I feel did not do right by their profession.

DOCTOR D.  

I've mentioned already how he tried to bribe me with a signed Bible to close my eyes in prayer while he shuffled off to take care of his motel complex in New Hampshire.

DOCTOR ROCKING CHAIR

This preacher would sit in his specially made rocking chair and with his droopy eyes and sliding drool watch hungrily as my Aunt Mary sang in the choir.

Once, he had the idea that he could develop a religious question and answer call-in radio show. He talked my Aunt Mary into calling in questions using different voices.  These were questions that he had written himself.

ROYAL AMBASSADORS

For two years, the kindly members of the church men's club chipped in to send me and Casey to Baptist Summer Camp in Maine.  It was a beautiful place with what I thought was a ridiculous name, Royal Ambassadors.  I refused to wear the camp shirt that had that printed on it.

The camp had many amenities:

A giant salt-water swimming pool.

A photography lab with an enormous enlarger.

Acres of fine smelling pine trees.

Gourmet food (at least we thought that)

Proximity to the arcades and fun rides at Old Orchard Beach.

Casey and I had brought a little money with us and we would sneak off to Old Orchard almost every night.  We especially enjoyed the ten cent slightly naughty movies.

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Go, and preach some more.