Grocery shopping day. $140. Why are our bills getting so high?
Verdi Opera: Masked Ball.. was on the radio today. Nice music.
Religious Survival
The Week reported a special situation a few months ago. An Ohio bus driver was shot twice in the chest by "hoodlums" and survived because a Bible in his shirt pocket stopped the bullet. This is a situation that has been written about for years.. and of course, there is the following followup version:
I was walking along 5th Avenue in New York City, when an item struck me on the chest. It was a thick book, dropped from a 43rd story window. That book was a Bible, and if it hadn't been for the bullet that I always carried in my shirt pocket, it would definitely have killed me.
Gold Rush
Chuck Shepherd writes in the Funny Times about the "Gold to Go" vending machine that the German manufacturer Ex Oriente Lux AG set up in the lobby of Abu Dhabi's Emirates Palace Hotel. The machine offers gold coins and bars of gold, based on the current prices. It must be tough to be so rich. Will Trump Palace eventually have such a machine?
What's up, Doc?
Did you know that the guy who was the voice of Bugs Bunny hated to eat carrots!
House Husbands Beware!
There is a new best-seller.. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Japanese organizing expert, Marie Kondo. Her tip:
Save only those items that "spark joy," and give away the rest.
Example: Shoes
Collect every pair of shoes you own.
Inspect each pair.
Keep only the shoes that bring you joy.
Organize the remaining pairs in your closet so that you can easily see and reach each one.
Some humor from the late Sid Simon.. Social Security Alumni Association
A man went ice fishing and brought home a hundred pounds of ice. His wife died trying to cook it.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas.
I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say to him.
One: "I just got a brand new set of golf clubs for my wife."
Two: "Excellent trade!"
In the immortal words of Lisle Traunts: "Give me my golf clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air."
Doggie Dinner
Chuck Shepherd also writes about Benno, a Belgian Malinois from Mountain Home, Arkansas. Over his four years of life, Benno has consumed:
23 live rounds of .308 caliber bullets.
A bra.
A lawn mower air filter.
A TV remote.
Styrofoam peanuts.
Drywall.
Magnets
An entire loaf of bread, still in the wrapper.
Groucho Marx: "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
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