I sent for two tomato "clusters" that I have to plant soon. And... I have lots of old flower seeds I want to get out. And I have to continue cleaning the deck railings. And I have to get the old containers of dirt off the deck. And I have to get rid of the old table and umbrella. And I have to buy a new set. And I have to scrub the deck to get rid of mold. And... and... and... so much to do... luckily, I have a lot of time now that I have dropped ten of my volunteer activities. Yeah, Joe.. yeah.
Darwin Awards
Phil Proctor, in The Funny Times in August, listed the Darwin Awards for 2015. In case you have forgotten, these awards are given to dumb "losers"... Lloyd Hess, who worked with me at Social Security kept me informed of these... and he had his own list. (In his list, everyone died in their endeavors.) Anyway... here are the 2015 "loser/winners" if you haven't heard:
6th: David H. removed a pad from a tower. The pad was placed on the tower to protect skiers from hitting the towers. Ole Dave used the pad to ski down the hill... guess what, he hit the tower which no longer had a pad... and you guessed it, Dave bit the snowy dust.
5th: Robert P. stuck a hot dog into his mouth and left the market without paying. While thinking how clever he was at bilking the owner, he fell over and was choked to death by the six-inch wiener lodged in his throat.
4th: Spanish poacher Marino M. got off a great shot at the stag that was poised above him on an overhang. As he was congratulating himself, the dead stag fell off the ledge and squashed him.
3rd: Jerry S. thought of a new prank to play to keep up his reputation as the "life of the party." He bit down on a blasting cap, triggering an explosion that made him the "deceased of the party."
2nd: Tony R was eager to be initiated into the Mountain Men Anonymous rafting club. A friend was tasked with shooting a beer can off his head with an arrow. However, the arrow went, instead, through Tony's right eye and part of his brain. Tony, although embarrassed, survived to tell the tale.
1st: This is too complicated for me to summarize, instead, let me (mis) quote Phil Proctor: "John P. and his friend Sal H., decided to attend a local Metallica concert. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them, they thought it would be easy to 'hop' over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. Unfortunately, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side.
Having heaved himself over, John found himself crashing through a tree in a fall abruptly broken (along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts, and figuring the bushes below would break his fall, he used his pocket knife to cut away his shorts.
Finally free, John crashed into the holly bushes, which scratched his whole body, and without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum while his pocketknife penetrated his leg.
Sal then threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck, but in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, which landed on John and killed. him."
Now... go and sin no more, folks. Please look for Phil Proctor's 2016 summary of the Darwin Awards in the August 2016 Funny Times.
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