HUMOR? PERHAPS.

As a change of pace, I want to say some humorous things that you might like. Forgive me if I repeat some material, I'm an old dude after all.

Some of these are probably from magazines like Readers Digest, the Mensa Bulletin, AARP Bulletin and other publications. Some material is original, if any humorous piece could be called original.

01. THE GIFT From Lydia Gamble:

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid.  The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was for some incidental expense. 

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well, said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad, so I rented him a tuxedo."

02.  FOLLOWUP   

He: "Did Doctor Jones treat you?"

She:  "Hell no, he didn't treat me, he charged me a thousand dollars!

03.  MY DOG JOKE CREATION

When I was taking a walk, I met a guy with a Labrador Retriever.

Me:  That's a nice-looking dog, what's his name?

Him: "Harley."

Me: Why did you name him Harley?"

Him: "Well, we couldn't afford a motorcycle!"

04.  PROGNOSIS

I wouldn't say that the doctor said that I was in bad shape, but he asked me to pay in advance.

05. CATCH-22 from Kathlene Corleone

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru.  There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.

"We're still serving breakfast and you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.

I drove all around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.  "I'm sorry," she said, we are now serving lunch."

06.  FEMUR  ANYONE? From Ben Walsh.

In New York, seven funeral-home directors pleaded guilty to selling body parts to biomedical supply companies. The men's lawyers got them a good deal, but it cost them an arm and a leg. 

07.  WINTER DRIVING

I was driving through falling snow and kept my eyes on the tail-lights of a car ahead of me. 

After several miles of slips and slides the car ahead came to a stop and a man got out and said: "I don't know where you're going but you are in my driveway.

08.  MONEY  USAGE

A guy goes to his doctor and complains that his sexual activity is painful.  The doctor says, " I can  fix that with one of two available procedures and you will have to decide which one.

One procedure takes three hours and costs $600; the other takes one hour and costs $1,000.  Why don't you go home and discuss this with your wife and come back when you've decided."

The patient came back the next day.

Doctor, "Did you discuss it with your wife?"

Patient, "Yes."

Doctor, " Well, what did you decide?"

Patient, " We're going to remodel the kitchen instead."

09.  DEFINITION

Hospital gown = one size fits nobody!

10.  NAUGHTY ENGLISH LESSON... be careful. (From my buddy Phil Itzkowitz.)

On my 57th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the witch doctor and wondered what I was in for.  

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned. "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged.  As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4." he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked.  I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said "1-2-3."  Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.

And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"  

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

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Go and take your medicine.