Jimmy Carter; Jokes; Sensitivity; Weight; Doctor;

Too hot today to go outside.  I watered the vegetable plants on the deck and was covered with sweat.  My body was telling me that it needed to get out of this heat.  I looked at the temperatures list in the New York Times today.. I was amazed to see that the temperature in Boston yesterday was 90, just a little less hot than here.  But then.. New York City was also 90.  I don't blame those dumpster water fillers for doing so.. anybody in NYC at 90 to 100 degrees probably was melting.  Imagine living in one of the tenements without air conditioning.

Old Quick quotes, etc:

President Jimmy Carter:  "My esteem in this country has gone up substantially.  It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers."  (reported in Readers Digest)

Toastmasters:  The first one to take a breath is the listener.

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(During one of my stand-up comedy routines, I was called to task for not being sensitive to women.  The ladies who were yelling at me would not believe that the jokes had been researched and given to my for the performance by my dear wife.  Come on now... do we have to be sensitive to everybody and everything?  Within reason.. we should not be cruel, but we still should have some fun.)

Anonymous:  The wife of the Hunchback of Notre Dame irons her husband's shirts in a wok.

(Is that an unthinking statement today, because of our attitudes about the disabled?)

Tip for when you are being audited by the IRS:  Tell the auditor that the only time you can meet with him is at 4 PM.

(Is that an unthinking statement  today, because of our attitudes about Government workers?)

Jokester:  "When I tried a recipe for Thanksgiving, I tried stuffing the turkey.  Nobody told me the bird was supposed to be dead.  I'll never forget the look of reproach on that bird's face."

(Is that an unthinking statement today, because of our attitudes about stupid people?)

Fatso:  "I put on so much weight that I had to let out my shower curtain."

(Is that an unthinking statement today, because of our attitudes about the obese?)

Gillian Moore:  "What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?"

                         "ELIFINO ...  el if I no..."

Groan... groan....

Diagnosis

Doctor:  "You have just two weeks to live."
Patient:  "O.K., I'll take one in December and one in July."

Family Matter

Little Girl: "Grandfather, make like a frog.,"
Grandfather: " What do you mean, make like a frog."
Little Girl:  "Daddy says we're going to get a lot of money when you croak."

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