Solch ein Tag! Oy weh! Such a day! (This definitely was not "Bloom's Day" in Dublin. It was "Vaughan's Day" in Timonium.) I traveled for an hour and one half (one way) to have myself subjected to many indignities. First, I had to strip down to my stockings (each of which had a hole!) and underwear (very clean, as my mother had taught me.) Next, I had to don a ridiculous gigantic blue "gown." (Not "Alice Blue Gown.")
Then two pretty young things helped me lay on a long moveable table, after which they placed a very heavy cage on my fat belly. Since this made me gasp for air, they hurriedly placed a much larger one on my tummy... that one just pressed just a little bit.
They then pushed me into the maw of a gigantic creature labeled "Oasis." What a misnomer! Once they found out that I was not going to be too claustrophobic, they pulled me back out like a fully baked pizza. Now it was time to stab me and insert an IV containing salt water. (Yes, I know, many ages ago we all were creatures who lived in salt water, so I did not complain.)
In my right hand, I was tasked with holding an escape buzzer, which could be squeezed if I panicked. After this, ear plugs were inserted, because, I was told, the noise in the Oasis would render me deafer than I already am if I did not "wear protection." (Sounded to me like they were talking about condoms.)
Now I was ready for my "MRI"... yes, this was an "open MRI" designed for those of us who do not want to run screaming because of a claustrophobic anxiety attack. I was pushed back into the "oven" and was subjected to about 30 minutes (felt like hours) of gargantuan noise, as this machine took magnetic pictures of my abdomen area. During this ordeal, a muffled voice kept asking me to hold my breath for the count of 70. I could not get past 20, but the pretty young ladies humored this old grandfather by saying that I had done "just great."
My Urologist had ordered this test to make sure that what he saw in some CATSCAN pictures was just a shadow and not a mass of some kind on my kidneys. To make doubly sure, I have to go back next Monday and get subjected to another 30 minute torture session. (I would not wish this procedure on my worse enemy.... well, maybe for just a couple.)
After this ordeal, I needed a food fix. I had not been allowed to eat anything for four hours before the procedure and I was very hungry. I saw a MacDonald's nearby and hurried into their lot, or so I thought. The unlabeled entry is right next to another unlabeled entry into the Verizon Building. As I started to get out of the car, a truck driver gave me a dirty look. Apparently I not only in the wrong parking lot, I was in an area that is off-limits to civilians. Chastened, I ventured out into the traffic again and after several life-threatening turns finally reached Mickey Dees.
Starving, I ordered a Big Mac with extra onions (450 calories), and a cup of decaf. The counter person apparently is tasked with preserving the condiments, including sweetner and coffee creamer. I had to almost beg to get some.. and she wouldn't give me sweetner; I had to settle for two packets of real sugar (and she poured it into my decaf) and a smidgen of creamer from a magic urn.
Dodging the guy who was waving a mop filled with soapy water, I found the only table open, and sat quickly to enjoy my junk food. As I looked around, I noticed that every person in that establishment was doing something with their cell phone, even if they were at the same time conversing with a table mate. I wondered what the conversation must be like when both parties are multi-tasking on electronic devices. Could they both be talking to the same person?
By the way, while I was in line, waiting to give my order, the man in front of me had a face on his cell phone that he was talking to. (Skype?) The face filled the screen and was mouthing something about "fries and a drink." (Where is H.L. Mencken when you need him?)
Enough about my petty adventures. Let's move on to interesting stuff.
Fighting for Justice
Forty five years ago, Joe Levin and Morris Dees founded the Southern Poverty Law Center. Joe served as the Center's general counsel in it's fight against discrimination and bigotry. He retired on January first, and his parting words should be considered by all those, who by good fortune, have never suffered discrimination. "Justice is the condition that requires those who suffer least, to speak out the most."
Another German Joke about Swimming
Die Muellers gehen am Strand entlang. Ploetzlich sagt Frau Mueller: "Sieh nur, da vorne, das is der Rettungsschwimmer, der mir heute Vormittag das Leben gerettet hat!"
"Ich Weiss" sagt Herr Mueller, "er hat sich schon bei mir entschuldigt.!"
Creative Crime Prevention
The Week magazine reports that the Washington DC City Council has approved a plan to pay convicted felons not to commit crimes. About 200 persons deemed to be at risk of committing another crime, would have their behavior monitored, and if they kept out of jail, they would get paid up to $9,000 a year. The is a lot less than it would cost to keep them in jail for one year.
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