MORE JOKES AND HUMOROUS STUFF

01.  PUNS by Rick Obermeyer.. minus their background stories.

(Feel free to make up your own.)

Fill two Kurds with one scone.

Bill two Kurds with one phone.

Build two herds with one loan.

Had a chicken catch a Tory.

A snitch online saved mine.

A tipped canoe and Tyler too.

Give them a twinge and they make a smile.

02.  Joshua fit the battle of Geritol. (bottle?)

03.  Enlightened one made of a Dutch cheese:  Gouda Buddha.

04.  A sargent and a private were sleeping in the field in a tent.  At 3am, the private said: "Wake up, sarge .. look up and tell me what you see."

Sarge says: "I see millions of stars and galaxies and it  shows me how insignificant we are in the universe.  It also tells me that tomorrow will be a beautiful day.  Private, what does it tell you?"

Private says: "Well, Sarge, it tells me that somebody has stolen our tent!"

05.  A young boy is gorging himself on Cheerios, and eats nothing but Cheerios.  His mother asks him why he likes the cereal. He tells his mother: "Because they are Goddam good, and they make me feel good as hell!"

 Shocked at his language, his mother thinks its because of the Cheerios and tells him that if he eats any more of it, and starts to curse again, she will wash his mouth out with lye soap.

Two weeks later, without his Cheerios fix, his mother asks him how he's doing .  He replies, "Well, I'm doing O.K., and you can bet your ass I won't be eating Cheerios for a long Goddamn time!"

 06.  I forgot another reminder phrase about the calendar:

"30 days hath September and some months I can't remember."

07.  Leo Rosenberg wrote about aging:  "First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." 

08.  Dorothy Parker has this final part of her 1925 poem "Epitaph for a Darling Lady" carved into her tombstone:

"Leave for her a red young rose,

Go your way and save your pity;

She is happy, for she knows

That her dust is very pretty."

.......................................................

genug!